#afmatthew

Preface: 

26 June 2017:

 I joined IIM Kozhikode to pursue my Masters considering:-

Engineering job at an MNC in India is low paying and has a low growth curve (Though my work was exciting, and for a fresher R&D job was a dream come true)

My family’s financial health didn’t allow me to go abroad and take admission in a great MS institute (i loved engineering), and didn’t want to settle there as well in the long run in order to pay-off the loan undertaken

So, i wrote CAT(admission test for MBA in India) and got into this college. Though i was engineer by blood, but who cares. You have to feed yourself and in India, you need an MBA to swing up the ladder. It was here i came across this legend!

5 March 2019:

I bid like all my fortune(in this case grade-points), to get allotted the subject taught by AF Matthew! Had heard a lot about him, and as i was few of those unlucky souls who weren’t given an opportunity to attend his sessions in the first year, this was long due.

And, well fast forward to the end of the session, it was all worth it! He challenged my thoughts, ideals, questioned my beliefs and swiftly moulded me. Whatever he said wasn’t at all sweet and soft. There were times when the entire world which i was a part of for 25years in my life, came tumbling down. But he had his facts, and he was RIGHT! 

He showed us the classics which was too much for a mainstream person i was, for whom a classic meant Lord of Rings franchise or Rocky Balboa Series, and then i was a transformed intelligent soul, now who could sit in a group and take part in knowledgeable discussions, and not fight based on mob-opinions. Also was I struggling with the aftermath of a life-threatening accident i had on Sept 14th,2018. I was no more a confident girl who was strong-headed in her stance and could think clearly in the midst of difficult situations. I was running from my inabilities and HE gave me the strength to face them! 

The following piece is a tribute to him and the art to which he exposed me and built a better person if not perfect. The journey is long no doubt, but i am forever indebted to have had the foundation stone laid by him.

PS, this is a reflective essay which i wove around my life based on the movies and art (highlighted and referenced in the piece) he exposed me to.

“Everyday I breathe, effortlessly I lie Roll back my tears and curl up a fake smile There THEY stand, every movement do THEY eye With my head held high, its time to push another mile”

The statue of Liberty… Yes, this is where my earliest memory of the word “liberty” takes me to. Today, as I write this piece after 30 hours of mental turmoil, I found myself in GC’s class, it would be rather befitting if once I could stand straight, look into the mirror and confront myself. Its long that I have hidden myself in a cocoon of safety and comfort, and hopefully here in this reflective narrative I am able to “woman-up” to my vices and insecurities. 3 Colours: Blue incited in me an emotion which until recently was a far-fetched dream. For the first time in my life, I felt “liberated” too much to the extent that I don’t shy away from the idea of being alone. The night of 14th September 2018 changed my life or so did I think. Now, as I look at it, I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I speak out loud that it “completed me”. Empathising with Julie’s struggle to let herself free as she tried to pay off all her debts and run away from her past, I understand clearly now why after my accident I found it difficult to be at rest. Always was I trying to push people away- blaming & snapping away from someone who’ll try to give me solace.

It was a time when all I wondered was what could I ever do wrong to have had this fate. After 6-pelvic fractures, 1-shoulder fracture, 1-hip surgery and a bleeding clot that rendered half of my brain unreceptive; I feel I am in a good condition to vouch for Julie’s behaviour to untie herself from all bodily aspirations when you are not able to settle the turmoil of emotions that challenges your mere existence day in and day out. Countless times have I found myself since that day questioning my actions, feelings, thoughts and more than that the people around me. “Why me” was something that kept me up at night and tired & helpless all I could do was hide myself in my room away from the eyes that always seem to follow me. It took me long to realise that those eyes actually were supportive of me and some of them genuinely were ready to take part in my sufferings as I once again started a quest to discover myself. But even that was not enough. No matter how much have I been the admirer of the emotions with which HW Longfellow’s “A Psalm of Life” claims that “Life is anything but an empty dream”, there were times when everything around me felt futile. When anyways everything is supposed to end, why the struggle to end everyday with perfection? In fraction of seconds, the course of life can be changed so much that you never know if it’s the end. These months have been long, tiring and restless to the extent that I would end up scratching myself, inflicting pain just to remind myself that it would all be over soon. Everything is supposed to end and this too shall pass.

In the beginning of the end, you try to treasure onto the memories you have in order to make them last longer. Same did I experience in these last few weeks. Change is inevitable and no-one is ready to accommodate it into their lives that easily. My days in campus are about to get over and all I can see now is a life full of competitions and unnecessary races for which I am not prepared for, rather not been accustomed to for long. Then one day sitting by the edge of my classroom, lost into the serene surroundings into which my college is built; I let my thoughts take a flight just like the flapping wings of the bird I was staring at. I was no more scared to be lost. There is a world full of possibilities and it stuck me that just one setback doesn’t define your future or justify your past. I came onto terms with my life. I accepted my limited ability and sufferings that accompany the same, something which I know will eventually pass no matter how hard it seems now. Something which I was looking and searching for outside, was inside me. That thought gave me power. It gave me freedom. I accepted that the unfortunate incident was no-one’s fault and accepted the things as they are now. I forgave myself,those who were in the car with me that night and decided to move on, following my life’s route destined. The moment I faced these things, I was no more caged. Neither did I feel helpless, nor did I want to hide. Rather, I started respecting and treasuring all the more those who were throughout besides me in these unfortunate times no matter what. And then I decided lets “Leave Footprints on the sands of time”.

