A lot of people absolutely no one have asked me: Soma, before the symptoms of poison start kicking into your patients, what happens during your game? Does everyone just stand around awkwardly?
The answer is no! Here at the King of Hearts we make sure our patients stay entertained throughout their stay, and one of my favourite ways to accomplish that is to show them the absolute shitshow that was the Kuina vs Last Boss fight, with director's commentary!
Just so everyone can see what you're missing if you don't come to my game and because I'm mad at Kuina, without further ado, here is my analysis of the fight:
(@kuinaoflight @iamthelastboss up your fucking games or I'll personally beat both of your asses myself)
The fight starts off strong! The tension is so thick it can be cut with a knife, and that is exactly what Last Boss chooses to do when instead of aiming for Kuina, he aims for the air beside her. Sadly, Kuina can't take any points for dodging this, because the blow was never going to hit her in the first place.
If you have any beverage beside you I urge you to take a shot every time Last Boss is so off with his blows that he ends up giving his entire back to Kuina. It is really extraordinary how I've fenced for five years and I've almost never seen this happen (maybe because these people actually know how to hold a sword), yet Last Boss accomplishes this in the first six seconds of the fight. We're also going to be counting every time Kuina gives her back to Last Boss.
It is also amazing how Kuina never takes advantage of this and tries kicking him to push him onto the floor and run away. Call it warrior's honour, call it plot armour, either way, we are here for it!
Last Boss deciding again that Kuina is too easy a target and aiming for the air beside her, and Last Boss again giving his whole back to Kuina, this time in the eight-second mark. He's on his way to claim a record.
If you notice, you can see how his sword is behind him; that's because he's 'loading' (I don't know the English word) all his blows. Instead of going for a straight cut, he brings his sword back to gather more power and then releases it, which is stupid because not only does he leave him incredibly exposed (look at how his chest is unprotected), but it gives his opponent time to see where he's aiming at. Not that Kuina needs this, of course! Because once again:
Kuina is twenty feet away from him.
Also, none of Last Boss' blows hold any balance whatsoever. He's not in control of his body, he just lets it follow the blade and leave him exposed afterwards. This would also count as an instance where he's more or less giving his back to Kuina (third shot).
You can't see it very well, but just above Last Boss' elbow you can see the hilt of his sword; he hasn't even begun to throw the cut and Kuina is already dodging out of a mixture of being able to read Last Boss' movements, and being able to read the future, because there's no way she could've anticipated it so soon.
Yet again, Last Boss is aiming for the air and not Kuina. Someone get this man some glasses.
Even though Kuina is already crouching and Last Boss hasn't thrown the cut yet, he makes no attempt to change the trajectory of his sword and swing it downwards, because it's the āØgentlemanly⨠thing to do.
Both of them giving their backs to each other. Double shot! We're at five now.
If you're wondering: how much of the fight has already happened? The answer is a whopping 12 seconds.
You do not look half as cool as you think you do.
Look at this beautiful pliĆ© sautĆ©! Here we have an example of Last Boss gracing us with his ballet skills because he doesn't have any fencing ones. I'd attempt to explain what he's attempting with his arms but I have no clue and frankly, some things are better left to the eye of the beholder āØ
He is grace, he is elegance, he is wasting energy with pointless jumps, but wešarešherešforšitš
From now on I'm going to avoid mentioning every time Last Boss aims at the air. Imagine how often it happens for me to decide I can't keep counting it.
Kuina giving her back to Last Boss, sixth shot.
Also, let it be noted that she was in a hallway and instead of trying to run away, she decided: what if I got into a closed room where I can't escape once I get in? Wouldn't that be spicy? And it was!
I know I just said I was going to stop mentioning every time Last Boss doesn't aim at Kuina (and since then I've omitted it three times), but this one sticks out in particular because he's realized the air is too easy a target and now he's got his sights on a different one: the ceiling.
Brief intermission to be serious for a moment: Last Boss' problems when he's fighting are the following:
As I've already said, he's not in control of any of the blows he's throwing. He blindly swings his sword, and his whole body moves with it, which causes him to have many weak points in his defense.
Already said this too, but the way he keeps pulling his sword back to throw the blow with more power, which makes his opponent see where he's aiming at, and also leaves him exposed. Last Boss' defense is non-existent.
He keeps holding the sword with one hand, and really, he doesn't need to. One reason why you'd hold a sword that is mostly meant to be handled with both hands, with just one, is to close the distance with your opponent AND ONLY DURING A BRIEF MOMENT, before switching back to holding it with two. But Last Boss doesn't need this: Kuina is unarmed. He already has the advantage of the distance, he can reach further with his sword than Kuina could with a kick or a punch. All this is contributing to is a lack of balance, and softer cuts: you don't generate the same amount of power if you're swinging a sword with both arms than with just one.
Pointless jumps, pointless moving around. He's wasting a lot of energy.
Now back to the director's commentary!
Also, I couldn't take a picture which showed it decently so you'll have to believe me: Kuina giving her back to Last Boss again: seventh shot.
Kuina giving her back to Last Boss because jumping to the side was too easy and she too wanted to test her ballet skills. Eighth shot.
She is grace, she is elegance, she dreamed of this because I can assure you this did NOT happen.
Coincidentally, just at this time, Last Boss manages to cut a table with his sword, which is also something I can assure you did not happen. Maybe they talked about this after the fight was over and decided to add some spice⨠to it.
