#alaskagreen

Chapter Three ~ Detention

Detention. I should've seen this coming ... Of course you can't pour your juice over people in school, without being punished. But even if I'd thought about the possibility of detention, I'd probably done it anyway. I mean, isn't this just another way of creating my new image? I think it is. So I am going to take the walk of shame with pride all over my face. Because it isn't really the walk of shame, but the walk of fame. Everybody knows me as the girl who poured juice over one of the cool junior guys. Adrian is on the football team and very much respected by pretty much everybody. Except for me now, I guess. Well, at least, that's what people think, and that's good enough for me. Because being a hardcore, fierce bitch puts you in respect, and that's what I need right now. So as I walk down the hallways with a lifted chin and a smile on my face, people started cheering again. Especially the girls. I guess, they don't mind having someone to look out for them, someone to be their voices, even though they like being grabbed and being stared at. I definitely will take advantage of this, anyway.

At detention, I'm pleased to find a familiar face next to others, I know of, but don’t know. Adrian sits on a chair, all the way back in the room, and looks very prickly. Though, I'm not quite shocked seeing him here - rumour has it, that he's the proud student of being sent to detention most times. Well, another reason why, he's perfect, and another reason why, it's perfect, that I have been sent to detention. I smile at him as the arrogant bitch, I'm pretending to be. The arrogant bitch, I might just be. I sit down next to him, and he sighs obviously.

"Isn't it enough, that you humiliate me in front of the whole school? Do I have to sit next to you as well?" He looks grumpy at me, but I just smile.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that. Well, why are you here? Tried to seduce the teacher? Not a good idea, sorry, but they don't like it."

He looks away, and I feel like, it's time to make him want to be friends with me now - otherwise, we'd be enemies, and I certainly don't need that.

"Hey, I'm sorry about the whole juice thing. I owe you one, I guess." I look at him briefly, and he stares at me with confusion.

"What? Don't you hate me?" Is all he says.

"Yeah, well, that doesn't mean I want you as my enemy."

"Please? How old are you ... five?"

"Come on, Adrian, let's be honest with each other. Tell me, you aren't planning your revenge right now."

".. Well, alright then. If you owe me one, then ..." I interrupt.

"Please, don't come up with some dirty, nasty comment. Respect me as a fair player, not just some foolish girl."

"Fair enough. But then, I guess, what you could do, is buy me milkshake after this." Everybody drinks milkshake at the school. It's extremely trendy, apparently. There's this place two blocks away from the school, and everybody hangs out there.

"Sure, I can do that." I shrug my shoulders.

So after detention, me and Adrian Johnson walked down the hallways together, him awkwardly holding his hands in his pockets, trying to come up with something to say, and me trying not to laugh out loud at his humble behaviour.

"Are you always this bad at talking to girls? I mean, when you're not all slimy and disgusting?" I ask him with a glance.

".. What? I'm not .." He says, pushing the doors to the parking space up.

"Yeah, you are." I laugh, and he sighs.

"Well, I guess, yes, I am then."

"Don't be. I'm not really one of those girls. I poured juice over you, remember?"

"Yeah, it's hard to forget." Then both of us laughs.

We walk in silence for a while, though it's not awkward. Not for me, at least, but I can feel Adrian constantly trying to say something. I don't help him on his way, because I don't feel like talking to him right now. It's weird, but I feel like, I'm about to actually sort of like him, and I don't want that. I want to think, he's a disgusting, stupid bastard, who's only good at one thing. Being independent. But I slightly start to wish to be friends with him for other reasons.

At the milkshake place, I buy both of us a "berryshake", and sit down on one of those tall bar chairs facing him. As soon as I sit down, I realize it wasn't a good idea. Now, I can sit and stare him right into his pretty face. Because, he's really, really cute. Dark brown hair, that slightly curls. The eyes a bit lighter copper brown, and the skin a warm, golden colour. And those lips ... Very kissable. No. I look down, and bite myself in the lip. Never ever. I feel a warm hand on mine. I look up at him with surprise, and there we sit, staring at each other with confusion, until he awkwardly removes his hand, and looks down as I do myself. No-one says anything, and I know this is shit. We were suppose to become friends, so I can use him to be independent. Not awkward teenagers, not lovers, not nothing, not enemies. Just friends. I have to say something, before it's too late, but all of a sudden, I can here Queen sing Somebody to Love in my ears, and everybody in the milkshake café starts singing and dancing all around me like in a bad copy of Grease, and I look at him. He's there with his angel eyes, smiling insecurely at me. I forget how to breath, and I look out the window. Out there they are raising there hands towards the blue sky, as Freddie Mecury sings can anybody find me somebody to love, and I feel like, I'm dying.

Find me somebody to love, find me somebody to love. No, stop it, this is so stupid. Find me somebody to love, find me somebody to love. Urgh, please. Somebody, somebody.

Somebody to love.

