#amalgayed

(An article I posted in the past but that I am inspired to repost)

Dear Lover,

I have spent the evening with you yesterday and was reminded once again of how wonderful you make me feel. You make it so easy to love you, to embrace you and feel you with every part of my body and soul. 

When I am with you, my worries manage to dissipate and a sense of happiness, hope and excitement for life takes over without a fight.  You ignite a sense of exhilaration and inspiration in me, and you delicately push me to exude all of my joy.

Although I try to appreciate you many times a week, it never seems to be enough and I find myself yearning for that electric connection that we create when we are together.  

When you escape my life for a while, I feel like the balance in my life has been shaken.  It leaves me with a hollow sentiment, in a stressful state and an unfulfilled need to experience you. 

Sometimes, you do cause me pain, especially when you challenge me beyond my capacities, or when you expect too much from me.  I hurt for a while, but all at once, I wait impatiently to be with you again, because I know that you are worth every ache that I feel.

The truth is, you are my love, my priority and my greatest passion.  Without you, I am lost, out of shape; I am motionless.

We have learned and lived through many divisions in the world.  Colonialism vs. the third world, communism vs. the “West”, the West vs. the West’s enemies (thank you Bush for your clarity), capitalism vs. socialism, are to name a few.   I do however believe we are facing a deep new divide.  This edgy difference has not only polarized the world, but has broken societies, and even ruined friendships. This so called neo-polar movement is taking greater notice and is spreading like an epidemic.   Sadly, this new shift has evolved yet again to another era of clashing powers: the Singles vs. the Coupled.

When I was in a relationship, I didn’t realize the intensity of this new world order.  I was blind-sighted because I was not a victim of this neo-polar swing that is so harshly led by the hegemonic Coupled.  Now as a Single, I am faced with constant discrimination and finally grasp this redefined bipolar society that we live in.

Instinctively, in the beginning of my victimhood, I ensured a large Singles’ network expansion to ultimately unite and protect our territory, but most of all, our dignity. 

However, naturally, I remained friends with some couples, those whom I thought were not statusist (discrimination towards status), but I fear today that we must trust none of them.

One of my Coupled friends called me today to inquire whether I was going on the weekend getaway to my other Coupled friend’s chalet. I was a bit confused as I was not aware of this event. This friend, or “so called” friend with the chalet (now referred to as Mrs. Chalet) was closer to me, or at least I thought so, than she was to the one who phoned me.  I was perplexed.  Was I actually rejected because of my status?

After a few seconds of puzzlement, I fathomed this new reality; she was a statusist. 

Coincidently, I found out later that Mrs. Chalet’s best friend, also a Single, was not invited.  This was certainly not the first time nor the last that we both were faced with such rejection, but we knew we needed to stand our ground.

Gloomily, this story is not unique to my friend or me.  Many of the Singles live this daily.  This continuous prejudice leaves us no other choice but to build our protectionist borders and seclude ourselves from the rest.  We must prepare ourselves for what could potentially shape this movement into a world war. 

I work in a particularly hectic, intense, capitalistic company that is composed of A type personalities who often find themselves forgetting about their basic human needs of eating and peeing and instead focus on the war of business. Most of the day, we run, we shout, we rush and sometimes, if time permits, we chat. 

In the midst of a hectic work day, I decided to sit in the company’s Zen area to balance out my sense of normalcy. This so called Zen area is made up of a few tables that stand right in front of the plant wall adding some nature to the very computerized and tech based work days.

I began reading a project brief, while typing an email on my blackberry and vaguely enumerating in my head a to-do list for the rest of the day.

As I am juggling several tasks, I become distracted with a shuffling plant noise near me.  Could it be a snake in the building?  I was mistaking, it was the famous plant lady.

Her grayish hair indicated her middle age range while her attire projected the complete opposite. Her pink rock t-shirt, coupled with jeans, joined by her framed stylish glasses hid her older age and transformed her into an Avril Lavigne looking teen.  Her converse shoes with beaded sparkles completed her outfit and she became who I like to call the famous plant lady.

I forgot what I was in the middle of doing and instead geared my gaze towards her.  I was intrigued by her sense of contentment during her plant cutting task or should I say, during her pleasure. She seemed to be so relaxed and fulfilled that nothing in the world could break her happiness.  I became increasingly captivated by the plant lady and found myself sucked into her peaceful bubble and disconnected from my daily craze.