'What if I tell them I just JUMPED over your sword, how cool would that be??'
'OH, OH, and then I CUT A TABLE with the power of my SWORD!'
Kuina decides to roll around on the floor because she's already dominated the ballet game and now wants to try her hand at capoeira. And this allows us to take a ninth shot!
And since it happens again shortly after, a tenth!
Credit where credit is due: this is GOOD. His form is good and you can feel the power behind it. Round of applause for Last Boss!
I have no idea why anyone would be this smug after not managing to land a single blow with your sword on an unarmed opponent, but we love a confident king!! I personally would be crying, but to each his own I guess.
Mixed feelings about Last Boss' stance here. I've mostly done rapier, and I have accidentally gotten a few cuts on the hand because if a sword is going to hit you on the chest and you can throw it off course with your hand, even if you do get hurt on your hand, it's better than having a sword through your stomach.
I could see that, if this was a smaller weapon, you might want to use one hand to block the other person's movements and the other to attack. This is actually done a lot during knife fights, using one hand to deflect your opponent's weapon, and the other to attack.
But it IS a long weapon, and Kuina is unarmed. If she tries to kick him he can just aim the sword to her leg, so it's pretty pointless, even though the stance in itself doesn't look bad.
And I haven't done karate, so Kuina gets away with hers. She's on thin fucking ice though.
And his previous stance is useless because he suddenly switches to swinging the sword like a baseball bat. He wants to keep us on our toes! Always expect the unexpected š
ALSO, IT IS JUST NOW, AT THE 1:54 MARK, WHEN LAST BOSS FINALLY MANAGES TO CUT KUINA'S ARM. ROUND OF APPLAUSE ššš
Barely a second later and he's back to making me furious, because this is when he starts banging his sword against the ground.
One of the strong points the katana has, is how sharp it is. But a blade needs taking care of; you need to take care of the rust that inevitably forms, and you have to keep it sharp. The sharper a sword is, the more you're going to have to work to keep it that way.
Which is why it's INFURIATING how he keeps banging the sword against the floor, or leaning on it, just for the sake of looking cool. The only thing this is accomplishing is that by the time he lands another blow on Kuina (I'm guessing, fifty years from now, given his skills), the blade will be so dull it'll bounce off her skin.
Every time someone leans against their sword, a King of Hearts dies. š„ŗ Protect your local King of Hearts.
Again, because Last Boss is a gentleman, he allows Kuina to hit him and take his sword while he just sits like: you're doing great sweetie āŗļø he's a supportive friend.
Could've kicked her face here, but mannersš comeš firstš.
I'm realizing I'm running out of space for the photos so you'll have to believe me when I say it's time for the eleventh shot!
Kuina managed to get him in a really bad chokehold (and he did nothing to prevent this and just flailed about) and Last Boss countered with a hit to her abdomen. Good!
A liver shot is one of the hardest to take when you're fighting against someone. Trust when I say a liver shot often feels much, much worse than getting hit to the face. It paralyses you, makes it hard to breathe, and hard to keep fighting afterwards.
However, there's a tiny problem here.
The liver is on the other side of Kuina's body.
Good attempt, though, because abdomen hits in general are still rough.
Last Boss decides to keep hitting Kuina with his elbows while giving his back to her, because why would you want to see your opponent? It's more important to take the twelfth shot!
Kuina could just kick him in the back, but she also decides against this.
I have no idea what Last Boss wanted to do here. was he going in for a punch, a kick...? OR WAS HE PRACTICING FOR HIS BALLET SHOW AFTERWARDS?? Yesšhešwasš SLAY BESTIEššš
It's the worst picture ever, but Kuina's kick holds very little power. I could believe that she manages to stop him in his tracks, but the show expects me to think she launched him to the other side of the room. Which, by the way, is where his sword was at, so maybe next time don't throw your opponent to where his weapon is? Just an idea.
From now on, most of the fight comes from Kuina's dreams because it can be summarized with: 'no you fucking didn't.'
Last Boss throws the glasses to the floor, which, good for him, and Kuina decides to fight there instead of trying to escape the room. And when she adopts the karate posture, she slides her foot against the floor instead of just placing it on the spot she wants it to be. Because she wanted to make Chishiya mad when he later on had to take off all the shards of glass from her foot (this happened and I know because I was there too).
I do not know karate, but I do not understand what kind of useful stance would cause you to have one of your hands so up high, and the other so low. What are you protecting with this?? Your hand is too high to be protecting your face and your other hand is facing downwards. Like I said, I don't know karate, but I don't understand what this is supposed to do.
This is her father's pose, which is the one she's imitating, and I think it seems like his upper hand isn't as high as Kuina's, and his lower hand has his palm facing his opponent.
Love Last Boss' stance, hate Kuina's. Why is her ass so far back? This doesn't feel stable at all, her centre of gravity seems way off. But I'll give her the benefit of the doubt since I don't know karate.
Again, Last Boss wastes a good stance because he immediately does something else, and this is when Kuina dodges the blow by turning her head to the side, which happened in her dreams but absolutely not during the fight.
SUCH FIERCENESS, SUCH PASSION, SUCH... a weird place to aim a kick? The neck?? You'd never be lucky enough to hit this during a fight, so why not aim for the head??
Kuina then finishes the fight and her my suffering is over.