#almosttexts

I’m scared of scaring you away... but i will. I always do. No one has been up to the task. I’m to in myself for anyone else. This is where I come to breathe. The warm beach before the sun rises. It’s always been my happy place. Right before the sun comes up. It represents me. All the colors, the sounds, the calm... you’ve seen this. I feel like you understand. But than again no one understands.

I don’t think flinging myself in front of you for your attention is going to work for me anymore. Seems like it’s pointless especially since you clearly don’t care at all. Why do I keep trying to convince myself you love me or give any type of feelings towards me. Your actions show me opposite of everything I’ve believed up until now. Everything is a big blob of nothing. I feel you pulling away. Maybe i came on way to strong or maybe you’re afraid. There’s to many maybes and to much feeling involved on at least one end. I can’t wait around. I can’t keep trying to prove myself and my worth. I can’t keep flinging myself in front of you. It feels like walking into a brick wall repeatedly and than asking why I’m hurt. If it was anyone else I would’ve dropped you in a minute but because i love you im dumb. I’m trying when I shouldnt. I’m jealous when I shouldnt be. I’m annoyed when I shouldnt be. I love when I shouldnt. There’s so much wrong with all of this and none of it has to do with me, which is a problem in itself. I constantly are asking myself what I’m doing wrong because you never even glance in my direction but it’s because you don’t want to. It’s because you’ll never want to. It’s because I’m not worthy of it to you. You’re to special for yourself for a common person. I’m not worth the effort. That’s fine I won’t try anymore, I won’t do whatever I’ve been doing. We’ll see what you decide but don’t keep dragging me around because you’re unsure. I’m literally everything you’re looking for but you’re to guarded, you’re to hiden, you’re to....should I even say.... afraid. Maybe, maybe not, but I cannot wait and I won’t make you choose. I’ll just remove myself and let you see. Maybe I’m the one blocking the door. Maybe I’m the one whose to invested... who am I kidding I’m way invested unfortunately. I’m sorry i care so much. Im sorry im trying so hard. I’m over it. You’re not okay with this From what you’ve shown me... so i will pull back. I’m okay.... i guess... I’m done... for you, for me, for us. At least until you’re ready. And that may never come. It’s okay. I was never here to change you and im still not. You’re perfect the way you are, unfortunately who you are has no room for all the love I want to give and what i want to receive. I just want simple love amd this seems like anything but. You’re such a complex and amazing person and I’m so not interesting. I’m not interesting enough to hold your attention. Got it. I’m not interesting enough to keep you happy. Got it. I’m not interesting enough to be in your spotlight. Got it. I’m not interesting enough to hold your gaze or have you hold me. I’m like a child looking for a hug in a garden of roses with thorns. I’m not like everyone else you’ve met and that’s my biggest down fall and my biggest strength. My phone feels so heavy as I type... why? Because it’s exactly what I’ve been thinking, exactly what I’ve been feeling, exactly everything. Everything that feels right to say. And I feel stupid and crazy and dumb and vulnerable and hurt and untrusting and invisible. If I disappeared would you care? Because it seems like you wouldn’t but you’re full of surprises so i never know. Maybe I’m the one whose scared, but all I want to do is have you cuddle me into comfort. But I’m not interesting enough; I’m not pretty enough; I’m not enough of anything for you... but instead I’m enough for me and thats.... enough.