#ahale

Each morning I wake A little cold.  Not cold in my bed, but cold cause I’m alone. 

Each night I dream that You’re by my side Warming me with your love.  But each morning I wake  Without you Still with your love, But only from a distance.

Each day I laugh  I smile with my memories  But only just.  Vivid in my mind Vivid in my heart  But without your warmth  I am always a little cold A little lonely  A little sad But only just.

I loved you. I did.

Silently. Patiently.  Like the stargazer loves the stars. Watching from afar, with a wondering heart, looking for a change a chance or a miracle waiting and wishing to be near for the opportunity to be close

I told you in secret - with my heart hoping it would reach you that the stars would see me watching lovingly that they would catch me appreciating their beauty and their wonder. And I thought maybe they could relay the message for me So they could bear the burden of rejection in my place muffle the sound of my heartbreak from my own ears Because how can we live without the beauty of the stars?  in their quiet elegance, unknowing of their allure? 

I loved you. I really did.  But my mistake was waiting for  the stars to speak  because they hide from the light of the sun, and only surface when they can be seen and watched and loved  Because they know they can only be still.  Just like my love; my love that I hid behind the doors of my soul that no one could see, not even you. Unless it was dark,  and only the faint flutters of my butterflies could be heard That is when you might have known or heard or seen but you didn't. 

My mistake was whispering my secret  to the stars who keep the secrets of the world  hidden behind their lights because who could they tell?  why should they, when they are already loved?  adored by all? 

I loved you like the stargazer loves the stars from a lonely distance unknowing of how cold the stars really are  oblivious to their silence

I caught myself missing you today. Like I did yesterday. And last week Thursday.  I caught myself waiting for a phone call.  The way they used to come with a very sweet ‘Hello’ Or a comment that would make my cheeks burn.  In the middle of the night or in the middle of the day 

I caught myself missing your voice. Your laugh. Making you laugh. With the silly things I used to say that only you would laugh at. The silly things you used to say are in my memories and i catch myself pulling them up, up out of their confines to relive them. To remember them. Your jokes are still funny to me. I still laugh when I remember.

I caught myself missing your eyes. The ones I thought were brown. The same color as your hair, that matched the light tone of your skin. That complimented the bright of your smile. The way they used to shine, even on my screen.

I caught myself just missing you today. Missing us. The way I did yesterday. And last week Thursday. The way I have been since you left me. Since you disappeared from my life. From my phone. From my screen. I only wish you could disappear from my memories. From me. And my mind. And my heart.

Because I am finally happy. Today, I am truly happy. Like I will be tomorrow. And next week Thursday. I have found a love I am not ashamed of. One I don’t have to wait for. That is right in front of me. That will last a lifetime. It is filling me with more than you ever did, and I need more space. I need to erase you, to make space for new memories. Better memories.

Help me let you go. I want to let go of you. And the first love I ever felt. Because this love I’ve found, It’s so very different. It isn’t flaming red. Or orange. It isn’t a fire in my skin But a deep blue ocean - like your eyes were - of a much hotter flame the hottest blue flame of the fire, burning in my soul. Very slowly. Very smoothly.

This love that I have found is eternal. My eternal, internal flame. Not my first love, not the same.  But my last love. My only. Forever and always. Without you.