#amg8

I groaned and turned on my side, still slightly disappointed that Harry had left the previous evening. Though it was definitely for the best, it didn’t retract from the fact I wanted as much of him as I could get before he left once again. I rolled my eyes at the memory before checking my phone, annoyed with myself for getting emotional, for doubting myself thanks to other people. I couldn’t let that happen again; I didn’t want to lose myself. Harry was right, I was more than strong enough, more than capable of standing on my own two feet. Don’t let them get to you. My phone buzzing again finally brought me back round, glancing down to the screen and furrowing my brows, the light of my phone stinging my eyes a little. I had two texts from Alex. Turner: You’re a fucking legend! The second was a link to a website. I had no idea what to expect as I clicked the link and waited for my phone to load the page, feeling more and more anxious with each passing second. As soon as the window was open, I was surprised I hadn’t figured it out earlier. The headline of a Daily Mail article read. Anna Black finally speaks publicly, only to offend a room full avid AM fans. I swore at my phone, knowing that those ‘avid AM fans’ they’d mentioned were actually mainly just folk from the media, people there to say they were there rather than having any real reason to be. They weren’t fans at all, in fact, I imagined about 90% of the people in that room had never even bothered to listen to the album. “What a load of shit.” I mumbled to myself. I scrolled down the article, shaking my head as I read about how rude I was, about fans asking to take pictures with me and me turning them down, which was all bullshit. There was a part of me was angered by what I was reading. Angered about the lies, angered at the fact that really, I had brought it on myself, for walking around with a face like a slapped arse all evening and telling the crowd to go fuck themselves. But another part of me couldn’t help but grin, thinking about how the PR man’s blood must have been boiling. That made me smile. As I reached the end of the article, I was disappointed to see that they had said that it wasn’t too surprising, that it was part of my image. I wasn’t helping myself out at all. I was practically living up to this fake persona they had developed for me. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to let people in or not. I certainly didn’t want anyone to think I was this awful and arrogant person I was being portrayed as, but revealing myself more freely and honestly felt like subconsciously opening a door; letting people see me and nosy in on my life. Maybe it was a good thing, having such a bad reputation. Maybe keeping that door closed was actually what I wanted. I was so back and forth. A knock on my door pulled me from my battling mind. “Come in!” Rachel popped her head round the corner, clearly feeling uneasy as to whether to come in or not. I threw my head back a little, signalling for her to come inside. She gave a weak smile, walking over and sitting on the edge of my bed. “I’m sorry.” She spoke towards the floor. “So am I.” I told her. “Why are you sorry?” She looked at me confused. “Just ‘cause you acted like a royal twat, doesn’t give me the right to do the same.” She laughed appreciatively, her body relaxing right away as she went from seeming incredibly tense, to returning to her normal, bubbly self. She began to clamber over me so she was on the free side of the bed, climbing under the sheets and snuggling down. “I’m naked.” I told her once she was tucked in. “I really don’t care.” I tucked myself in with her, turning on my side to look at her, both shooting one another apologetic smiles, knowing nothing more needed to be said about it. She was my best friend, and since everything happened with the video, it sometimes felt like she was the only normal part of my life I had left. She was the only person who could really keep me sane. It was a given that we would have the occasional argument, but it really didn’t need to last. She was my rock. I needed her. I felt a moment of weakness wash over me, desperate to tell her about what was going on between me and Harry, but I quickly changed my mind, realising the fact that it was a secret from the entire world was part of the excitement, that was one of the reasons it was so exciting. We lay in bed all morning just talking, reminiscing and laughing together, it was just what I needed.

