#algen4

The memories played back like a movie in his head. Everything he had spent years remembering with a hole in his chest. He was back there again, 25 years younger, unable to grow facial hair with a tight shaven head. 

“I went to BBU to study business. That’s where I met your mom. She was an education major with a concentration in early childhood development, wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. We met at a party. I guess she caught me staring because she walked straight over, looked me dead in the eye and told me she couldn't help but notice me looking at her friend. She then proceeded to tell me her friend wasn’t into guys and even if she was, I wasn’t her type. 

“Oh yeah,” I remembered telling her, “And how would you know what her type was?” 

“Well, it’s the exact opposite of mine, and you are just my type.” She told me. 

“You’re very blunt.” I joked. 

“I know what I like.” Her red lips perked into a smile. “So, are you going to keep staring at my friend, or do you want to get me a drink?” 

I looked across the room at her friend. She pretended not to watch and turned her attention to some frat boy nearby. “Just so you know,” I leaned down to her, my voice low, “I wasn’t staring at her.”” 

______

“We dated the for last year of college, and when we graduated, we moved in with each other in a little shack on the bayfront. It wasn’t much, but it was a house, so we couldn’t complain. It was the first time either of us had ever been “in love,” and neither of us really knew what that meant. We were young and dumb. Really really dumb. Like, so dumb that I would ground you for life if you did half of the shit we did. 

Then, at some point, I proposed. We were married the next spring at some vineyard her dad loved. 

And everything was always so good and bright. I, I thought it would be like that forever.” 

He stopped for a moment to collect himself. He knew where this story went. He could see it all before him in vivid flashes. 

“Then, summer turned to fall and as the leaves fell so did our good fortune.” He looked away from Mathias, his throat starting to burn, “She was diagnosed with Stage three pancreatic cancer. She was eight months pregnant with you at the time and thought about waiting to deliver to make sure you were healthy enough to survive, but I talked her out of it. I didn’t want to raise a kid without her and we both knew how bad she already was. You were born a few days later 7 pounds 8-ounce little boy with her eyes and my nose. 

She started treatment in what seemed like no time. We basically lived in the hospital for months.” 

_____

“You were a momma’s boy from the start. You, well, you didn’t really seem to like me. You would scream until Evelyn held you. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get you to stop crying. 

It was like you knew. Only a few months old, you could barely hold your head up, but you knew. You weren’t even there when it happened. You were off with your grandpa that weekend. I didn’t want you there. You weren’t old enough to remember it but, I couldn’t stand the idea of you seeing it.” 

He watched as Mathias fought away tears the same way he had. Atticus didn’t know if he could cry anymore. “As soon as I got back from the hospital that night and picked you up, though, I never thought you’d stop crying. Hell, I never thought I’d stop crying. They gave me time off at work, but I never came back. I sold the small shack on the bayfront and packed everything up. Not but a month after the funeral, we were here."

______ 

“I took you back every so often to see your grandpa, but, he passed not long after Evelyn from heart failure.  So we stopped going back. There was nothing left for us there.” 

“I bought the cafe soon after, and a house after that. We started a new life away from everything bad. I wanted… I wanted to pretend none of it ever happened. Move on. Be a good dad to you. Give you a happy life. Be happy myself. And at some point, I finally did.” 

He thought back to the day Lincoln walked into the cafe. Young, reckless, and firey danger in his eyes. Atticus didn’t know when his happiness came back, but he knew it happened sometime around then. It all felt meant to be. Felt worth it. 

“I never thought about how it affected you. I told myself you were too young to remember it, so as I moved on, I stopped talking about it. I didn’t think you’d care. I didn’t think you’d want to know. I don’t know why. Maybe... maybe I was just too scared to talk about it at all.” 

He looked at Mathias’s tear stricken face and ran a thumb under his watery eyes, “I’m sorry if I hurt you throughout the last few years. I didn’t mean to.” 

The airport was more crowded than Mathias would’ve expected. Of course, he didn’t have many expectations for what the airport would seem like since he had never been near one in his life. For the almost nineteen years he had been alive, he had not once been on a plane of any type. The mere idea of being suspended in the air left him with a tight ball in his stomach. However, his only other option was a day and a half long train ride across the country and he knew he really did not want to take that route. 

