#again...sorry lol

John's love for Jamie is very much a self-created prison, one that he's built for himself brick by brick chasing any connection to Jamie he could manage to secure (using his influence to get Jamie's parole served out at Helwater to keep him where John could see him, marrying Isobel just so he could serve as surrogate father to Jamie's son, moving to America just so he could be nearer to Jamie, and all while simultaneously putting his heart away on a shelf so as not to "betray" his feelings for Jamie).

In the process of his pursuit of Jamie he's deserted the very cornerstone of his life - his desire to live a life of purpose in quest of honour and justice - to "sit inanimate in a corner" awaiting every opportunity to swoop in and save the day like his primary reason for existence is now being guardian angel to the Frasier family.

Regardless of my personal opposition to the very practice imperialism and slavery, I at least respected John's strength of character in his devotion to his duty because HE believed in the integrity of his office, and that his actions were for the ultimate security, and therefore betterment, of society. But NOW? What's he even doing with his life anymore? The man hasn't had a real job since 1768! o.O (Good thing he's rich. Must be nice to retire at 39 years old. xd)

I don't know about you, but that is not the Lord John Grey I knew and loved. The John who once went, "For an instant, he fantasized the possibility of securing Percy's freedom, whether by lies or bribery, then going abroad, the two of them together. He had money enough. To live a pointless existence of idleness with a man whom he could not trust. No, it would not serve." (BotB, Ch 28) I guess a near pointless existence of idleness in service to a man who doesn't love you and barely pays attention to you unless he needs something from you is somehow a life worth living to him? Okay then. smh

But it's the contrasting nature of Percy's quietly abiding love for John versus John's desperate fervour for Jamie that I find most intriguing. While John's chased after Jamie at nearly every possible opportunity over the years (even when he knew his attention was vehemently unwanted), Percy...hasn't.

Only on THREE occasions did Percy actually purposefully set out to see John. The first time they met again after 18 years when John returned to his hotel room to find Percy waiting for him -- though that occasion was primarily motivated by Percy's work (though I'm sure he was quick to volunteer his services when it gave him a reason to see John again xd). And the time(s) Percy turned up at John's tent looking for him after he'd recognized John disguised as an enemy soldier, no doubt because he feared John being hanged for a spy.

And Percy was quick to try and leverage his own realm of influence to safeguard John's life when he asked to take John to meet the Marquis de Lafayette. He knew the young nobleman would heed his counsel as his adviser if he convinced him John was too valuable to be executed and that he should advocate on John's behalf to General Washington (since he held Lafayette in great affection and regarded him like a son). Through Lafayette's influence Percy could've ensured John was permitted to serve out his parole in safety and comfort (if only Jamie had consented to let him go!), maybe even in the French camp where Percy was. (And, hello, there's fanfic idea for anyone looking for one! ^.^ lol)

And the third and final time Percy sought John out was on Richardson's boat (somewhere he was quite likely forcibly brought in the first place or else deceived into coming), when he came to apologize to him and admit he still loved him because he thought he might never see him again. 😢

But the thing that stands out to me is just how much Percy, in fact, never actively chased John at all during all those years. All the other times they only encountered each other incidentally. And sure, Percy flirted a bit here and there, but mostly he maintained his sense of purpose and did his job. The only time he really went out of his way to seek out John outside of his work was when he feared for John's life.

Percy felt no need to chase John on a personal level because his love for him had long become sufficient in and of itself. He felt no desperation to pursue John the way John did Jamie (despite both of them being aware that their romantic affections were unwelcome), no need to cling to any mementos of John (like John's done with Jamie's sapphire all these years) to remind himself of his feelings for him, and he didn't feel the same depth of insecurity to use the other to fill the void within himself as John did with Jamie.

Yet it can't be denied that Percy loved John greatly all that time in his own far less overtly displayed way. Even while doing his job his desire to safeguard John was ever-present. Even in the months when he never saw or spoke to John he was still keeping abreast of where he was and what he was doing, and most importantly, investigated Ezekiel Richardson and figured out the threat he posed to the Grey family and warned John about him years before Richardson even closed in for the kill. If only John had given Percy's warning the credence it deserved! T_T

(I also can't help but be amused by all the times Percy's straight out known more about everything's that going on than John. And Percy took a mere six months to figure out "Buttercup's" secret identity, but apparently John never figured out that "Beauchamp" and "Monsieur Citron" were in fact the same agent until 1780. John may've been the more experienced soldier, but it looks like Percy has always been the better spy! LOL And you know what? Good for him! <3)

I also can't help but feel that Percy's is ultimately the more selfless love, too. I mean, sure John cares about Jamie's welfare but it's a very self-serving sort of selflessness he demonstrates regarding Jamie a lot of the time. How many times has he talked about doing something for Jamie's greater welfare but in the same breath also expressed that it's because it's something HE (John) needs for sake of himself? Not to mention that by so doing he also at least gained Jamie's gratitude and a modicum of his attention.

Whereas Percy continually acts out of care for John even though John barely offers him basic civility in their interactions, let alone anything else. At least Jamie still offers John friendship (somewhat warped though it is). Percy is motivated by love of John alone, knowing perfectly well he has nothing whatsoever to offer Percy in return -- not even the basic dignity one human being ought to afford another, if John's apathetic treatment of him near the end of Bees is any indication. ~ 😔