#afcf

Guys, I know it's been an eternity. And I can't promise, that I will post regularly from now on. But what I can promise: This story is not going to end badly. And this story is still worth writing. There might be angst on the way, but I know one thing: Sam and Cait are my OTP. They make me swoon, they make me happy, they put a smile to my face. This is fiction. It is not intended to hurt anyone and it is all invented. But it is my fantasy of how their story happened and it will continue to be.

Love advice

It's hard to leave Cait behind, but surprisingly Mexico turns out to be a lot of fun. No one in the scuba diving course has an idea who he is and so he's just normal, sportive Sam among other normal, sportive people. Most of the participants are couples, but there are a few singles as well and so they have a nice mixed group. They have a good laugh and hang out in the evenings, drinking cocktails in the hotel bar or sitting at the beach. After the course is finished, Sam uses his remaining days in Mexico to explore and go hiking. It's lovely weather, a lovely scenery and he enjoys it very much.

If only Cait would be there, it's the only thing missing. They face time every day at least once and he longs for her so much, it almost hurts. Their face timing gets hotter and hotter and one night Sam has his first foray into phone sex ever. After that incident he is sure: Listening to Cait whispering things into his ear over the phone will forever be one of the most erotic experiences of his life and he'll never forget it.

The only thing clouding their happiness for a moment is the girl, he went to the Valentine's party with, implying on social media, that she's with him in Mexico. The fans flip out and Cait is mad at him for going with her anywhere in the first place. It makes for one depressing evening and way too much (very expensive) Whiskey on his hotel bill. Make up phone sex is almost hotter than the other day's version, so in the end everything works out fine. He calls his PR agent and tells them to shut the girl up immediately and for the first time he is not the friendly and always nice chap they know. It works, there is no innuendo coming from her afterwards and he decides, that he has to be more forceful about his interests in the future.  It's all still new and still a learning curve for him.

The two weeks are over faster than he would have thought beforehand, but still he is happy, when he is in his plane back to her. Unfortunately their reunion has to be delayed yet again, because Cait's schedule for her movie suddenly changes and she has to leave Los Angeles for New York just before he arrives. They decide, that they will meet in Scotland on Boxing day. He will spend Christmas with his family and then Cait will fly in and they will spend the rest of their break together. He flies to LA, gets his stuff and flies out to Scotland the same evening. Like always he is glad to leave the city of Angels behind.

When he's finally sitting in the taxi in Glasgow, he leans back with a sigh, his tiredness from the long journey catching up a bit on him, but he's also able to relax for the first time in what he feels is an eternity.

„Long journey?“ the driver asks and Sam smiles.

„Yeah. From Mexico to LA and now home.“

„Mexico! I bet you had better weather there than we here.“

Sam smiles. „Yeah, but home is home, isn't it?“

„That's right indeed,“ the driver says. „So spending Christmas with the family, huh? You're not from Glasgow, though, are you?“

„Edinburgh,“ Sam answers. „Just live here. Will spend Christmas at my Mom's house and then on Boxing day my girlfriend comes home.“

He doesn't know why he tells the man so much. He never does, but for some reason his guard is down. He's just so bloody happy to be back home and so bloody happy, that he's going to see Cait in a few days! He misses her so much, he just wishes she was already there.

The friendly taxi driver chuckles at his admission. „Ah, someone is missing his girl, isn't he?“ he says. „She's special then, is she?“

Sam laughs ruefully. „She is. I guess I am that obvious.“

They laugh together and chat on about other things for the rest of the trip. But when Sam gets out of the taxi, after paying and giving a generous tip, the driver leans out of his window. „Make it official, lad,“ he says. „If she's special, don't wait!“

Sam looks after the disappearing taxi, a puzzled look on his face. Did he just get love advice from a taxi driver? He sure did.

The incident doesn't leave his mind over the next days. „Make it official,“ the man said. Wow, that really would be a step! But the interesting thing is, that Sam doesn't feel frightened by the thought. Nor does he feel like shrugging it off. It stays with him and the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes, that he is sure and ready. Trouble is: He can't imagine Cait being in the same place yet. She is the more cautious of them and she had more trouble to accept their love as it is.

Love.

He has not told her yet. Only in his thoughts and once when she was asleep. Maybe Cait is not ready for a life long commitment, but he can at least tell her, that he loves her and he will.

