so I slept for a couple hours and when I woke up I was embarrassed about the whole thing. but I know what I felt. maybe I'll feel it again tonight. but my best friend was finally back in town so I got to unload to her a little finally. cried some more but felt better after. came home and made a breakup playlist. time will tell whether this was a productive activity.

can't believe I'm saying this but I kinda want to get out there and date again. don't know if that is a good idea. there's all this cultural angst around "rebounds" or whatever but I don't think I am very susceptible to that sort of thing. I don't care for partnered sex and it is really hard to get me to lower my inhibitions even on a good day. if not for the kink scene I doubt it would have happened with gf. course, that is another issue. all the kink scene is poly so I doubt I will look there to date again. but that means I may have to find some other way to cultivate intimacy with someone. I have never successfully done it otherwise.

also think it's a Bad Look (to potential partners) to be dating so soon again. what am I even after? idk. not sex, that's for damn sure. not attention, like gf is. a distraction? doesn't seem right, got plenty of other stuff to happily distract myself with. think it's maybe I kinda miss expressing affection and caring for someone. what the fuck. since when did I need that. but anyway it takes a miracle to move me to do that, so it's not a reasonable expectation either