#alexjournal

I think it’s funny how irrational uncertainty can be. Since joining the Priory I have delved into the foul, haunted depths of Tyria’s ruins, I’ve been kidnapped and tortured and lived to tell about it. For a year I fought in Orr against the horrifying, nightmarish minions of Zhaitan and I witnessed the horrors that Mordremoth wrought. Yet, despite all of this, the thought of being a mother, of having a child who’s life depends completely on me makes me feel more helpless than some of the recruits I’ve served and fought next to over the years.

Even with that in mind, whenever Amelia is around, all of that disappears and is replaced by a happy wonderment. I wonder what happens to all that uncertainty and apprehension when I’m helping take care of our beautiful niece, or even just watching Mirex and Adriwyn with her. Six willing, our own children will make me feel the same way so that I can be the best mother possible, the one that any child deserves.

Who would have thought that I would be looking forward to having a child in my life? Even a year ago, it was still a thought that terrified me and would have sent me running if it were anything more than a speculative discussion. I’ve been told several times recently that with age comes wisdom and that our desires change. Only then do I realize that I’m nearly thirty years old, something I still find really difficult to believe.

Regardless, to future generations I simply say, try to have an open mind where you can, and be willing to entertain new possibilities. If you are too stubborn or scared to do that, you may miss out on the best things life has to offer you.

It’s strange how life works out sometimes. As a child you hear these tales of heroes and protagonists whose lives fall apart around them, and they somehow rally up some deep, buried strength to carry them through the hard times. Personally, I think stories like that are loads of shit. Too many times I’ve had my life completely shaken and it wasn’t some phenomenal inner strength that saw me through those times, it was the love and support of the people around me that gave me the strength I needed to carry on.

I am blessed by the Six, or the Spirits of the Wild, or whatever you want to claim blesses us. Mirex and Adriwyn have been the most amazing women through all of this; loving, supportive, and sources of comfort that I desperately need right now. They’ve helped me try to examine my situation from different perspectives, and even though it doesn’t change the outcome I see, at least I considered different views.

Thankfully, at least one good thing has come out of all of this. I was finally able to tell Mirex I was sorry for breaking her heart, for leaving her because I couldn’t give her what she wanted more than anything. But now… what she wants and what I want are similar, and I find myself wanting to be there for her and with her. I’ve still got too much to sort out with the rest of my life before I can think about saying anything of the sort to her. It’s funny though, two years ago we split up, and now I find myself back with her, at least in a way.

Two years ago, just thinking about that time brings a smile to my face. I remember the impromptu vacation we took to the Festival of the Four Winds. You wouldn’t have been able to tell that Mirex was any older than I was the way her face lit up as we wandered and took in all the sights. I remember the armband I gave her, the look of shock and wonder on her face when I gave it to her. It was then… I had considered proposing to her then. I wonder how things would have turned out if I had. But then I think that without everything that’s happened in my life between then and now it wouldn’t have worked out.

You can’t change the past, and so there’s no sense in dwelling on it too much. All I can do is focus on the future, and get my life in order. Things will work out the way they work out.

Dear Gods, what in the world is wrong with me? There is no other explanation than something being wrong with me. I am married, happily, so there’s no reason that I should be having these feelings about another woman. But, even as I sit here, seeing these words on the page telling me that this isn’t right, I still can’t get the thoughts of her out of my mind.

Maybe it’s just as simple as I miss how things used to be? Since we got married, the world seems to have been in a constant state of upheaval and not only has it kept Minthe and I on the move for almost a year now, but a lot of things have really affected her. I understand that she has to sort these things out; finding out your entire race was supposed to be the minions of a Dragon isn’t something you get over easily or quickly. But… with that time comes distance and I don’t know how to really say it without coming across as a needy bitch, but… I have needs. Without the attention and enthusiasm that was once there, maybe I’m just trying to fulfill that need?

Or maybe it’s just the fact that it’s been almost a year since I’ve seen another woman aside from Minthe naked? Not only that, but another Human woman, one who is so similar to me in build that… well, she said something to me yesterday that made my mind race even more. She said: “Looking at you, I think I finally think I see what people have seen when looking at me”. She couldn’t have been more right; I hated most people calling me cute, but was even more confused by the women that were so obviously attracted to me. But after yesterday, I get it, and my mind won’t stop dwelling on thoughts of her.

Try as I might, as many times as I tell myself that I did the right thing, I can feel my throat tighten at the thought of tasting her lips. My chest tightens up if I think of what it would have felt like to have her fingers caressing my skin, or feeling her breath on any part of my body. Even as I think these thoughts I don’t feel ashamed. Scared, confused, aroused, yes; but not ashamed, and shouldn’t I? Maybe this is why all of my past relationships save for Rebekkah and Mirex were based solely around sex and companionship without worries of the future?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I know I need to figure it out soon. I can’t afford to go into battle with so many thoughts keeping me from focusing, with my body figuratively pulling itself towards two different people. It shouldn’t be like this, Minthe and I have always said we were comfortable bringing a third woman to bed with us, and that’s not the issue. The issue is that part of me wants both of them to myself, separately. That’s what’s not right, that’s what makes me think something is wrong with me.