Still, the black pit in his stomach would not go away. It lingered, just below his ribs, and stole the air from his lungs with every breath he took. 

Del Sol was fair. Extremely far. And college, well college scared the shit out of him more than he would admit to his parents. 

“You know, you don’t have to go, it’s not too late to change your mind.” Atticus's voice rang out from beside him so clear among the chatter of strangers.

Mathias rolled his eyes, “I’m going, Dad.” 

Halfway through his application process to Windenburg Community College, another letter came for Mathias. Somehow, someway, Mathias was offered a spot in Del Sol Military Institute. He didn’t really believe it. He convinced himself the college had a mix-up, that the letter should have gone to another Mathias Baron. Regardless, the next month he sat in the car on the way to the airport with a new suitcase and a ticket straight to Del Sol. 

______

“So, I was thinking, since you’re leaving, I can have your room right?” Arden asked. 

“No,” Mathias looked at his sibling incredulously, “why do you want my room?” 

Arden rolled their eyes, “You have a walk-in closet. I already have it mapped out.” 

“Were the clothes I left not enough?” Mathias looked Arden up and down from combat books to shaved head. While he packed Arden showed interest into some of his older clothes, they had recently fallen into a grunge phase that could have made Lincoln’s heart stop, Mathias let them wear them while he was at school, expecting to get them back in the winter when he returned. 

“It’s not like you gave them to me for me to keep.” 

“You’re not getting my room, shithead.” 

Arden stuck out their tongue, “Dick.” They smiled. 

________

“I’ll be back in, like, four months,” Mathias said to his youngest of siblings. 

“That’s literally forever,” Albie said. Albie didn’t understand why her brother had to leave to go to college and didn’t seem to happy that he was. 

She pulled him into a close hug, little arms wrapped tight around his neck “Stop,”, Mathias squirmed. “You’re worse than dad.” 

______

“Safe sex, Mathias, I know you’re Dad is an old man, but I am too young for grandkids,” Lincoln said as he hugged Mathias. 

“You’re disgusting,” Mathias said with a smile. 

“I’m not kidding,” he laughed into Mathias’s shoulder.

“Condoms, yes, I took sex ed.” Mathias rolled his eyes. 

“And if you need to come home, although, not preferred since we have already spent a small fortune on this place, you can.” Lincoln smiled, “We love you, Math, okay?” 

Mathias looked to the floor in the attempt to hide the smile that crept onto his face, “okay,” he started, “Love you guys too.” 

“Hey, mom… it’s me, again.” Mathias sighed into the empty darkness surrounding him and pulled a knee into his chest, “Vera’s dad got the job which means she leaving and I don’t think I will. I wish I could say I handled the situation well, but, I don’t really know if I even have a girlfriend anymore.” He was quiet for a moment, taking in his thoughts as they came to him. He listened to the sound of footsteps in the hall and the shower turn on with a squeak of the pipes. “I really hoped this time that maybe it would work out? I don’t know. I don’t even know why I thought this would be a good idea. Why I thought it would work.” 

He laid back, his hand going instinctively to the curly mess on top of his head. He remembered once when he was young how he had been told he had gotten his hair from his mom. He always caught himself wondering what else. His eyes maybe? He hadn’t gotten his dad’s eyes. As a kid, people told him how much he looked like his dad, but he convinced himself that’s only because they hadn’t met him mom, and if they had, they probably forgot the way she looked. 

Did his dad still remember? Could he pick her face out of a lineup? Mathias was skeptical. Atticus hadn’t spoken of her in so long, Mathias could barely recall the stories he had been told. “I hoped that for once something would go my way and it would be this big moment of ‘oh, that’s what I’m meant to do.’ but I guess ‘learning to live in a blended family and fearing for risk of hereditary disease.’ isn’t a great ‘what have been struggles that have taught you something in life’ essay answers.” He bit his lip and closed his eyes. “I don’t know what to do, Mom.” Warm tears rolled down his cheeks before he could stop them. His throat felt hot and constricted as he fought the tears streaming down his face.  

Arden opened the door to the quiet house and felt the familiar warmth of home hit them. Their body felt heavy as they stumbled inside. At some point between midtown and home their tears had faded and left behind only a shameful burn on their face and their heart heavy with sadness. 

They wanted their Dad. 

They followed the soft yellow light shining from down the hall with heavy steps, “Dad?” They asked. 