The plant lady, completely oblivious of my presence, ignited a sense of doubt in me. Her serene composure made me start to question my life, my future, and basically everything. I started to wonder if I wanted to continue to live this crazy hectic, stressful lifestyle while earning decent money, or if I simply preferred to be content with a small mediocre job and stereotypically earn less money.  

Her concentration and deep attention and care for her plants continued to astonish me, but her seamless smile and her cheerful humming made me admire her. 

I want to be happy and content like her, I thought to myself.

Her sweet humming continued to resonate in my space and her gaze finally crossed mine accompanied by her genuine smile. 

I contemplated, I contemplated; should I smile back (pause), or should just kick her in the chin.

I am a young 29 year old free spirited woman, who enjoys intellectual conversations, dancing, writing, politics, photography, traveling and who loves to explore the night life.   I am not looking for a mate, not a boyfriend or husband, and certainly not seeking for a kinky experience.  Rather I am simply looking for a girl buddy who shares the same interests as me and who wants to hit up the Montreal night scene as frequently as possible.  Please contact me @xxx

I am 29 years old women imploding with energy and I love to be out and about. I love to meet new people, feed off of their energy, learn new things, hear different perspectives and ultimately I just love to be surrounded by people.  I don’t necessarily drink and lose control to the extent that I can’t remember the night.  Rather, I barely consume alcohol because my drug is the simple action of talking to others.

However as I am getting older, I am losing all my partners in crime, whether it be to new boyfriends, husbands, wedding planning or simply their eternal love affair with their jobs.   I have some of the greatest girl-friends, don’t get me wrong.  They are loyal, sweet, supportive, smart, but none of them could match up to my energy level.  Most prefer to stay home, watch a movie, relax, have a quiet dinner and sleep early.   Whatever it may be, I love them dearly, but it doesn't stop me from seeking for new friends compatible with my lifestyle.

Some may call me immature, others may call me a late bloomer, but I disagree firmly and believe that my outgoingness is a prevailing part of my character and a trait that will remain embedded in me. Don’t misunderstand me, if I ever have a family and kids, I will simmer down a bit, but in the meantime, there is no valid reason for me to act like a hermit.

Life has so much to offer that I find it seriously damaging to seclude one self.  The idea of going to work, followed by a monotonous gym workout with the exceptional Zumba class on Wednesdays, and then back home to cook, eat dinner, shower, and finally sleep again is beyond cruelty in my perspective.  To commit such a crime every day with such boring, redundant and unadventurous activities is simply beyond me. I am ultimately trying to avoid this dull routine. 

The problem is that I seem to be one of the few people trying to avoid these mundane days and so I hail to you dear out-going socialites, (with intellectual characteristics mandatory as there is only so much fashion and boys I can really talk about), give me a shout out because there is only so much talking I can do with myself before people start to judge me.

When I finally end up going out with my beloved girl-friends, I find myself stressing the whole  time as I suspect the evening will end particularly early compared to my desired curfew.  I find myself like a hawk, watching their eating and drinking pace, knowing very well that as soon as their consumption rituals are done, the end of the night resurfaces.  And at that point when it’s only 10h30pm, and the night is over, I find myself so extremely lonely and unsatisfied with life. 

And so I am contemplating posting the above add on a “meeting” site to find my female soul mate.   I often contemplate the idea of finding a boyfriend even if that’s not necessarily what I desire right now, I contemplate going back to my expat life in the Middle East where the word loneliness becomes obsolete and finally I contemplate moving to New York where people are always ready to mingle.

I went to my university today to get some undesired studying done.  After an hour at the library, an hour primarily of facebooking and emailing, I decided to gift myself with a lunch break.

I sensed an air of excitement amongst the students imploding in the building.  It may have been the school strike taking place or perhaps the +20 degree weather.   Seriously mid-March and 20 degrees in Montreal, global warming is spoiling us before destroying us.

Anyway, so as I was walking, I was observing the students, mostly younger than I am.  They projected a sense of idealism while marching with their pro school strike banners, while others looked naïve as though the world belonged to them.  I was truly wishing to go back to that sense of innocence and simplicity, those days when I was clueless, abnormally confident and ready to conquer the world. 

