First of all, how dare you choose him when I know there is only ONE woman for him.

But for the sake of the game, I would have to match him with Edelpest (when he’s younger or she’s older, of course). She’s a fiercely loyal friend, an exceedingly kind person, and a brilliant thief. Also a bastard. She has green eyes to contrast her brilliant red hair from her mother, and dark skin and brows from her father. She’d challenge him, question him, and leave him utterly confused if she ever speaks her mind, but she’d never do anything to hurt him.

Part of me hoped that every time I went to a new show that I’ll get to see his face one more time. That he’d be standing next to me like he had done a thousand times before. I wanted more than anything to be able to recreate that feeling of father daughter bonding that only came from going to a show. I needed to hear his voice singing next to me when the band played. I needed the excitement, the never failing sight of his happiness when his favorite musicians played. I needed all of this because he was the only one who understood that this was my very favorite thing about going to a show.

I forced myself into the pit; I neeedd to feel anything even if it was a self-inflicted punch to the side, or a kick to my leg. It would be even better if it was to the face, but when you look like me and are of my size most guys protected you before throwing a punch. I failed at feeling his presence again, another thing to add to the ever growing list of ways to not feel his presence. Then I made my way up to the barricade in hopes that I would be thrown up against it when the crowd got going. I needed this more than I knew, I craved it. San Diego

Zander saw right through what I was doing and made security take me out of the audience, escorting me to side stage. He wanted me safe but I wanted nothing to do with being safe. Safe meant that you didn’t feel pain. Safe meant that everything was okay. Truth was I that I was dying right in front of him because the pain I felt was too great for me ever be okay. I couldn’t live in a world where he didn’t exist. I’ve heard other people say that before, but I never truly understood what that meant until I lost him.

I didn’t want to be okay, caged in like an animal. So I made my way up to the front of the stage with Zander’s eyes burning into the back of my head. I looked back at him, looked at the audience going wild before me. Someone yelled for me to jump into the crowd and that was all I needed to push me over the edge.

I jumped.

I jumped to feel again, to feel free and to feel anything other than pain. I let go of my all my fears about the future, and for a few seconds I felt like he was right there crowd surfing next to me. That’s when I saw clearly everything I was searching for. I saw his face as I was being tossed around, hands from the crowd moving me around like a rag doll and I began to weep, truly weep for the first time. This was the stage of acceptance I needed without knowing it for myself, he wasn’t coming back and there was no way I could change that. I wept for this realization that broke all the walls of pain down. I wept for his broken, cancerous body that finally gave out months ago.

I felt light, as if crying made the weight of my pain go away. Who knows if I would be better ever again; who knows if I’d ever live a day without thinking of his absence.

Eventually I was pulled back up front and escorted back to the stage. Once Zander saw the tear stained face no longer masking a face smile façade, he smiled back at me knowing that I was going to be all right even if it were only for a few seconds.