Sometimes I think it just stems from the past. I remember back when I was made fun of in elementary school. Whenever I would try my best at doing something to just really accomplish something whether it'd be big or small. Some kids would just mock me. It was really frustrating because I felt like I did my best at something I wanted to do, and it just felt like what I wanted to do was only going to be made fun of. Why even bother to try when whatever you're going to do is just a funny joke to someone else, something to just have small talk to another friend, and say "Remember Amanda, what she did today was funny." It's not even the "You're hilarious" funny, its always the "She's a joke" funny. It sucks cause when you retaliate it gets even funnier for them. I think that's what sucks the most. Speeding up to today, whenever that happens and I would like to think that "Oh they're my friends, I don't have to worry that I'm getting made fun of in the wrong way," I can't help to think that I'm still that same joke I was when I was a kid. Maybe I take things too seriously, maybe that's my fault. Maybe I'm just too hard to read when my feelings and self-esteem gets hurt. Why even try, when you're just a joke. Well at least it's fucking memorable.