I finally reached the cafeteria, while reminiscing (with myself) about my younger days. I sat near a window watching the students chill on the grass, with their books and computers laying close and neglected beside them.

I spotted a young couple, anywhere between 18 and 21 years old.  They seemed so deeply infatuated with each other, carelessly making out on the grass as though they were the only two on the planet.  It was beautiful to watch actually.  The beginning of a romance coupled with youth and idealism exuded this powerful yet sweet wave in the air. 

Here I am, a few hours later, studying at a coffee shop far from my University and subtly observing a couple around 35 years of age, acting very similarly to that naïve duo I watched earlier.  They are equally making out carelessly in front of me once again as though they are the only two people on this planet.

I went to the liquor store to buy wine today.  To my great astonishment and great pleasure, the teller requested to see my ID.   I know that I look younger than my age and indeed it serves as a major challenge at work, but to be carded and mistaken for an 18 year old was nonetheless strange.

I responded quite hesitantly, and confirmed his question.

I happily took out my ID card and as I gave it to him, I confidently said: “Thank you, but I am 29 years old”.

The teller reacted shockingly, once again giving me a sense of pride and reassurance.

Later that day I went to meet my 32 year old male friend for coffee.  He started to tell me about his dating anecdotes.  He mentioned how he dated a 21 year old a couple of years back and how he noticed the age difference. The following girl didn’t last very long either as she seemed to want to commit too quickly as he repeated, but he figured it was because, “she was an older woman”.

I assumed she was in her mid 30s, not that it’s old, but simply because I can understand how the maternal clock may pressure a lady to want to commit quicker than a 25 year old. 

I asked him how old she was.

He answered casually and clueless: “Around 29-30.”

I reacted remarkably offensively.  I wondered and still wonder, is that considered old now a days. I am 29 and never thought to check myself in the “old category.”

Here I was, with a completely destructive ego, living a Sex and The City episode.  “Are women in their 20s the new threat?” I pondered.

I decided to stay home Saturday night due to a stuffy cold and an abundance of work.  I ended my night with a book in hand, in my bed under my covers and accompanied by a lit candle that sentimentalized the mood.  It was nice, it was very calm, and very different from my technology filled, computer filled and social network filled hectic day.  It was absolutely lovely and I was romanticising this serene evening.

I paused, and I rethought that moment. I then I noticed; I was still somehow connected.

Here I was in bed, indeed with a gently flaring candle, reading.  But I wasn’t reading a book; rather here I was reading an e-book on my kindle and highlighting with the push of a button and an arrow, words and sentences that I wanted my kindle to store for later.  Here I was connected to my Wifi and searching for the next book to buy – here I was still connected.

As I was reflecting on that very point, my brain started to ponder on how the world changed so drastically over the last few years. I was saddened to notice this obvious loss of romance, fantasy and authenticity in the moments that we gave up so easily to the disruption of technology.

I thought about how meeting someone used to be through a friend or a physical encounter.  Where the chemistry between you and that person was felt, filling the room and going unnoticed between the two of you, making both of you shy, humble and curious about each other. That moment that made you want to discover more about each other, his or her values, hobbies and everything else.

Instead, here we are in a world where we choose a person based on a profile. Where we choose a person based on the filtering option and where 87% compatibility could be the one!

What happen to these romantic moments?

My thoughts drifted even more.  I thought about the times when a man would approach me at a bar, or at a coffee house.  The man would make sure to give me his number or to take mine.  Today, he takes my name, my full name, inquires on whether we have mutual friends and then the night ends without any exchange of information.

The next day, I get a facebook request and a poke!

Part 1

Today I woke up a bit cranky from the lack of sleep from my excruciating back pain. It took me something like 10 minutes to manoeuver out of bed. My poor back could let ago at any moment and I would find myself falling without resistance to the floor something like when your knees break loose.  I struggled walking and PAM!  an abrupt ach perpetuated in my right knee and I knew at this point my body was destroyed from the simple action of going up the stairs and only age could justify such catastrophic destruction.

Bref, j'ai 29 ans 

Part 2:

I did however find some joy in my life this morning when I found a long lost silver ring of mine in a shape of a beetle, a sign of good luck which is very much needed these days.

I lost the ring today. 

Hope you are doing well