#ahahaha?

i feel like my parents expected me to go to college and find a romantic partner of some kind and start acting like a "normal" kid - freshman fifteen, struggle adjusting, all that.

i don't think they expected me to do what i always do: throw in with the little cluster of people who can get around my incessant awkwardness, start making big brother figures out of dudes who are anywhere from three to thirteen years older than me, and forego a social life for kicking the fuck out of my classes. the caffeine addiction was probably the only part they got 100% right.

and i'm not criticizing anyone who decides they'd actually like to regularly interact with other human beings - if i sound like i am, i apologize. i'm... i don't know.

i have little moments where i feel rooted to seattle deep down in my bones. they happen on I-5 and on the 520, crossing lake washington. they come sometimes when it's raining or foggy, and i had a bit of one that time it snowed a couple weeks ago.

i keep thinking about the one i had in the cafe, two or three weeks back. it was early afternoon on a monday or wednesday, because i had english to get to later, and it was raining, and the place was mostly empty, quiet, and i grabbed a seat at this bar they have that runs along the wall so you can look out at the street.

this is me being very weird and profound and i'm amazed if you've stuck around this long. this is my equivalent of deep conversations at sleepovers except every night's a sleepover because it's tumblr.

i've got words stuck in me i don't know how to get out and i feel like i'm sitting here fucking waiting for a freight train to hit me so i can be a wreck while the next big thing happens in my life and i am sick of waiting.

i don't care if it's scary and i don't care if it causes physical pain and i don't care if i have to call someone to come get me because i'm stuck down in the central district at 3 am with no buses running back to campus because i would really just like the shitfucking terrifying thing that i can feel coming to arrive and bust me up so i can get moving.

if it's not yogi getting hurt, i'll take it.