#aislirn

lmao i LOVE this, exactly what I always wanted :’)

It should happen over their summer alone together at Brideshead, because that’s when they’re happiest, but subconsciously neither man wants to do anything to threaten that happiness so they don’t even let themselves think about how they feel. Instead it happens later, once they’re feeling older than they are and Sebastian has started drinking too much, the world slowly taking its toll on him. 

Their weeks of being watched and controlled by Mr Samgrass at Oxford and Sebastian’s mother at home have made them both glaringly aware of how much they miss each other’s company, despite the fact that Sebastian so willingly isolates himself these days. Of course they’re drunk when it happens, because Sebastian is rarely ever sober now, and on this night Charles is too tired to stop himself from joining his friend. They’re sitting together on the rim of the fountain on the grounds of Brideshead, where they had once shared many happier bottles of champagne on warm summer nights. It’s colder now, and they’re close enough for the fabric of their evening suits to brush each time they move. Sebastian is quiet, looking out across the grounds and caught up in his own thoughts.

Charles tries to distract him with idle talk and jokes, but he can see that his friend is hurting too deeply for him to reach. So he raises his hand and touches Sebastian’s fingers, softly, making Sebastian look up at him. Perhaps it is the alcohol, or his desperate need to brighten the shadows in Sebastian’s eyes, but Charles admits quietly (against his own nature): ‘This is where I’d bury it. The crock of gold you mentioned last summer. Here, in the grounds of Brideshead, where I’ve been happiest with you.’

He speaks before thinking, but knows that it was the absolute truth. Nothing in his life has ever made him as happy as his time with Sebastian, which makes it all the more painful to be drinking in such melancholy with him now. Neither says anything in the wake of his words, but after a moment Sebastian lifts his own hand to Charles’s face, brushes his cheekbone with the pad of his thumb, and then leans in to kiss him. 

The kiss is soft and soundless. It lasts only a moment, enough time for Charles to feel Sebastian’s tear spill against his own cheek, before they’re sitting there with their eyes shut and foreheads resting together. Neither says anything in response. They just stay that way for several silent moments, each heart breaking with the recognition of the love they share. 

I can’t remember all the movies I saw but I’ll include ones made in other years but which I first saw in 2017

movies:

dunkirk (2017)

regeneration (1992)

lion (2016)

god’s own country (2017)

hidden figures (2016)

it (2017)/it (1990) 

moonlight (2016)

the woman in black (2012)

big eden (2000)

all quiet on the western front (1930)

books (this is so hard why would you only give me 5!!):

monstress by lysley tenorio

days without end by sebastian barry

zami by audre lorde

the bloody chamber & other stories by angela carter

regeneration by pat barker

ahhh my favourite genre, historical & gay. these are my faves films, including some short miniseries

another country (1984)

maurice (1987)

the handmaiden (2016)

brokeback mountain (2005)regeneration (1997)

carol (2015)

a single man (2009)

bright young things (2003) (only minor lgbt character but great film)

the history boys (2006)

the night watch (2011)

fingersmith (2005) (2-part miniseries)

tipping the velvet (2002) (3-part miniseries)

the imitation game (2014)

cloud atlas (2012) (only partially period but I adore it)

wilde (1997)

the normal heart (2014)

pride (2014)

christopher and his kind (2011)