I crossed a line. A guy where I work is amazing. He’s hot, smart, active, kind but (here’s the kicker) he has a girlfriend.

Just hear me out.

Today I went to his place. I went in knowing we’d cross that line from talking about kissing and fucking to doing it. The action was imminent because that was my intention. Within ten minutes he’d kissed me, within another five our clothes had fallen to the floor and his fingers were inside me. God, he can kiss and his body, it’s better than I imagined. Yes, we crossed a line, then he sat and I slid to my knees and we crossed another. Taking his cock into my mouth was perfect because the world fell away and he was mine. For the minutes he watched me, he was mine and I fucking loved it. I always loved it, the game.

"The game?" I hear you cry, "That's someone life." 

The game is all for an Alpha. 

What is an Alpha? An Alpha is a dominant person. Not always a loud person, not aggressive, no, an Alpha is an interesting creature. We are people who see the whole dynamic of 'courting' as a hunt. Dating, flirting, sex, are the Alphas bread and butter. Teasing and pursuing someone, especially if you shouldn't are all Alpha traits. We are confident and almost completely secure in ourselves as people.  Alphas are absolutely secure in our sexual prowess. We know we're good in bed, nay, spectacular and we own that shit. 

Now you may look at this and see someone who is trying to justify their own choices in order to feel better. However, you'd be wrong. I don't feel guilty; I've only ever felt guilty because I didn't feel guilty, which is ridiculous. Even before my husband (whom I did not cheat on miraculously) this set of behaviours defined me. I never felt guilty about cheating. I only felt bad about hurting someone I liked because I wanted something else. If I cheated on my partner, the relationship ended the next day. This was because I knew it would happen again and it was only a matter of time. 

I have heard every possible reply to this. Everything from 'You have no morals' to 'You have a sex addiction' and here are my replies. I have plenty of morals, I love my friends and family and I know right from wrong. I know that hurting people is wrong and I avoid it. As an example, rather than cheating on my husband I ended the marriage. I realised a while ago that there was nothing wrong with being me as long as everyone involved consents.

Addiction is another thing entirely, I love sex, I love everything about it but I can stop. I don't have to have sex but I want to, so defiantly not an addict. The process of the hunt can be addictive. The chase and the sex afterwards is a thrill but the whole thing can be halted. When we do it's like a fly buzzing behind your ribs. I suppose it's more like an addiction than I care to think about but ultimately, I can stop and I know others who have.

I spoke to a friend earlier who is like me; he loves the game but is locked into marriage. His dilemma is to cheat or don't. It's a dilemma because unlike many people we are aware of the pain our actions inflict, we are not amoral. Usually, Alphas are intelligent, decisive, driven and focused. There is a tendency towards compulsive control issues, high functioning anxiety or OCD. These things make us organised but we're also selfish. That drive to satisfy can override even the best of intentions or the most committed of vows. Selfishness is the dominant trait; we are inward focused beings. We are also kind, considerate and passionate because we have the choice. Having a choice is important. Marriage leaves us no choice, relationships and monogamy leave us no options. Ultimately, this leads to dilemmas like the one my friend is in. It is the one I was in before my marriage ended. 

I wish to clarify; we don't 'cheat on a whim'. We knowingly seek out someone who will scratch the itch. Not simply sex but passion, fire and compatible needs. It's also about intellect and stimulation on all sides. Maybe this makes us worse than the opportunistic cheat? Maybe our intelligence and the active pursuit of the act make it worse? I any case the itch needs to be scratched. Porn, porn helps but it doesn't satisfy for long because it is an intrinsic part of our personality to seek and find.

We get bored and annoyed with monotony. We become restless with people who are 'okay' at sex, with partners who have no fire. Yes, the answer seems clear, find someone who does but you have no idea how difficult that is. Most people fight the Alpha urges their whole lives. Some, like me, give up every opportunity that provided an outlet for it as the temptation is too much. 

We love like everyone else and because of that, we force ourselves, like I did, into a box of commitment and monogamy. We love hard and fast, of course, we do, but it traps us. We then fight ourselves because society says that who we are is wrong. What we want is crass and base with no long-term satisfaction. What we should want is the long-term relationship. What we should want is friendship, love, support and devotion of one person. This creates its own issues. 

Intelligent people need stimulation and love doesn't always point you in that direction. Sometimes we find a person who is smart but then we reach their limitations and now we're bored. You love them but they bore you. You love them but they're not challenging. You love them but you're looking for something more. So, as any Alpha would, you look. You look and you find and then you wreck your life because you need it. You crave the stimulation, the thrill of the chase, the satisfaction of someone new.

My point is that western society pushes this notion of romance. It drowns us in the 'one true love' fallacy but Alphas thrive on more than one partner. 

As I write this I can hear your judgment about me and my friends' character. I can feel your smug satisfaction as you sit on the sofa next to your partner. Ask yourself, does this sound like them? If the answer is yes then you should be concerned because that urge, that behaviour doesn't vanish. It's like a demon buried beneath the surface of their minds ready to wake up and break your life at any moment. 

The old adage of 'All’s fair in love and war’ comes to mind. Maybe I see life as a war? It's a battle of wills, me versus the world and its tyrannical relationship obsession. Maybe it's between me and society and it never-ending focus on the 'one and only'? I do know one thing though, the demon won't be stopped. It may be placated. It may be halted for a time. It may even be buried under good intentions but you know what they say about the road to hell, don't you? 

Should I define Alpha Personality?

As I’ve said a hundred times so far, I strongly believe that we all should refuse to be ordinary, as we have the potential to be extraordinary.

I’ve created this blog, I work on my books and on my courses, because I strongly believe that all the people can have a strong self-confidence, all the people can be great communicators, all the people are able to enjoy…

I had a pretty interesting conversation with my friend Elias (neuro scientist with a sidehelping of psychology, f2m transgender and waightlifter ) about the recent coming out of Caitlyn Jenner and Janae Marie Kroc.

We both were a bit puzzled about Kroc’s alpha-male statement as it happens the both of us do have a alpha personality and the same is ture for most of our real life trans friends.

Sorry to rain on your parade Janae Marie but this doesn't make you “special” in the community. Sure most of us aren't world record powerlifters but we sure have a olympic legend, a surf legend (Westerly Windina) and a ton of other people who are highly recognzed in there fields (be it athletics, science or entertainment)

Elias made a observation that I’d like to get feedback on.

“It’s striking how many of us do have a alpha personality and are extroverted introverts. Just look at the people who came out the last couple of years. Caitlyn, Janae, Mina (Caputo), Laura Jane (Grace) and than there’s our friends like the other Elias, Serena, Chris. All alphas and all extroverted introverts.”

So my question to you tumblr land. Is it just us? Considering the fact that the combination of alpha personality and extroverted introverts is pretty rare in wider society are there proportionally more of us on the transgender spectrum or is it the peas in a pot problem?