There is no need of beating around the bush. This is a different kind of post to my usual fashion/outfit heavy entries on here, but indeed a pretty personal one - given well, the picture above. Partially that is due to the fact that I havenât been able or in the mood to take new pictures, but moreso because a lot has happened within the past ten days so that in all honesty I didnât think of this blog at all. Now I kind of feel the need however to maybe write some of it down. Not in the details, but in a broader sense. And as much as typing things out in hope it will leave me less anxious, there is another way that always helps me to unwind and that indeed is connected to the pictures in this post: nature.
I have always been an âoutdoorsyâ kind of person in the sense that I love to go on long walks (and sometimes taking my camera with me) and simply enjoy the calm and beauty that can be found in the woods, forests and fields - basically anywhere far away from people. Ever since lhe pandemic has started I feel my love and need to go outside and spend time in nature has even increased. It really is a bit of a cure-all. At the very least it helps me to clear my head. And there is no other way to say it, but my mind has been cluttered the past two weeks with way too many conflicting emotions and thoughts, so i really appreciate these tiny escapes that being outside allows me to experience.
As I said, I wonât go into depth here, but there has been a lot of changes arising these past weeks and even though a wise person - I cannot remember who it was that said it at the time being - once said âthe only constant in life is changeâ, Iâd be lieing if I said I am doing well with change. Of course it is an inevitable aspect of growth, but I am prone to overthink any- and everything, so as you may be able to assume: thatâs what I have been doing for about 7 days now: Thinking, thinking, thinking (*insert a gif of Winne Pooh here saying that mantra and tapping his head*) and taking pictures during walks - I hope youâll like them (I am actually contemplating whether or not to start an instagram account solely with nature pictures as I love taking them so much).
So yeah... change. I guess itâs true when people say âif one door closes another opensâ and seeing it as a chance. But itâs tough to do when youâre like me: a pessimist. Itâs of course useless to play out everything that may happen and everything that may go wrong from here on out rather than imagining how well things may unfold from here on out, but I canât help that my head is wandering towards doubts and anxiety and feeling like making a mistake rather than in the direction of promise and excitement. Thatâs sadly just not how my brain functions and itâs exhausting, because it makes you feel so helpless and nearly incapable to make a decision.Â
For me that falls together with an issue that I have been carrying around with me since I was a teen and had plenty of experience with bullying. I wonât go into details here, but that seriously - as I am only beginning to grasp now some 20 years later almost - has scarred me for the rest of my life. Mainly how these past experiences affect me in my life now is that I have huge issues to a) trust people in general and b) trust myself to make the right decision. You might see how this is a problem when it comes to change and specifically change that involves you making a decision. I feel I simply canât or rather will always wait for the other shoe to drop once I made a decision.
Itâs this uncertainty that is perfectly normal to feel a little anxious about that for me almost has a paralyzing effect in the way that I at some point completely shut down. And thatâs the point when I tend to not feel anything anymore or probably too much so that I just go through the day by sitting in the passenger seat of my own life. Everything seems to pass you by, nothing seems real, itâs like sleepwalking. And one way for me to help me out of that is by getting fresh air. And actually doing something, being proactive about something.
That usually helps best - btw, can we appreciate for a second how tasty these apples look? I loved that pop of red in all of the green - they are proper âsnow whiteâ apples if you ask me. That is until making a step forward and being proactive is met with an actual possibility - that I had never even thought would actually happen to be a possibility, because little pessimist me never thinks I could actually be lucky or wanted. Then this whole cycle starts up again and I am back in the hamster wheel. And really, that may only change when the change has happened and I have realized and experienced that the other shoe didnât drop.
Of course I have had many experiences telling me itâs useless to live my life always waiting for the other shoe to drop as in many instances it hasnât to this day, but sadly that doesnât change the fact that I will overthink and be anxious. Itâs funny how you can tell yourself or rather accept that on an objective level and even know it logically, but how itâs still impossible to âcontrolâ your emotions based on that. Well, I guess thatâs why they are emotions... They just are.
Anyway, I hope you donât mind this âmental healthâ-y post. Youâre probably more confused now than you were in the beginning when you started reading. Well all I can say is: Welcome to the club. ;)
Leaving you with another picture from y walk the other day. Love how misty the background is. I hope youâre doing well!
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