Lincoln looked up from his phone with confused eyes when he heard a voice, “Hey?” He questioned, surprised to see Arden in the doorway. “You were supposed to text me when you were ready for me to get you. How did you get home?” 

Arden’s breath hitched as their body started to shake. They tried to fight back the tears in their throat, but regardless, the fell down their cheeks like a waterfall. 

Lincoln felt Atticus’s stare burn into him without needed to turn. “Hey,” He started, his eyes wide, “Wow, wow, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“Why didn’t she stay?” Arden's voice was thick with tears, “Was I really that awful?” 

“What?” Lincoln said. He felt his heart break, shatter into pieces and lodge itself in his chest as he stared. “Arden, no. Not at all.” He felt the bed shift under his weight as Atticus stood and wrapped his arms around Arden. Atticus led Arden to the bed and sat them down beside Lincoln. “Baby, you didn’t do anything. You were perfect.” Lincoln continued. 

Arden looked up at Lincoln with piercing blue eyes and furrowed brows. “Then why didn’t she love me? She left us, Dad.” 

Atticus jutted out his bottom lip and sat an arm around Arden’s shoulder and pulling them in. He looked across Arden’s head at Lincoln who looked seconds away from breaking. He could tell Lincoln was holding it together by the skin of his teeth. 

“I-” Lincoln started, “I wish I knew.” His voice caught in his throat as he tried to force the words out. Kalah was a distant memory to him now, a ghost of the past who no longer haunted him in the darkness of the night, and he wished he could say the same for Arden. 

Mathias heard Aaron behind him call out his name, but the sound was distant. Everything was distant. Everything was distant and red. The shades of blood and anger. The whole world miles away, dark and fuzzy, and no one could stop him while he threw punches into the other boy’s face. 

He thought he was winning, but he couldn’t be for sure. With every punch he landed, Victor would hit him back, but he couldn’t feel anything but the numb burn of rage until his skin. It clawed at him. Tried to force itself out of his mouth with every gasping breath. 

He felt a crack under his knuckles with a hit to Victor’s nose and his hand was slicked with a thick liquid, but he had gone blind. He couldn’t tell the difference between up and down, much less spit and blood. 

Then he was ripped up to his feet. Pulled straight from the air like the sun had plucked him up and dangled him high above the ground. He thrashed. He kicked and punched and screamed to be realized, but his captor wasn’t letting up. 

His vision came back in a haze. Blurry eyes caught the slight of Vera with a snare and high brows holding back a smug Victor. Blood poured from his nose in pools, leaving his whole face with a red afterglow. Victor put up his middle finger and smiled as Mathias punched the air a few more times, still trying to get in one more hit. 

“Foods on the counter,” Atticus said as Arden made their way through the dining-room door. 

“I’m not hungry,” Arden said, a smile wide across their face. The finely folded paper crinkled in their back pocket as they sat down across from Mathias whose face branded a deep frown and cold eyes. 

“If Arden’s not eating I'm not eating,” Albie called out defiantly from Arden’s side. 

“You’re both eating,” Lincoln pointed a fork between Albie and Arden, he rolled his eyes “Go get your plate.” 

“No, wait Dad, we have news,” Arden started. 

“Arden,” Lincoln sighed not in the mood to argue. 

Arden pulled the paper from their pocket and unfolded it with a dramatic flair, as Lincoln and Atticus looked on with annoyed glares. “Would you like to tell them, bro, or should I?” 

Mathias's eyes grew in horror as he realized what Arden held between their fingers, “give me that.” 

Arden smirked with narrowed eyes, “Dear Mathias Baron,” they started, “I am writing on behalf of the-” 

“Arden.” Mathias’s face flushed red. He clenched his jaw. 

Arden didn't skip a beat, “Del Sol Military Institute Admissions Committee to inform you we are unable to offer you a spot in the next years entering class.” 

Atticus’s head whipped to Mathias as the words fell out of Arden's mouth. “Wha-”

“However,  we would like to offer you a spot on the waiting list-” 

Mathias reached across the table with quick hands and ripped the paper from Arden’s grip, “You had no fucking right,” he began, finger pointed in Arden’s chest. 

Arden’s face dropped. Their laughed died to silence as Mathias spoke wide-eyed and enraged. 

“Mathias!” Lincoln yelled out.