#allienisolation

Alien Isolation -  The Sevastopol

Well, what can I say? The description for this delight says it’s a survival horror game. More like let’s see how high your blood pressure can go simulator. You as the protagonist Amanda Ripley, board the Sevastopol set out to find the flight recorder from the Nostromo. (So she can find mummy dearest.) But as soon as you’re on board things don’t seem to go to plan… The place is decommissioned and deserted, the remaining human population seem to only look out for themselves or waive their gun and aimlessly shot at people they don’t know. Personally I’ve never played this because I already suffer from high blood pressure and I don’t need it going any higher. However I watched my partner play this and my god I could feel my blood pressure spiking. Not only is this place creepy as hell. But to make matters worse you have the delightful Xenomorph stalking you ever moment you get. I’m glad we don’t have a Xbox Kinect because I later found out that if we did, any noise made would attract the Alien and we would be treated to a wonderful array of different death animations. But Sovereign I hear you say. What about the Synthetics? Those glowy eyed motherfuckers can go to hell alongside the Xenomorph. “You are becoming hysterical.” Am I bollocks! All you seem to do is scare the living daylights out of me and make me decide that crouching is going to be my new favourite past-time activity… Moving on! 

Resident Evil Biohazard - The Baker House 

Now this one I am proud to say I am fully qualified to judge this as played a grand total of 10 minutes in VR might I add! So we play as Ethan Winters he gets a suspicious video email from presumed missing wife Mia. I mean come on man, she’s been missing for 3 years move on for Christ sake. But no gullible Ethan goes to said location. Another run down house with an unkempt garden. Gates are locked, any normal person would accept there loses and can’t get any further best thing to do, do a u turn out of there. But remember folks this is a video so what do? Trespass and carry on going into this swamp infested hell-hole. But what’s that in the distance? A creepy-ass figure just having a mooch along, do we call out to them, apologise for being on their land or ask for their help? Nah… After rummaging through an out-house we see a hand bag. Plot twist it’s got Mia’s driving license. Now if it were me I’d call the police. But alas we continue. After getting knocked out but the man of the house. Experiencing the dinner party from hell. Finding Mia and trying to es-cape out of there. I’m thinking this bitch has developed problems over the past 3 years, but I hear you say people can change. Not to the fucking point where she takes multiple bullets to the face and attacks us with a frickin chainsaw and we lose our hand. But in video game logic we staple the fucker back on. In my mind, Ethan divorce this bitch and move on with your life you could do so much better! Oh also Jack Baker has no regard for any structural integrity. Next!

Mount Massive Asylum - Outlast

I mean come on what was I thinking when I bought this one at the young naïve age of 17? Ok Red Barrels what on earth where you thinking ok? Survival Horror Game? More like have your pants yanked down having a stiffy shoved up your arse at every beck and call. Miles Upshaw bless his poor soul tasked to investigate the Murkoff Corporation. He gets his camcorder and wanders in the courtyard. Seeing a shadow he scribbles down something in this notebook. Scribble in your notebook? Mate I’d throw it to the ground and leg it out of there. But no this dumb-ass does a bit of parkour and hops in through a window. Again with the trespassing. Must be a thing. Tensions arise as the lights go out, so night-vison mode activated on the camcorder. Continuing to wander aimlessly through this nightmare, squeezing pass furniture. When I attempted to play as soon as I saw the brain-dead patients staring at static I knew I was in for 6 months of sleepless nights. Creeping past these lot, you press on, opening doors having a Charles Xavier wannabe leap out of his wheelchair utters pure nonsense. Being tempted to slap this bitch a few times but instead you just yeet this guy like he’s nothing. But two events that take the biscuit, the poor soul ready for a spit-roasting as his is impaled on a pole. Oh and being thrown of a balcony pretty sure through a window if memory serves me right, and passing out and having the pedo-looking priest saying I’ve been sent by God and that I’m an apostle. Outlast I think not.