March 10th. Hair extensions tugged on my head to the point where it felt as though my neck was going to snap, and yet another skin-tight all in one clung to my skin, so tight and constricting it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Three different people prodded at my face with makeup brushes and mascara and contraptions I’d never even seen before, threatening to take out my eye at any minute, and I had to physically force myself not to flinch away from their touch. I wistfully cast my mind back to the evening of The Brits, when the incredible woman had done my makeup so well, and she had such a sense about her. I found myself wishing I had her doing my makeup once again, but instead I had one woman with bright yellow hair and two boys, both wonderfully camp and witty, the three of them collectively wearing more makeup than I had ever worn in my entire life, all muttering between one another about some ‘bitch’ called Louise and can you believe she slept with Tina’s boyfriend. I was practically half asleep. The set of the video for ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ was as simple as it could possibly get, just a plain white backdrop, and a few lights. I saw Alex from the corner of my eye, stood looking just as lifeless as me as someone altered his skin too, seemingly uninterested. Finally, my three minions moved away, not even speaking a word to me as they finished their work, walking off together, still gossiping. I looked in the mirror, unable to believe it was me looking back at myself. My hair was fucking huge, long and wavy, around 80% blonde thanks to the extensions they’d attached vigorously, only my roots a dark brown. The suit was incredible; made up of different black bands that wove together and covered parts of my body that really needed covering, revealing sections of my skin at certain points, the flesh that was on show cold thanks to the studios lack of heat. My eyes were dark, black eyeshadow shaping them and bringing out the blue, and my lips seemed to be a bright pink shade, though from what I could remember they hadn’t actually put anything on my lips. I suppose my mind had been elsewhere. They could have painted my lips with chalk and I would have been none the wiser. If I’m to be 100% honest, I felt kind of amazing. I would never usually put so much effort into my appearance, and I had never been one for dressing up too much, or wearing any substantial amount of makeup, so it was different looking in the mirror and seeing that, the big blonde hair and smouldering eyes. I quite liked it, but also liked that it was a rarity. “Okay, let’s go.” The director shouted. I made my way over to Alex, standing next to him as I was told. I was handed a cigarette once again, having to pretend I smoked for the sake of the video. Myself and Alex stood next to one another, just slightly apart, looking into the camera, unti, he turned his head and looked me up and down. “Fucking hell.” He almost giggled. “You look different.” “I feel like a seventies porn-star.” I huffed “You watch a lot of seventies porn?” “All the time. It’s my favourite.” Alex laughed heartily as I turned back to the camera, smiling to myself slightly, easing thanks to his company. He hadn’t been there for the last shoot, but I’d gotten to know him so well since, that I considered him a good friend. I was grateful for his easing presence. The video was going to be as simple as possible, black and white, Alex singing along, with me next to him, moving slowly and with any luck, seductively to the music. That was literally it. Simple, but hopefully effective. Regardless, we were still stuck there until around midnight, trying to shoot it perfectly, trying to make everything the way the director had envisioned it, the way Alex wanted it to be. It was a little foreign, having to act with Alex in a sexual way, moving up against him at certain points, having him grasp my extensions as the lyrics sang hold your hair in deep devotion, tugging on it during the following line and hips lips almost grazing my neck. It was just all so surreal, but hopefully it would make for another good video. It was just minutes before midnight when the director finally told us we were done. As soon as I could, I yanked the extensions out of my hair, feeling the release on my neck right away, back to the normality of brown hair with just a hint of blonde at the ends. “Oh thank fuck.” I exhaled. The cameramen and people working on the set began to make their way out of the building, myself and Alex thanking them as they left. “What’s your plan now?” Alex asked. “I’m stuck between the idea of going to bed or going out for a drink.” “Let’s go get a drink. I’ll buy.” “I just got paid half a million for being in this video, Alex. I’ll fucking buy. I’ve got nowt else to buy.” Just as I was about to go into the changing room to put something normal on, Alex grabbed my arm, swinging me back round to meet him, our bodies almost colliding. “Don’t get changed.” He said. “Let’s tease people.”

