#amarem

[Spoilers throughout!]

Sure, Kaladin has invented therapy, but where are the highly specific, timeline-blind, Cosmere-spanning support groups that our heroes desperately need? Support groups like...

1. "My Parental Figure Tried to Murder Me and all I Got was this Stupid Trauma."

Vin: You grow up thinking your mom tried to kill you, but it turns out she was just spiking you to be controlled for an evil god. Vin: Not better. Charlie: Oh man, that's horrible! My dad just sent me to an evil sorceress he thought would kill me because I was just that embarrassing to him. Wax: My uncle, who raised me, tried to blow me up with my own butler! And that was just, like, the first murder attempt. Shallan (sweating): I really thought there'd be more "and I killed them back" by now.

2. "Kin-Killers Club Support Group"

Wax: Kin-Killer's...Club? Shallan: I thinks someone thought the alliteration would be jolly before realizing that this group probably shouldn't be. Raboniel: Some would claim that "kin-killing" must be specifically a blood relative, like a daughter, rather than a spouse. Dalinar: ...should I go? Wax: No, no, I think wives definitely count as family! Vin: How do we feel about in-laws? Father-in-law? Brother-in-law? Shallan: Hey, it's all trauma. Kaladin: What if you didn't kill your brother exactly but you feel like it's definitely your fault and the guilt eats you alive? Wax: Yeah, nixing the jolly alliteration was definitely a good idea.

3. "I Did Not Enjoy Being Enslaved"

Kaladin: I think, for me, the worst part was that by the time I had fallen that low, I kinda felt like I deserved it. For not protecting people. Kaladin: I think that's why I kept my slave brands for so long. Rlain: I never thought I deserved it. None of my people did. Crow: Hey, why is this group's name in the past tense? Some of us are STILL enslaved to the big stupid dragon, you know!

4. "Dead Brother Gang"

Kaladin: Uh, Shallan? Is it awkward to have me here? Shallan: Eh, it's okay. Narratively, I got over you killing my brother really quickly! Shallan: Sorry he killed, like, all of your friends. Kaladin: I think that's trauma for a different support group. Shallan: Ha ha yeah! I've been to so many it's hard to keep track. Jasnah: If the two of you are finished, perhaps the rest of us could also talk about our deceased brothers now? Llarimar: Uh, is it okay if our brother died but then later came back to life? His death was still, like, very sad. Marsh: Of course. Even brothers who don't remain dead can be grieved. Marsh: ...Sometimes they manage to annoy you more.

5. "Horses Suck So Much--Why Doesn't Anyone Else See It?"

Kaladin: ... Vin: ... Kaladin: Vin: ... Kaladin: I really thought we'd get more people. Vin: Me too!

6. "Killed Off For Another Character's Development"

Evi: I know my death gave my husband such a powerful backstory but...it would have been nice to be in the main narrative. Vin's mom: Hey, at least you got a name. Parlin: It sucks, but it must be nice that you were grieved, at least! Parlin: People are like, why was Parlin even a character? Kelsier: (sighs) Yeah, our deaths may help the main character grow...but at what cost? Evi (low voice): Are we sure he qualifies?

7. "I Really Thought That Guy Was Cool and then He Almost Murdered Me and I Felt Kind of Stupid"

Vivenna: Turns out you CAN'T trust mercenaries, even if they seem jolly. Shallan: Some men who bring you jam and bread are...bad. Siri: Even nerds can be evil. Hrathen: Sometimes the crazed, violence-prone, deeply unstable underling you think you can control for your own purposes turns out to be crazy, violent, unstable, and murderous. Vivenna: ... Shallan: ... Siri: ... Hrathen: What?

7. "Wronged By Hoid"

O fato das pessoas amarem projetar seus medos, receios, frustrações nos outros, mesmo inconscientemente e sem zero responsabilidade afetiva ou empatia, sempre me deixou meio desanimada de querer manter diálogos, vínculos e amizades. O que eu posso fazer para evitar decepções, eu evito.

It is possible that you or your loved ones are cooking a turkey today. But how would Cosmere characters approach such a task, assuming they had turkeys and a desire to cook them and also modern appliances?

Rock: Low and slow, with plenty of basting. It will be delicious, and after smelling it for hours, his guests will definitely appreciate it.

Tress: In a pinch, after she finds the host weeping on the floor after some sort of dinner-related disaster: maybe the veggies are all moldy or something. Tress takes charge and somehow puts together a delicious dinner in like three hours. But how?

Kaladin: Tests out many different turkey-cooking methods in an attempt to survive dinner, including the "side cook" (a horrible failure) and "going out at night to gather herbs" (works better) and "getting all his friends to help" (works the best)

Amarem: Just steals Kaladin's turkey and claims he made it.

Yumi: Makes turducken. Only, the birds are stacked on top of each other rather than inside one another. Also, there are way more than three birds. It's an intimidating Tower of Fowl and everybody is half scared, half in awe.

Painter: Orders KFC. You cannot deny that it's delicious and effective.

Breeze: Cooks it in wine.

Wax: Decides to deep fry it. Goggles on. There is an explosion. Luckily Steris had a backup turkey (or three).

Aesudan: Buys enough turkeys for the WHOLE CITY. (Leaves most of them outside to rot, though.)

Dalinar: Leaves the turkey too long in the oven until it is very, very burned.

MeLaan: Proudly serves just the bones. It is unclear whether she is joking.

Zellion: Turns Aux into a bungee cord and tosses the turkey out into Canticle's sun for just a single second. It's burned. But nobody wants to say anything mean about the Sunlit Turkey.

Stormfather: Uses his storm powers to pressure cook the turkey. I'm pretty sure that works.

Lightsong: Chooses herbs and spices on a whim without any thoughts. It is nevertheless very delicious.

I LOVE YOU

DID YOU KNOW THAT

I FUCKING LOVE YOU

AND I KNOW YOUR DAY HAS BEEN SHIT

AND SOMETIMES

EVERYTHING JUST SEEMS LIKE A HUGE SACK OF ASS

AND NOT EVEN GOOD ASS LIKE SAGGY NASTY ASS

SOMETIMES NOTHING EVER GOES OKAY AND YOU FEEL HORRID

BUT GUESS WHAT

THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT LOVE THE DICKENS OUT OF YOU

AND THAT INCLUDES ME 

SO PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING CRAZY

BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO COOL FOR THAT

IF YOU'RE HAVING LIFE PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU BRO