I know I have to be honest with Minthe, that much is certain. Maybe I’ll just show her this and pray that she doesn’t hate me. Not that I don’t deserve it to some degree…

I’ve always been irrational, irresponsible, and reckless; at least when it comes to me. Being raised by two Shining Blade, I learned the importance of self-respect and self-defense. But, being trained by them so young, the lessons of not showing weakness was always misinterpreted by my young mind as something to practice in life, not just combat.

Growing up, I fought to make the world believe that I wasn’t fazed by the chaos thrown at me by life. To make them know that I knew what I wanted and that anything else wasn’t acceptable. Looking back on it now, I wonder if my family hadn’t pushed the responsibilities of marrying a nobleman and popping out babies on me would have changed my outlook on men.

I’m not like Renita when it comes to these fears and concerns though, I don’t dwell on them, I know that nothing can come of them. But after all these years, all the things I’ve been through, hiding so much of who I am, now that I’ve found someone who knows all those things, I find my mind wandering to these things more and more.

Having always prided myself on being gloriously independent, I find it amusing that I could suddenly become so submissive to someone. Not only did I do it easily, but I’m happier. Sure, I’m still a hotheaded fire Elementalist with a tendency to throw fireballs first, ask questions later, but so many other things have changed.

Where I once would have run off without a second thought to the person who I shared a bed, a house, or love with; I couldn’t think of doing that with Minthe. If she told me no, I wouldn’t argue unless it seemed ridiculously out of character or completely foolish; a year ago I’d have argued with the Gods that the sky was blue on most days…

The most important thing though, I find that I’m not rushing off into a dangerous situation without planning anymore. Now that Minthe knows… now that she is aware of something I so long held to be a source of shame, I don’t have to anymore. Not only has she fully accepted me for who and what I am, but she’s found a certain amount of joy and entertainment in providing alleviation for said need.

Alexandria finishes writing letters to Maeve Collins, Fellana Therin, and Alraune Velara. Folding them all into her customary paper birds, she enchanted them all with air magic. Opening the window near the desk, all three took flight, heading to their respective destinations. She sat down and wrote the next letter, this one to Renita Cartwright.

Renita,

How are you doing? I know you’ve had that new medicine for a couple of days now, I’m hoping you’ve been able to get at least some rest. Anyway, I was hoping to get the chance to talk to you in the near future, I need some advice and well, friends are the best people to get it from.

Also, keep an eye out for any movements from Baldy. I won’t go into details here, but I found out why we haven’t seen or heard from him in a while.

Love, Alexandria

Folding that letter as well, she sent it flying before returning her attention to her journal.

I’ve always wanted to find someone to spend my life with. I might not be the cliché little noble girl, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get married and be happy. That being said, I’ve never really given too much thought to children. Not because I don’t like them, but even I know that two women can’t make a child together. Also, the idea of me getting pregnant is terrifying; I don’t think I could handle it.

But Mirex does want children, and I don’t want to spend my life without her. If she wants a child, then I am willing to do what I can to help her raise it, even if that means that I have to spend more time in the city and less time in the field. It’s the fact that she wants a child of her own body that is making this hard for me. I know it’s petty, but the idea of her being with someone else even just once, I feel like someone is stepping on my chest.

So I’m doing the only thing I can, asking for advice from people who can look at this more objectively.

Speaking of children. I’ve finally found out why no one has seen or heard from the Marquis in months. I was in the Upper Gardens last night and stumbled upon a young woman, no older than twelve years. At first I just thought she was your average, naïve young girl, but the way she spoke quickly shattered that notion.

It turns out that she is the daughter of the Marquis of Istan himself. I’m uncertain of what to do about her though. On one hand, she is the daughter of a demon and possibly a Human, something that is not only forbidden but almost unheard of. On the other, she doesn’t seem to possess the overwhelming destructive nature of most demons. Rather, she genuinely seemed to have emotions, to care for her mother, and to want to learn about the world around her.

I’ve already prepared a letter for Whitney and the Zaishen Order, but I’m not going to send it yet. Something tells me I should wait and see how things progress.

Sex is the secret to my success.

I don’t mean that I’ve slept my way to where I am in life, that I’ve traded sex for certain favors, or anything like that. In fact, I’ve only slept with a handful of women.

What I mean by it’s the secret to my success, is that it is the single greatest way to gauge anyone you’re talking to. Simply by bringing up the subject, you can immediately lower the guard of most people, making it easier to get the truth out of them.

Now, before I write anything else, I would like to say, I love sex. Just going to put that out there so that we’re clear. The sensation, the intimacy, the adrenaline, every part of it is just amazing, especially if you have the right partner.

It’s a trickier process to use on men, especially as a woman. The minute you mention sex, they get these stupid grins on their faces, or looks in their eyes. From then on, all they are thinking is, “when am I going to get this woman home and in bed?” Sadly, as useful as it is for lowering their guard, it also makes them dumber, and half the time, twice as dense.

Women on the other hand, at least as another woman, are far different. There are three standard responses: “The blushing maiden,” “The I’m not a lesbian,” and “The I’ve had more sex than you.” The first and third responses of course make women more open in very different ways.

The shy women, who blush at the simplest of innuendos, quickly are willing to discuss just about anything else as long as you stop talking about sex.

The bragging woman of course is self-explanatory. Though you will have to endure her list of conquests, you’ve turned on her sense of competition, thus making it more likely for her to proclaim things that she probably shouldn’t.

But, like any process, the defensive women can ruin your plans as they are very likely to walk away, or simply ignore you outright.