We walked into K, already in fits of laughter thanks to a hilarious taxi ride together, enjoying each other’s company, ready to drink the evening away. I liked Alex. It took me a while to be calm and fully myself around him, but by this stage of my life, I found his company so easy. I was totally myself, completely relaxed around him at the same time as being in awe of him. He was probably the most self-assured person I had ever met, and of course it was a little big-headed at times, he really did think a lot of himself, but then it would only take me a minute to think of the fact he was Alex fucking Turner, and I realised I kind of had to let him off. He knew full well he was a spectacle, and he just lapped it up. It was both tedious and admirable at the same time. But as vain as he was, he was entirely himself at least, which in turn made me feel like I could be myself. We pushed through the crowds towards the bar, spotting the occasional face glare his way, point towards Alex, recognising who he was, but nobody ever bothered us. As much as I couldn’t stand Kyle after what I had learnt about him, he had done a bloody good job with the bar. He was getting the exact crowd I imagined he was hoping he would, it was becoming a regular place for me, Harry had been there, now Alex, and most people there just acted totally casual, like they saw those people every day. It wasn’t the kind of place I was accustom to. We stood at the bar, waiting to be served as I pulled my phone from my bag, seeing I had a text from Rachel, who we were planning on meeting there. Rach: Are you here yet? I’m so fucking excited. Also you were right about Kyle, I’m currently working on making him jealous. You’re going to shit yourself when you see who with. I furrowed my brows, tracking across the room to try and find her, see what she was talking about. My eyes met her soon enough. Her incredibly long brown hair tied into a tight ponytail, falling beautiful from the top of her head, sleek and shiny, beautiful olive skin that looked like she had literally just moisturized, skin tight green dress, talking to Harry. I was overcome with a jealousy I had not expected, feeling disheartened as he whispered into her ear and she stuck her chest in his face. To be honest, I hated it because it was Rachel. It wasn’t just any girl, it was Rachel. I was always the tag along with Rachel, she was typically more attractive than me in every sense of the word, more open, confident, presented herself with a lot more care than I did. She was stunning. I had always been the friend who stood on the side-lines as men fell at her feet. Whilst my eyes had been drawn to the sight I didn’t care to see, Alex had bought us both a beer. He passed me mine and I grabbed it quickly, almost downing the entire bottle in one foul swoop. Liquid courage. I could see Alex figure out that something had bothered me, looking to me with confused eyes as I stood just staring at Rachel and Harry conversing with one another. “S’wrong?” He asked me. I slammed my already empty bottle onto the bar, and signalled to the bar tender I wanted another, to which he obliged. “Are we teasing people?” I turned to Alex. “It could be fun.” He shrugged. “Yeah, it will, let’s do it.” I think Alex knew there was an underlying reason for me wanting to act away with him, that it wasn’t just to tease the crowd, or get people talking. He knew there was another reason for it, but he didn’t ask, he just humoured me. I nodded my head in the direction of Rachel and Harry so he knew where we were headed. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him, the crowd parting for him, like he had this divine power over them. It blew my mind, the affect that he had on people simply through the way he was acting, the way he was holding himself, how confident he was. Alex had an aura around him, people didn’t even need to know who he was to move for him, he had a pull around him, like an invisible bubble. Such an impressive specimen. Rachel squealed as soon as she saw me, standing herself up and throwing her arms around my neck. I watched Harry’s face drop over her shoulders, as I pretended I wasn’t even aware of the fact he was there. As soon as she stopped screaming she leant into my ear. “I’m sat with Harry fucking Styles, Anna. Trying my luck.” I just smiled, not saying a word about it. I had nothing positive to say, so it wasn’t even worth opening my mouth. She pulled out and went to shake hands with Alex, who happily obliged, leaning in and planting a soft kiss on her cheek. I could see she wanted to scream again, looking up to the ceiling as though silently thanking god, but she stayed as calm as physically possible, only shaking slightly. Harry still looked up to me wide eyed, but we didn’t say anything to one another. I think it was down to both the situation we had found ourselves in, and the deal we had agreed to. It was our secret. As far as anyone else there knew, I didn’t even know Harry. Rachel drew back from