#akilah.character

Bonnie misses Addie greatly, especially in the Wilderness, and I think she was coping poorly with that to begin with, but now even more so. There is no distraction from missing Addie out there, so she actually has to think about it. I think this contributes to her depressive spiral, especially after Jackie dies.

Bonnie has a perpetual Addie-sized hole in her heart, though she won't admit it out loud. I've been toying with the idea of Bonnie being in love with Addie, which I think would work really well for her storyline and, well, everything.

And to touch on "reinventing Addie," Bonnie seeks someone to fill that hole Addie left. When she was in Wiskayok, she could call Addie, talk to her every single night, hear her voice, send her letters, look at photos of her, whatever, but in the Wilderness, she doesn't have that same ability. What if Addie moves on without her? What if Addie forgets about her? Those thoughts are too much for Bonnie to bear.

So Bonnie tries to find a replacement for Addie, though there isn't anyone like that. She looks for someone smart, responsible, caring, kind, maybe a bit shy, but still manages to be outspoken in private, still has a spine, and the person who comes the closest to that is Akilah. This is especially impactful considering that Bonnie and Akilah basically run the garden together, meaning they grow very close very quickly.

And, similarly, Bonnie's parents use Addie as a way to "reinvent Bonnie." Bonnie's parents sent Bonnie away, leading to her being at Wiskayok and being on that damn plane, and they feel immeasurable amounts of guilt for such, so they latch on to the person that is not only closest in age to their daughter, but also knew her best, the person who can best emulate Bonnie, and that person is Addie.

They sort of smother Addie, in a sense, though almost everyone does. Her family worries about her, especially after Bonnie got shipped off, even more so after the plane crash. Everyone around Addie treats her like she's made of glass. And then Bonnie's family begins to try to mold Addie to be like Bonnie.

Addie's feelings about Bonnie are especially complex. Addie really loves Bonnie; she still loves her, to be quite honest, even in death. But also, Addie told Bonnie she needed to be more careful, needed to try to avoid disciplinary action at least somewhat, and Bonnie didn't listen, getting herself sent away.

Addie understands why Bonnie acts the way she does; she understands that drive for justice, but also, she wishes Bonnie could've had the slightest bit of self-preservation, just enough so that she could stay. If she had stayed, she wouldn't have been sent away, she wouldn't have been on that plane, and she wouldn't be dead.

In the Wilderness, Bonnie and Akilah have an odd relationship. Akilah is smart; she can certainly tell Bonnie is projecting something onto her, she just can't quite tell what, since Bonnie is so closed off. But Akilah appreciates Bonnie. Bonnie became one of Lottie's acolytes, even though she doesn't believe in the whole Wilderness thing, so Akilah didn't have to go through that alone.

But also, Bonnie is weird with Akilah, so to speak. It feels like Bonnie is imagining the type of person Akilah is and is almost pressuring her to become that. It makes Akilah uncomfortable, but she can't really do much about that. They work together, and Akilah knows Bonnie won't hurt her, so there are worse things, right? Especially with Shauna playing dictator.

Akilah is torn when Bonnie dies. Bonnie helped her greatly in the gardens, and they grew to be very close, best friends, even, but she's also relieved, in some sense. Bonnie had been getting more and more intense with her in a way she wasn't quite sure she knew how to deal with. Bonnie seemed kind, but out in the Wilderness? Anyone is capable of anything. So her being dead is also kind of a weight off her shoulders.

Or she's at least going to think that way to cope with it. Because Akilah misses Bonnie so fucking much. Even if Bonnie was projecting, there was so much love in that projection that it almost felt real, and Akilah could delude herself into thinking it was real, even if it wasn't. But now Akilah is without her, without that protection Bonnie provided, without anyone who understands what Lottie is putting her through.

She doesn't have love like that in her life anymore, not with both Mari and Bonnie gone. She maybe could've handled one, but both? And so close together? Yeah, there's not a fucking chance of surviving that.

So maybe she throws herself into being an acolyte, maybe she tries her hardest to see them again, and maybe she herself dies to the same caves that took Bonnie.