Yet another gush of emotions I felt was in the face of acceptance of the fact that how society has long demeaned women and have pre-decided their boundaries from the day they were born. And if you decide to over-step these “Lakshman-Rekhas” created, you have exposed yourself to the barbaric world and are immoral for sure if not unholy. The movie Caterpillar lays out one such example and shoves conservatism straight in the face. Lieutenant Kurokawa serves the right-wing parties and rapes the women on his way claiming them as the spoils of war. But once he comes back home mutilated, the desire to dominate still doesn’t seem to leave him which can be easily seen in his sexual intimacy with his wife. He seems to force again himself on her with aggression when all she does is take care of him, feed him and carry out all other “duties” that a woman is bound to carry out for her man. Well, in this case, he is the “War-Lord”. Many-a-times have I seen this in my surroundings, silently closed my eyes and kept quiet because this is how the system has trained me till date. My mother used to feed us, wash our clothes, clean our mess and all I would do was to accept it as it is because its her duty. And why was not it supposed to be? Didn’t I fill in my school almanac “Housewife” against her occupation field! The pain and cries of the women in Invisible War even more made me question the system I have been brought up in. There are facts and then there are beliefs. When and how did I start accepting, or when did my mother start accepting that she has to subdue to my father’s wills. Or when did I justified the sad reality that dress modestly else you can get molested, or worse raped! I was mere 10 years old when every morning while going to the school a man used to swiftly pass by pulling my skirt from the small gaps under my rickshaw. At that time, I didn’t even know how to behave or react. Though I knew something was not right- something that stopped me was the thought that how will I explain it to others or come out in the open. Maybe I am overthinking and wrong about my feelings! Well, now I know the reason to all these questions. The system had trained me to come to consensus with the supremacy of male gender who considers women as objects meant to be fu**ed.

When was I immodest in my simple school tunic, or where did I go wrong when I used to follow the Catholic principles in my missionary school? But in the image of Father Amaro, I received an answer to the same as well. Why is there the need to depress the bodily desires and preach in the name of religion the things which you can’t follow. Humans, so petty they are! They lead sad, depressing and meaningless lives. All they need is a religion to back them up and fulfil the void in their lives. But thousands of wars are being fought under the name of same religion and not to mention countless women get grilled under the expectations that the system imposes on them. Who’s responsible for it? But, yet again if you have power and hold a reputable position in the society, no-one will question you. Rather the voices against you will be silenced at the hands of the mob itself who want to stay in their safe, comfortable cocoons around them. Similar thing was seen in the smile of Gomez in “The Secret in their Eyes” that in its entirety meant that he is untouchable. No matter who he rapes, no matter who he kills, he is the hitman of the right-wing conservatist party and is bound to walk free as he is indispensable to the system; The system that can silence anyone, crush voices and indulge in anything to protect itself and its “ideologies”.

The manner in which the glory of war is demystified and we are exposed to this grim reality of the war, something which physically and psychologically transforms you, is shocking. The idea that the movie Caterpillar and Invisible War highlights is something that stays out of the green light and is something which the system won’t let you talk about. Lost in these wars are the futures of countless children who have witnessed it in their surroundings, suffered losses of their near and dear ones and felt pain which is unexplainable for them. But more than this what I am worried of is the loss of Innocence. At small ages they have seen things which shall scar them for years to come. The character of Chava in “Innocent Voices” brings it in light how these children constantly live in fear of death and even are hesitant to openly discuss on the idea of birthdays as that brings them closer to the D-day, when their childhood officially ends. In Baran as well, the same issue is highlighted as the plight of Afghans who live in Iran as refugees is pictured out. Feelings such as first love, innocent emotions- all get eroded under the idea of things that are beyond their control and they can’t even understand them. The mere thought gives me chills down the spine if today in my cosy surroundings I think of the continuous terror under which the children in Kashmir are living. How difficult life has become for them under the whims and fancies of a selected few who are staying true to their beliefs and justifying their actions throughout in the name of Nationalism.

It’s a common saying that “All is Well that Ends well”. As I end this piece, I don’t want to be true to the system and the common beliefs where everything is rosy and turns all fine. Rather I wish to confront myself and accept that there are insurmountable pains that lie under the lies that are spoken and preached. There’s a propaganda that is followed by those who are in power and its they who decide the rules to play their game. Amidst all this, An Affair of Love gives me hope. A woman putting out an idea of string-less and pornographic affair was more than a bold step. It challenged the beliefs where identity has to be put on such women & an affair of gossip for all those witnessing it. It was erotic and had its charm at the same time. Similarly, the tale of Yossi and Jagger was moving in the sense that their love was pure and Yossi articulated it as Jagger “died in his arms”, a phrase and scene which is defines tragedy in an ideal girl-boy movie story. It was heart-breaking and sad to find Yossi lamenting his loss as in the funeral he sings Jagger’s favourite song. Last but not the least, the character of Nora in “The Divine Order” stands for women’s liberation and freedom as she fights her way against the social norm to make a place for herself in the society. The day all these emotions shall be respected, and unheard voices given an ear, can we expect an uprising against the system.