Alex, who effortlessly pulled me towards him again, like an overprotective partner. I was his touch. It was fun in a way, acting like that with him. I had always enjoyed theatre studies at school, and I’d convinced myself that this whole AM Girl charade was just like a really intense version of that. Alex leaned and whispered in my ear. “Are you fucking Harry Styles?” My eyes widened a little at his accurate prediction, and I dropped my head to the floor, making sure nobody could see my reaction his words. I then proceeded to take my head and whisper back to him. “It’s supposed to be a secret.” Alex grinned, a cheeky suggestive grin. “And you want to make him jealous?” We both stood close, our lips looking as though they were going to collide together at any second as I nodded, smiling slightly. “Okay, let’s do it.” He grinned. “What’re friends for?” With that, he kissed my neck, and dragged me off towards the crowd, closer to the band onstage, trailing his hand down to my bum and resting it there. I glanced back over my shoulder as we walked off together, and I could just about make out the temples of Harry’s head puffing in and out. I brought my head back around, and chortled to myself. I knew he didn’t like it, and I thrived off that. For around twenty minutes, I danced with Alex, our hands searching each other’s bodies playfully as we swayed, less than fazed by our touching. He spoke into my ear as we moved, Harry in his gaze. “He hates this.” Alex mumbled, clearly enthralled by our antics. “Yeah?” “He’s not even talking to anyone anymore, he’s just watching you.” “He isn’t talking to Rach?” I quizzed. “Nah. He only has eyes for you, kid.” I smiled to myself, knowing my little show had paid off, that Harry wasn’t going to go home with Rachel, that I wouldn’t get home to find them naked with one another in my flat. Harry could shag whoever the fuck he wanted, but not her. “Thank you.” I brought my head round to Alex. “No worries, love. It was fun anyway.” He shrugged and grinned. “Now, you head for the door, and I guarantee he will get up and follow.” “How do you know that?” I laughed it off. “Trust me. He’ll be on his feet in seconds.” I leant inwards, giving Alex a small kiss on the cheek, no longer taking part in our parade, just giving him a thankful kiss. He gave me a friendly wink, and sent me on my way. I made sure my hips flicked from side to side as I walked away, through the crowds, wanting to make my way home, but wanting Harry to follow. I crossed my fingers for a split second before uncrossing them, wishing I cared less but desperate for him to want me. I quickly made my way up the stairs and out the door, the cold air nipping at my revealed skin. It was only then I remembered I still had the outfit on from the video shoot earlier, and I suddenly felt totally ridiculous. Every single curve of my body was on show, every damn imperfection, and I finally started feeling as uncomfortable as I probably should have done all evening. The street was basically empty thanks to the absurd location of K, and I was thankful for it. “HEY!” I heard the voice from behind me. I breathed in a sigh of happiness and relief. Alex had been spot on. I turned around to see Harry pacing up to me, looking slightly flustered and angry. I simply stood looking at him as he came to a still in front of me. “Harry! I almost didn’t recognise you without my best friend’s ear attached to your lips.” “Were you jealous?” He asked. “Were you?” I threw back at him. “I asked first.” I faltered, unable to answer him, running my tongue across my teeth. Of course I was. I didn’t want to be but I was, and I couldn’t hide it. “Harry, you can fuck whoever you want, as long as it’s not the girl I live with.” “That was the girl you live with?” He gawped. I nodded to him. We shared a moments silence, the wind and the faint music from the club being the only things surrounding us in that moment. Harry awkwardly ran his hand through his hair, seeming a little mad at himself. I was more than aware of the fact that if Harry had known that, he wouldn’t have even gone near Rachel, but I had still wanted to make him jealous. And I liked that it worked. “So you were trying to make me jealous?” He bit his lip and stepped towards me. “Did it work?” I looked up to him. “Mm… I’m ashamed to say it did.” “Jealousy is a risky feeling.” I stated. “One we both felt.” He took another step, controlling a strand of my hair that was blowing in the wind by tucking it behind my ear. I had begun to hate myself for the amount I enjoyed his touch, but the feelings his body introduced to mine couldn’t be restrained. “So… what should we do about that?” I couldn’t help but focus on his lips. “Maybe we should call this a day. Before anyone’s feelings get hurt?” “I think you’re right.” I trailed my fingers to the bottom of his shirt, taking the last button and undoing it. He grinned down to me, my favourite dark glimmer lighting his eyes. “So are you coming back to mine then?” He smirked.