🦇✨ 11: Serena Stark's Completely Unqualified Guide to the Batfamily ✨🦇
(AKA: Gotham's Most Emotionally Constipated Vigilantes)
They are a collection of sleep-deprived weirdos, former child soldiers, traumatized acrobats, genius detectives, and one billionaire who keeps finding emotionally damaged children and going, "Yes. This one is mine now."
Bruce Wayne: The World's Most Expensive Adoption Agency
Bruce Wayne is what happens when you give a man unlimited money, unresolved grief, and access to military-grade technology.
You know how my dad deals with emotional problems by talking too much? Bruce deals with emotional problems by saying absolutely nothing and staring dramatically into the distance. He adopts children the way normal people adopt cats.
Dick Grayson: Proof That Miracles Exist
You know that one person who somehow makes everyone feel better just by existing? That's Dick. And frankly, it's suspicious.
This man grew up in Gotham. GOTHAM. Yet somehow he came out of it emotionally functional. I don't know how. Bruce certainly doesn't know how. Scientists probably don't know how.
Imagine Peter Parker if he did more backflips and adopted every sad person he met.
Elizabeth Wayne: My Partner in Crime Not actual crime. Usually.
Now we have Elizabeth, Or, as I like to call her, batsy
You know that friend who's smart enough to stop you from doing something stupid but instead goes, "Wait, let me grab popcorn first"?
The two of us together are an active threat to peace and quiet. If we're laughing, somebody should probably be concerned. If we're whispering, somebody should definitely be concerned.
Jason Todd: The Human Equivalent of a Warning Label
Jason Todd is one of those people who looks intimidating because he is intimidating. The man radiates "I dare you" energy twenty-four hours a day.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Serena, should I be scared of him?" The answer is yes. But also no. Jason is basically a very angry stray cat. Then somebody threatens someone he loves and suddenly he's prepared to fight an entire army.
Alexis Wayne: The Art of Pretending You're Fine
Alexis falls somewhere between Jason's "punch first" energy and Dick's "let's talk about our feelings" energy.
She'll act calm. Collected. Totally unaffected. And then proceed to do something that proves she absolutely inherited the Wayne tendency to bottle emotions until they become somebody else's problem.
Tim Drake: Coffee's Strongest Soldier
Tim Drake figured out Batman and Nightwing's identities because he recognized a flip. If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about Tim, nothing will.
I'm not even convinced he sleeps. I think he just powers down occasionally like a laptop. Tim's brain moves at approximately a thousand miles per hour and somehow still finds room to overthink everything.
Which is honestly impressive. And mildly concerning.
Barbara Gordon: The Adult in the Room
Every family needs someone who actually knows what they're doing. For the Batfamily, that's Barbara. So she's basically my mom but in the batfam.
Everybody loves talking about the vigilantes doing flips off rooftops and punching criminals. Meanwhile Barbara is in the background keeping the entire operation from collapsing.
She's smart, capable, and somehow manages to deal with all these people without throwing a chair through a window.
Stephanie Brown: Professional Chaos Merchant
Stephanie has one of my favorite personality types. The personality type being: "Well, this situation is already a disaster, so let's see what happens."
Steph has this incredible ability to walk into a situation and immediately make it ten times louder. She's the kind of person who'll crack a joke in the middle of a crisis, annoy everyone in a ten-mile radius, and somehow still end up being right.
A lot of people underestimate Stephanie, which is wild considering her entire life is basically one long story of proving people wrong.
Cassandra Cain: The Nicest Nightmare You'll Ever Meet
Cass is proof that appearances are deceiving. Because she's genuinely sweet. Like, ridiculously sweet. The kind of person who makes you feel comfortable immediately.
Then you remember she was trained by assassins and could probably defeat most people before they finished introducing themselves.
I respect her immensely. And fear her a little. As one should.
Duke Thomas: Gotham's Last Hope for Normalcy
Okay, so every family has that one person who looks around at everyone else's nonsense and goes, "You guys do realize this isn't normal, right?"
Now don't get me wrong—he's still a vigilante. He's still running around Gotham fighting crime. His definition of "normal" is already questionable.
But compared to the rest of the family? Duke is practically a functioning member of society.
Damian Wayne: Tiny Menace, Big Opinions
And finally. Damian Wayne.
Or as I personally like to think of him: The only person on Earth capable of making grown adults lose arguments to a middle schooler.
This kid will walk into a room full of highly trained adults and immediately start ranking them based on how disappointed he is in their existence.
He's still a kid. A very stabby kid. A very judgmental kid. A kid who somehow treats every conversation like he's delivering a royal decree.
The Batfamily is weird. Half of them need sleep. The other half need therapy. A few need both.
No matter how much they argue, annoy each other, or pretend they don't care, when one of them needs help? the others show up. That's what makes them family.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm leaving Gotham before Bruce adopts another child and somehow makes this guide outdated.
shoutout to @silvermistymoon for the idea
Tagging: @elizabeth-wayne-official @lexiwayne-official @timothydrake-official @official-dickiebird
