#altered larp

[Altered LARP] Father Donegan: The Hanged Man

UPRIGHT: Pause, surrender, letting go, new perspectives REVERSED: Delays, resistance, stalling, indecision

I am panicking, despite knowing I shouldn’t yet, my brain screams to take the gag off and tear this thing out of my throat. My hands scrambles to the cloth, terrified noises leaving my mouth.

The climbing continues until it nestles up where my tongue surely once sat. I continue to choke on it, body protesting as tears run down my face and my stitched mouth spreads the intense taste of iron.

I heave and gasp, finally having the gag off but the stitches mean I can’t rip this out. Whimpers and moans of fear are all I can manage as I try and get Ford or Marley’s attention.

Breaths quicken as my vision darkens and narrows, the cold feeling in my arm pulsing, the screams trapped behind my frozen mouth and the thing.

They come over and split the stitches, I can’t tell who as I shake. I try to speak but all I can do is lean over and vomit up that fucking black tar. I’m sure my tears are stained at this point.

I start to reminisce about siblings when my voice cuts out.

Her face… how can I forget her face? She was everything! She was the light and the sun! I would hang each of the stars in the sky for her just so she could count them. Fresh baked apple crisp and giggles beneath blankets.

Her face… was it like mine? Wider eyes and smaller nose?

If I can lose someone so important, what about the rest of me?

Am I still me?

I’ve been here for years and it has left a weight on my soul. I’m no longer the Jay that fell through that portal, the Jay that should have drowned.

You’re stronger and smarter than her.

My family relies on me. I am their voice while they cannot scream. I walk in the light so they can walk the shadows beside me. I stitch their wounds and put our pieces back together.

The Jay from before would be horrified by my family. She is nothing anymore, I’ll make sure of it.

The whispers slowly build in my ears, the faint crying in the distance becoming too much to bear.

My brain can’t help but think back to the way Ford made me promise this wouldn’t become a problem.

It isn’t a problem, he was over reacting

A rattle of a bottle as it's drawn from a pocket. Hands shake so hard that a pill or two falls to the forest floor

Get out of my head

Choking down the bitter feeling, chewing through the awful flavour

I don’t need it

Then the quietness, dampening the whispers of the woods

Just this one time can’t hurt

Ŗ̵̳̭̒̎̈́ḁ̵̧̞͔̙̦͋͊͑̕g̵̜͕̦̜̯̗̤̾̀́͋͆̀̕ͅè̴̢͚̬͔͖͌,̶̜͚̱̘͓̒̿̆͗͘͘͘͜

Helpless

They ̵̫̖̎̏͂ȃ̸̖͖̐͝b̵͔̀̃a̴̡̯͊̍͝n̸̡̈̓̾ͅd̸̗͔̅̒̾ͅo̸̭͍͇͝n̸̨̛̺̮͗ë̶͔̠́̕d̸̥̎͌͗ ̴̤̬͑ you

Moving against my will, actions not my own.

You are Ã̸̛͖͙͙͗̀̃͋̏͐̇̔͝ͅl̷̥̈́͌̾̕͝͠o̵̢̥̲̤͍̙̲̮͙̱̥͒̎̑͂̿ń̸̡̨̛͓̪͙͕͈̪̬̯̲̟̫͓͖̟̲̭̥̹̺͕͗͊͆̊́̈̆̑͠ẽ̶̛͎̻̼̭͐̍̌.̶̧̛̛̞͍̘̯̼̥̼͓̗̖̖͕̩̺̻̠̦̯̗̈́́̄̓͐͌̑̆͑̊͆̕͘͜

I watch from behind my eyes as Ford is on the ground. Vile words spill from my mouth as I slowly tear him apart. The panic and fear, the absolute pain of seeing him like this, somehow feels worse than dying. I'm killing him, tearing the shadowy flesh from him.

I'll make him p̶̖̱͕͑̇͋́̊̑ͅa̸̺̿ẏ̶̫͈͙̳́̓̌͂̐͂̆̿ it's his f̴̢̱͔̙̙̲̊̈ä̷͖͙̥̗̜̗͍̮́̍̎ư̸̙̲͔̼͓̟ḹ̸̓t̵̢͎͇͎͚̱̝̘̗̼̄̀́̒̽͑̊̒̌̚̚

Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, I'm beside Tristan. I scream inside as I hurt him, the words somehow worse than the feeling of my nails scraping away his skin. I push and push as he hugs me, scrabbling inside myself as I am nothing but a puppet.

He promised he promised ḩ̴̧̜̹̤̓̚ę̴̢̟͕̃͒̿ ̸͈̘̱̩͚͛̋͐̓̋p̸̦͕͍̗͓̊͌͊͘r̶͚̅̀̆͗̚ǫ̷̛̯̻̣̲̉̒͂̄m̵͇̤̀͝i̴̛̹͋s̵͉̲̤͑ė̸̝̮̈͛d̷̥̥̈́̒̑͝

A flash, and I am in Proctor's arms, making him beg for forgiveness. It's not his fault but I screech and wail.

