#allthingsrandom

Caption it . . #captionit #allthingsrandom #inspiroindia #red #yellow #aesthetic #vsco #mood #lockdown #color #frame #artmagazine (at Some Where on Earth) https://www.instagram.com/p/CCI_OlBl9J6/?igshid=147yhuasmhaue

In trying to find you, I lost myself.

I can't stop over analyzing these words. We were being playful and you emphasized the humor behind them, but I know you were serious. And i'm completely blown away by it. I don't know how to react, because it can mean several things. The meaning might just be the literal. Or it might not. But this is the first break through we've had in a while. I have basked in the infinite memories we've shared time and time again, and the fact that this is the first time you've actually brought up such a heavy conversation is overwhelming me beyond my control. I haven't pin pointed what exactly you were/are talking about but I have a feeling I kinda know. No matter how farfetched the idea seems, I can't help but to think that for you to make that decision when I myself have no clue, means that you had to have taken your time to notice it and that-that just made my night. Even if you can't quite explain your theory lol. I don't know if this means you're "ready" too, but I think you're finally starting to open up to me and I can't thank you enough for that. You just gave me that re-assurance I didn't know was much needed (:

You can wear a smile on your face and be genuinely happy all day, but at night when you're left alone with your thoughts, E V E R Y T H I N G changes.! And it's scary, because all of the doubts or memories that you've ever surpressed come flying out like a box that's been overpacked. I feel great by day and like shit by night. Ughh. It's like no matter what I do, I can't stay happy, not for long anyways. I'm sooo tired of this vicious cycle.! I'm done, I fuckin' WISH I didn't care so M U C H about everybody else's feelings. I have put 110% into every social relationship I have ever had and each time I got fucked over. I dunno why I always try to see it from the other person's view and understand their side of the story when they never even consider doing the same. I'm aggravated and overwhelmed with all this resentment and guilt. I'm so T I R E D and drained, physically, mentally, emotionally. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE A HEARTLESS ASSHOLE.!? It would make things so much easier. But I know I still wouldn't be happy. I wouldn't be myself, i'd be an alter ego of sorts, nothing but a reflection of all the bad in me, shielded by a bulletproof barrier. I'd never left myself act on that side alone. I'm too nice, I have so much love to give, I would go to the ends of the Earth for anybody that I held close to my heart, if I consider you my friend, you're automatically like family and I take the role of being there for you; a shoulder to cry on and an open ear. And no matter how much pain that's brought me, I absolutely L O V E that about myself. I really do, that's what gives me hope, and I won't let bullshit fuck with that. I just need to be stronger and hold my ground. Whatever it takes to be able to get some rest once in a while.

2 hour drive with thee nigguh Cindy.! Went by really quick and nuthin' like singing along to Britney Spears, NSYNC, and Backstreet Boys to make a road trip even better.! ;D.

I'm completely alone; making no movements, no sounds.”