#aiden devine

Welcome to another year under our thumb. Or did you hope that we’d be gone? Sorry to burst your bubble, but there’s too much juicy gossip for us to even dream of leaving. Let’s get down to business, shall we? You’ve all been up to quite a bit while we’ve been away.

Ah, parents weekend. That lovely weekend where we all gather with our drunken mothers and distant dads. Speaking of, Baby Slut, excellent job on your relationship with your daddy. Seems like he can parent everyone but you. We wonder why that is. There’s probably a reason he loves your little brother more and it has to do with balls. Yuri has them and you don’t. It’s obvious that the famous, masculine Oliver Wood cannot bond with such a...delicate son. Isn’t the little brother suppose to live in the older’s one shadow? We guess that’s not always true now is it?

Roaring Bottom, who’s your daddy? Seems like your parents have been keeping some secrets from you. Like the fact that you’re actually Hannibal Runes’ darling baby boy. No surprise that you propositioned Power Bottom’s father and showed him his son’s naughty playroom. Someone has daddy issues. In fact, I think we should give you a new nickname, Daddy’s Boy. That seems much more fitting. What a shame that you finally found out the truth. We were wondering how long Righteous Knightmo would keep it from you. You both are really awful best mates, you know that right? It also seems that  you’re having a bit of an identity crisis. Slytherin, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Gryffindor...which one are you truly?

In relationship news, Power Bottom and Righteous Knightmo are on the mend. We were hoping for some more drama before the big make up, but it seems like they’re just boring now. Live it up, you two. You’re teenagers, not a married couple. Also starring in new found relationships, Scream Queen finally grew a pair and confessed to Black Swan, leading to Scream Queen losing his kissing virginity in the library. Wonder when they’ll lose the other kind of virginity? We’re betting that Scream Queen doesn’t know his way around a woman's anatomy very well.

Baby Slut, where’s your boyfriend? In case you didn’t know, Muggle Comfort has gone missing since all of the parent’s have left to go home. Only time will tell if he ran away or if he’s finally gotten too curious for his own good and is dead somewhere. We’ll never tell.

And Shit Disturber, welcome back! We missed you, darling. Seems like Daddy’s Boy and King Butt Licker did as well, judging from their warm welcome. Ready to stir up more dirt for us? You know how much we love your work. Of course, that begs the question of what exactly happened to bring you back. If any of you know, we’ll give you a hefty reward.

We have to admit, we thought that party was going to have much more juicy tidbits to report on. Maybe you guys are losing your touch? We hope not since we have another school year on the horizon and we don’t want to be out of business so soon. If you guys stop giving us drama we’ll make it for you. 

Let’s start with our Righteous Knightmo. We thought Gryffindors were supposed to be loyal and brave but you buckled at the idea of what we would do to you if you didn’t push Muggle Comfort into the pool. You know, that doesn’t seem very Gryffindorish now does it? Especially considering how much he doesn’t like water! Poor Muggle Comfort is going to truly be afraid of water now. Congratulations, Righteous Knightmo! I’m sure your little sister, best friend, and boyfriend will be awfully proud of you. Have to admit, we like seeing that you have a bit of a Slytherin streak in you! 

Now onto Lup Minor...my oh my, it appears that no one wants you back here. If it makes up for that, we’re happy you’re back. We wonder what Roaring Bottom is going to say when he finds out you were trying to start a brawl with his best mate. We can’t help but notice that he’s avoiding you like the plague. Maybe he’s moved on? If we hear anything better believe we’ll let you know first. 

And we cannot forget Black Swan and Pretty Little Thing. Black Swan.....Black Swan we can smell the desperation coming off of you in waves. How are you ever going to keep a man on your arms with that kind of attitude? You made quite a splash when you went around proclaiming you had a boyfriend but we’ve been watching. A couple of smooches doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship. Yikes! If we were you, we would start back pedaling now. And what do you think of that Pretty Little Thing? Agree? Don’t agree? Do you really want to tango with that family? What happens when her father finds out? We know. You’ll be d e a d m e a t. Hey, that sounds like a great new nickname. 

Roaring Bottom using your ex to make your former boyfriend jealous is tacky. It’s even more tacky when your best mate is dating him. Looks like your advances didn’t get you too far. Maybe you’ve losing your touch? Or are you just self-absorbed? It doesn’t take a Ravenclaw to realize that something is off when it comes to Power Bottom. Yet it completely went over your head and everyone else’s. Some friends you lot are.

Oh and Baby Slut, we gave you such a simple task but you couldn’t do it. We’re not surprised. You just don’t have that spark of wild in you. Did you think taking Muggle Comfort from the party was going to distract us? It didn’t. So you have a few scars and you’re scared of being shirtless. You didn’t seem so shy when you were bucking helplessly into Shit Disturber’s hand back when he was alive. Maybe you just don’t like Muggle Comfort as much as you wish. You’re just desperate enough to stay and force it, hm? It seems that you and Black Swan have much more in common than you think. 

Hey, Victory, weep, weep cry, cry. We have a special report for you and Professor Grump Cat it seems that Lup Major has left the building permanently. Yes, folks, that is right. Lup Major has resigned from teaching at Hogwarts and where he has gone no one knows...except us. And we’re not ready to give that secret up just yet.

And what about our favorite Muggle Comfort? It was quite a show you put on when Righteous Knightmo showed you our letter. We didn’t think you would do that for him. It seems like underneath the shy, quiet exterior you hold that there is a lion inside of you. Expect more challenges like that in the future for you.