Ļ̷̠̰̄͛̌̈́̓̈Ī̷̛͕̹̥̪͉̽̈́͌̈́͋͆A̵͚̠̖͝ͅR̴͚̲̝̰͇̂̎̽̉̍̀̐͊͘S̴̢̥̭̬̱͗͌̓̑̇̃͠ ̵̨̧͕̫̪̩̭̯͌͌ͅL̴̤̠̇͆̆̀̇́͂̕͠͝I̶̦͎̲̘̺̥̮͍͕̭͋̎̿̔̓̀͘͝A̸̛̱̯͂͑͒̈́̀͒R̴̞̍̍̿͐̄͗͌̈́̀̚S̴̡̢̖͓̩̺̄̌̇̑͘̕ ̵̨̰̠̜͙̙͎̞̮̏̓͑̈́̍̾̚͠L̷͇̳͚̗̝̰̺̽͌̅̉̽̊̐̐̿̚͜ͅǏ̶̝͉͔̰̭͓͚̃́A̵̛̖͆̔͗̂͌͂̚͠ͅȐ̵̖͈̪̝̲̅̃̀̄̾̌͘͝S̴̲̹̞̝̿̋̇̄̽́̐͘̕ ̸͓͓̪̬̩̝̐̓̈́̄̈́͑̆̌L̷̹̞̣̺̪͒̍̈͜Ī̵̧̱̘̼̙͈̳̆̾̀͝À̴̛̦̏̒͒̑̇͗̊̚R̴̡̛͉͖̜̦̝͕͔̯͊̂̅̾S̵̹̞͇̠̖̓̒͐̌̉͆͠ ̶̨̡͇͖̖̼͕͌͑L̸̢̦̦̱̩̞͇̍͂́̓Ḯ̵̲͖̩͇̠͊͗̈́̿̾A̷͈̗̓̈́́̀́̄͐̚R̸̥̬̥̾͒̄S̵̳̠̦̗͈̍̽̄̔̈̒̏͜ ̷̛̟̺̖̻̦̘̫͉́́̍̽̇̈͝L̶̼̬̙̭̭̤̬̠͉͒̇̓̚͜͠I̷͍͙̹̥̞̼̟̹͍͙̓͊̃̾͋̅A̷̳͎̯̋ͅR̷̰̺̥͌̄́̎͐̈̈́̾̄̈́S̵̱̼̰̰͓̾̈̌̒̏͌ͅ ̸̢̳̟̝̰̠̈̔̋̄̆̑̉̕͠L̵̯̪̫͉̟͖̖̺̈̀͐̉̾͗͗I̵̧̬̞̭͉͋̾̉͊̈́̏͠ͅẠ̸̢̧͎̼̞̯͓̳͋̍̓Ŕ̷̨̢̦̗͖͍͎̘̰̑̆͘͠͝S̸̖͚̭̲̓̂̀̃͛̈́͛̑̐̌ͅ ̷̳̥̼͉͕̭͚̦̪̺͛̓͛̏́̇͘L̵̛̛̗͕̦̇̽͛͆̉̆͝Į̸̧̙͕̤̹͙̔̌̿̽͌̓́̔Ä̸̝̰̲̣̳̦̪̱́̏̂̊͑͌́̌̔̾R̴̢̨̢̨̯͕̤̫͗͜S̶̨̖̙̼̟̞̻̞͓͙̍͆̂

Tearing them all down.

Tearing down the ones I love as I am breaking inside.

Why did they leave me? Why was I all alone?

The feeling of the exorcism starting is indescribable, the rage turning up to a 10 as I force those around me to stop the ritual. Shining the lights at Ford as he shies away.

I'll make them all regret forgetting me

Then I'm there, I'm... real? Shaking in someones arms as apologies stream from me. I can barely draw breath through the sobs.

The arms clutching me feel like too much, I don't deserve their comfort after all I've done.

The shadows envelop me, and the feeling finally makes everything break. I hear everything through a gauzy film of fear, of abandonment.

Promises spill from me; I barely know what I'm saying as everything falls apart. Insides left raw and bare, the voices call, but a whisper keeps me tethered.

He's there.

He's real.

Suddenly my tongue becomes lead, my voice dying in my throat. Panic claws its way from my lungs. I can't lose control again, not so soon.

Not again, not again, please no.

He's there beside me, putting the pieces back together. Words slowly return, and the feeling fades to the background.

The woods seem to reach out to me, trip me up and shift before my eyes. Does no one see it? Do they not hear the whispers flowing on the wind?

I must be losing my mind; everything is fuzzy after being in the deadlands. Sand clogging up my mind, the powdery dust must have left marks inside me

"is Hal okay?"