#almostfired

Being on tumblr at work is a high risk but high payout job :o

It was like a scene straight from the movies-- the mouth moving closer to you and everything in the background is bokeh and white noise. The only thing you hear are the words spewing from his mouth, ringing your ears, letting you bow your head to just listen and take it all in. 

 "Why are you not talking? Are you gonna let me speak all these time? You did not even contribute to the whole discussion. You were writing notes all the time. I want you to speak, to engage. You are not a research assistant. You are the leader. You'd have to step up because we're not going anywhere with this kind of pace." 

 Once. Twice. Many more times. The questions started one by one and then on a barrage. I could have responded but I chose not to. I cannot find my voice. I did not look for my voice. Again, I allowed another person take over, speak and string words and sentences to make sense. I was close to tears that afternoon. I was about to lose my job, I could feel it. One wrong response and I could have felt a hot trickle down my cheek. 

At one point, I was ready to give up. I actually gave myself that week to just throw in the towel and leave. Nevermind that I wouldn't have a job in the next months. I thought about the semi humiliation and the courage even to face them again and work. But I decided against it. 

After crying myself out for sometime inside the restroom cubicle, I realized I needed the reprimand, a wake-up call. I needed someone to tell me I was messing up by coasting thru just about everything. I felt uninspired, un-motivated and deflated, and I needed someone to just pour it all on me. It was more than a pat, it was quite a knockout. 

I was almost fired and I should do something to earn my place. So I'm holding on and gradually trying to learn, re-learn and unlearn the many things I would be needing to prove my worth.