#ambitionedit

JERIC GIFSET | @ambitionsource secret santa!!

I’VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND BALANCE WITH A LOT OF THINGS, ACTUALLY. And I’m still figuring it out, so even saying it feels kind of… I don’t know, but I also don’t think it’s going to change, even if sometimes in worse moments I want it to. But I think part of fixing that feeling is saying it, accepting it, sharing it with people who matter to me. I’m gay. And maybe that’s not really a big deal… but it is to me. Right now. And I wanted to share it with you all, because like Riley said, we’re family. You’re my friends, and I feel like you should know. Especially considering how patient you’ve been with me. You deserve the authentic me… even the parts I haven’t totally figured out.

SO WHEN HE BELTS OUT THAT LAST “BEING ALIVE”, we know how important it is. We know the weight it carries, because there was a time when he almost gave it up. We know just how deeply Farkle understands the beauty and fear and challenge and privilege of being alive.

@ambitionsource secret santa ❄ the front nine + enneagram types for maddi aka @lorelaisrorys 

I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WASTE. I don’t have time to waste on people who aren’t worth the effort. And I thought – I’ve had my experience with people who don’t keep their promises. I’ve had enough of it, forever, and so when you couldn’t be there for me and then twisted everything around, even when you said… even when we agreed to drop the antics… so I thought the solution was the same. The last time someone hurt me this way, they left, and that solved the problem. I never had to deal with them again because they were out of my life. Only I’m realizing that didn’t really solve anything. They’re gone, but the hurt is still there. Nothing about that situation is ever going to change, and it’s always going to hurt. Even with time. But maybe, here, things could still change. If we make the right choices, better choices, then no one has to go.

REGARDLESS OF WHAT I CHOOSE THOUGH, I need to be clear that I can’t be in the middle anymore. I love you both, but I am tearing myself apart trying to keep up with the constant back and forth. Trying to keep things civil in this family when I don’t think that’s supposed to be my job. And part of it is me – feels like I’m always looking for other things to focus on and fix rather than myself. But I can’t keep living like that. I need to start focusing on myself… and that comes with setting boundaries. I love you, dad, but I can’t carry your baggage with mom anymore. It’s your fight, not mine.

YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU HOW I REALLY FEEL? Fine. I think you’re being stupid. You’re being stupid about this assignment, when if you just took it seriously you might realize you could actually do lots of things with the right resources. That’s what Eric and Jack are there for. You’re being stupid about Riley, who has been nothing but nice to you despite you treating her like garbage. And you’re being stupid about the way you treat everyone else, including people who just want what’s best for you. You keep pushing, and pushing, and it’s like you want the rubber band to finally snap. Look at that and tell me it’s not fucking stupid! What’s so frustrating is that I know you’re not stupid, Lucas. I know that, but it’s like you don’t. Either that or you just don’t care, and I don’t know which one is worse!

YOU DON’T HAVE TO TREAT ME LIKE A HOUSE OF CARDS. I’m not going to keel over if you breathe too hard. You and I have never been soft with one another. Not in this kind of way, where you’re so obviously tip-toeing around me. I’m sorry if I’m being unpredictable. But I just want things to feel normal, alright? Like, if my best friends could just treat me like they always do, then maybe the absence wouldn’t be so pronounced. If everything else could stay the same, then a major change wouldn’t feel so earth-shattering. So can we just… I don’t know, can we just stop? I already feel bad that you’re giving up your time in Los Angeles to sit around and pity me, I don’t need to hear it in your voice, too.