2015 So Far…
This year marked the 33rd of my life, in ‘human” years I am still come what young, in Athlete years I'm on my last leg if not on the autopsy table, and in the eyes of God I am the age in which his son was murdered by the jews. I feel like I am human but when I attempt to be so and care I get punished so i choose to be athletic but with out a forum to compete its just like shaking up a can of soda. And as it coms to God i feel that I have been abandoned and when I look back at my foot prints three has always been one set either god is carrying me or I am alone. I lean towards the latter ever since my 3rd year in the NBA. The season prior I was happy it was 2006 i remember it very well because since then I have been on a miserable downward spiral. That was almost a decade ago and in that time I have went form a marginally happy person to one who wakes up and depressed my eyes are open because it means another 24 hours of being me. I started this blog after I was harassed to s[eak about the fight in detroit and I decided that my words will be what history needs not ESPN or some other sports outlet. I continued to write because it made me feel better and I return to this outlet to seek solace. Recently I signed with a new league in the US called the Ameroleague was offered $200,000 but most importantly a venue to compete. It came out only a few days before I was to land in Las vegas that this whole thing was a scam, and that hurt. What hurt the most was not being able to compete again after dedicating myself to that cause for the better part of 2015. Now 6 days before the tip off was scheduled I am sitting again and this time I do not think I will bounce back. I have nothing left. All that i was is dead and I have spent the past 2 weeks seeking vengeance on any and all parties responsible but when I think with a clear head I am the one who got me here but now I have no power to get out. With the walls closing in I do not know what to do, who to speak to, how to help myself, I am lost. I used to think I knew where i was going and now its all cloudy. As i sit here all i want to do is strangle the life out of that fuck wo scammed me like look him in the eyes as the life passes from his body that would make me feel better but that makes me crazy. Being able to pay off my debt and keep my house from being taken from me, being able to buy my children christmas presents, being able to pay off bills all theses things I promised I would do with the money from the league. But now its just a bunch of nothing, I can not live like this and I am too ashamed to die like this I just do not know what to do. Just sad i think that this is that first death that athletes suffer all i have is regret for what i have lost for my children but the world that is being ushered in is a testament to where i stood my ground and refused to back down. but that doesn't put food in their mouth a roof over their head and clothes on their backs. I stood up for Marajuana legislation and it destroyed my life. now I when people are spoken of in the MJ revolution my name is not even an after breath. To the world that recognizes me I am just a fuck up, I am just sick of failing… for the past decade I have failed and if this continues I will crack. I will crack I feel like I am as calm as a bomb right now and the timer is set to epode the question is can i defuse it in time or blow something up that needs to fall down.