This is the story of how I die. I'm dead. This chapter shouldn't be called Detention, but The End. Because, guys, it ends here. I can't do this, if I have to go through this everytime, I see a cute guy. This is awful! How does girls cope with this? And then so willingly! I thought, I was strong enough to become the girl who acts, but right now, I'm not doing anything, but feeling. And I hate it! It has to stop. I'm so done with feelings. I break up, Feelings! It's over. And it's not me, it's you! You're the problem,  you're driving me insane! And we can’t be friends! I thought, that when I look at Adrian, it wouldn't be Somebody to Love playing in my head, but We Will Rock You more likely. Now everything is lost, there's no way back. No, calm the fuck down for a moment, Eleanor. I can still do this. I look at him, and smile daringly, as I've done all day, but now it seems slightly wrong. I try not to think about that, and open my mouth to say the only think, I can think of.

"Wanna make some fun at school?"

And so we use the next couple of hours planning to pull a prank at school. I feel relieved. The songs has left my head, I don't look at him, as he's an angel, and the world isn't spinning a hundred times faster than it should be. But I can't seem to forget his hand on mine, his eyes on me, how my heart kept beating out of time. I need some time to process, I guess. You know, it's all about the process. And now, while I'm walking myself home, I can't help but feeling like, I did a good job.

I'm satisfied with myself.

Hello, just some small background story; Hi there. I’m Alaska, and I’d like to tell you a story of mine … oh well, maybe it’s not quite my story, but whatever - this is me telling it. So yeah, I hope you’ll enjoy it, and maybe you’ll learn something from my writing .. What do I know? Ok, let’s just start .. Here we go, then.

  Prologue ~ Oh so quiet

  The music became an escape for her. That way, she didn’t hear the silence. She could still feel it, but she told herself, she couldn’t. In a way, the silence was so quiet, most times, she didn’t even notice it. No-one really ever does. But it’s still there, lying underneath, and if you are listening closely, you can hear it, like the faraway storm coming closer, whispering at you, letting you know of it’s exsistance, telling you, it’s not over yet. You haven’t won. You can’t win this game, because even when you don’t feel it, when you don’t see it, if you are listening carefully, you can hear it … Or as a matter of fact, you can’t. That’s the point. It’s all so quiet. So … Nothing.

  This is the blinded story of Eleanor Bloomsbury. It’s blinded, because she’s just a girl, and she does not see like you do, or like he does, or like they do. She’s a regular girl in many ways, not particulary special. It’s not like that. But she’s an individual, and everythings isn’t the same for everyone. So when I say, it’s blinded, it’s because, Eleanor only knows, what Eleanor knows. She does not know, how you feel, or how you think. It’s always good to keep that in mind. With that said, you can still learn from Eleanor, and she can learn from you. But anyway, let’s just begin with the beginning. Or, at least the beginning of our story.

  Chapter One ~ The Beginning of a Story

  It’s funny how people can feel so sad, and act like nothing’s wrong. People always babble about how it’s a problem, that no-one sees the troubling, that no-one does anything, when it’s about to go wrong. But isn’t the real problem, that no-one ever dares to show any kind of negative emotion? It’s red-zone to cry, it’s banned to feel bad about something or someone, it’s forbidden to have a bad day, or just don’t feel like it. Well, I don’t feel like it - I don’t feel like pretending, it’s okay, when it’s not. And right now, it’s not okay. I’m tired of pretending, I’m okay. I’ve done it for so long. But still, I don’t do anything about it. I just … feel. I feel a lot. A lot of emotions. A least, I’m not trying to hide them away, I’m just not particulary trying to show them either. I guess, that’s my problem. That I have a lot of ideas of how it should be, but I never really do anything about it.

So right now, I'm looking around, and all I see is a bunch of teenagers pretending, they're okay, when they obviously not. That girl over there, her father is drinking way too much, and he's hitting her, and although she's trying the hide the blemish, I still see it. It's right there - all over her face. And that boy, he's gay, and in love with his best friend, but he haven't told anybody, because his parents would hate him for it. Him, right there, next to the other boy, he's insecure about his body. But none of these say anything to anyone. Because, it's so much easier to keep it inside. And here I am, sitting feeling bad about all of these people feeling bad about something, and pretending it doesn't exsist. But I'm not doing anything either. So why am I so much better than they are? The fact is, I'm not.

  Oh, I forgot to mention - I'm in my schoolyard right now, staring at schoolmates, I know of, and schoolmates, I don't know of. There's about 87% change, that none of them know of me. I'm just a nobody.

  But then again, I feel so wrong, about feeling like a  nobody, because I am somebody. Who, exactly, I'm not sure of. But I am somebody, even if none of these kids know me, or care a single bit about me. I shouldn't depend my feelings about myself on others feelings about me, that's just stupid. But still I kind of do. I never feel able to do, what I feel like.

So, I guess, what I'm trying to say is, that I want to change. I don't want to be that girl, who feel, but don't act. But I'm not sure whether or not, I'd be able to do so. That's not going to hold me back, though. Nothing is. No-one is. It's time to change, after fifteen years on this planet, in this life. It's time to take a stand.