#afternights

albert einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. i guess i am insane then, according to the words of a genius. because that is what i am doing... holding out hope for a step you won't take, a relationship that won't bloom, a love that won't exist. and it won't. i know that. and yet i am stuck. i know what will happen tomorrow because i have lived it every day since i met you: i will wake up and i will do the same thing and the same thing will happen. but i can't change. and i can't let you go, either. so i guess i am insane.

i really wish you loved me. i really do. i want you to see me as someone you can love. someone valuable, with meaning. someone interesting, someone you want to figure out. and the thing that trips me up is, i think you do see me as someone valuable, with meaning. i'm like, pretty sure. more sure than i am of most things. but i'm not someone you can love. i'm not someone interesting, i'm not someone you want to figure out. i'm just a girl who's followed you around since she was fifteen, that's all.

i have made a mistake. one time i compared you to the sun, as a light i depended on for sight, a warmth i depended on for survival. but we are not a solar system. i am not the earth, and you are not the sun. you are someone i earnestly want in my life, but even without you, i would survive.

how do you fall in love with someone the day you meet them? i feel like you have to be strikingly beautiful for that to happen to a person. am i strikingly beautiful? i hate myself for even just asking that question, because it’s a silly question to ask, particularly when i’m not. don’t answer that, please. i don’t want to know your answer... i already know it, anyway.

the thing that kills me is, i see it. i see why you like her. anyone! could see why you like her. i hear it ringing in my head, the time when you finally, finally admitted to me quietly, "yeah, i like her." you breathed out slowly after you said it, like it took you so much courage to say those words. like you don't think you're good enough for her. you know, that kills me too. because how you could not be good enough for anyone, i don't know.

my heart aches that we never got our chance. people say wrong timing doesn't exist; that it simply means that they're the wrong people. in which case, my heart aches that you are part of the wrong people. that you are not the right person.

sometimes i think i don’t even think of myself as a person. i watched a movie once that described it better than i could: i’m floating outside of my body, looking down at myself. watching everything that happens to me. there, but not really. so i’m sorry i hurt you. i wasn’t trying to. it’s just hard for me sometimes, to think of myself as someone who is loved. to remind myself that i have the power to hurt the people who love me. actually, you know, while we’re on the topic, i’m not sure if i ever really learned that i could.

because isn't that what it's supposed to be about? having a partner you want to wake up to for the rest of your life? i'm only eighteen; it might be a little early to talk about the rest of my life, but... when i think about the things i love that i want to share, i think of you. i always think of you. i want to share them with you, and i want you to love them as much as i do. when i share them with you, i'm sharing a small piece of my soul. do you accept it, or will you reject me in this manner too?