Christmas with the family is sweet as always. For the first time they celebrate in his apartment and they all tease him endlessly over his new lifestyle and how „rich“ he has become. He's a bit embarrassed about it, but he knows they're just teasing and that they're absolutely thrilled with his new success.

He's glad, that noone asks him about Caitriona. He wouldn't know how to answer. He really wants to tell them, especially his Mom, but he wants to check with Cait first. They haven't really talked about how secret they'll have to keep their relationship from now on.

And then Boxing day is here. In the morning he and his family do their annual Boxing day walk, but Sam is already far away with his thoughts. Just a few hours. She will arrive in the afternoon and he can't wait to get home to Glasgow. If his family notices, they don't say anything, but they're not surprised when he leaves them right after their walk, without eating left-overs first, so he's sure he'll have a talk with his Mom soon. She still knows him better than anyone.

His phone buzzes while he's still on the road. Cait must have landed. He takes the next exit to see her text: “Safely landed, see you in a couple of hours. Yours or mine?” “Yours,” he texts back, because he knows Cait will want to be with Eddie on her first evening back.

At six he is standing in front of her door, his heart pounding in his chest, because he knows he is going to tell her, that he loves her and then she's there and she's in his arms, smelling wonderfully, feeling all soft and delicious. All is good again.

I’ve missed you.

Amy has organized a dinner and Sam is so afraid to miss Caitriona's call in the noise of the restaurant, that he keeps his phone in his hand all evening. Amy gives him the side-eye about it, but doesn't say anything and Sam is grateful for it.

When the phone is finally ringing, showing Cait's number on the display, Sam is out of his seat in the middle of a sentence. “I uh... have to take this,” he says and hurries outside. His heart is beating so loud, he is sure Cait can hear it over the phone when he takes the call. “Hi, Sam,” he hears her voice on the other end. “Are you busy? I wonder if you could...” she sounds unsure. “Yes?” he urges. “If you could come over? I... I really miss you and...” “I'm on my way,” he says.

###

Los Angeles is so big, people say, that no matter where you go, you always need at least an hour. Luckily Cait really doesn't live too far away from Amy's area, but even so it is more than half an hour later when Sam finally climbs the stairs to her apartment.

All the way here, he has tried to figure out what he's going to say, what they're going to do, how to move.  Right in the middle of his drive here, he realized, that in his head he has made this idea up, that if she calls him, she wants them to be together again, but then all the sudden it occurred to him that he can't be so sure? What about the dark haired guy? Why hasn't she called him sooner? She could just miss the friend and film partner and not the lover. Maybe she just wants to tell him it's over for good?

He's so nervous, that when she opens the door he just freezes. He can't bring a word out or make a move, but then she smiles and it lights her eyes and as soon as the anxiety has hit him, it is gone. The first step is an easy one. His arms open involuntarily and she doesn't hesitate. Sam closes his eyes when he feels her close, familiar, warm, soft. God, he missed her so much! He doesn't know how long they just stand in the small hall next to her door, just holding each other and not wanting to let go again. All is well.

“I'm sorry,” she finally murmurs somewhere against his chest. “I'm so sorry, Sam.”

“For what, hon?” he whispers and it really does take him a moment to know what she's talking about. He has forgotten about everything it seems. The long separation, the silence, not calling for weeks, the heartache she caused him. She does have a reason to be sorry, but he knows he has forgiven her long ago. He can't help it. He loves her.

She makes a weird little noise, somewhere between a chuckle and a sob and tightens her arms around his waist. “God, I missed you so! I was so stupid to think I could just let go...”

He has his face against her hair. “I was lost, Caitriona,” he says quietly. “So lost. Can we talk?”

He feels her nod.

They move into her living room. Cait pours him a glass of wine and then she sits down next to him on the couch. It's hard to find the first words.

“I can't do this again,” Sam finally says. “I can't pretend any longer, that it doesn't mean the world to me, when it does. I know I said, I'd give you space and...”

“I don't want the space anymore,” she interrupts him, her voice small and cracking and his heart sours. She takes his face into the palms of her hands and kisses him. “And I agree. I can't pretend either.”

He smiles, his vision a bit blurred by tears. He kisses her back, too overwhelmed to speak for a moment, so he shows her in the language of his body, how full of love his heart is and how happy.

#####

“I can't believe I booked that holiday in Mexico over Thanksgiving,” he groans much later. “Now, that I'm finally here with you again, I don't want to leave on a vacation in a week!”

They've finally moved to her bedroom, after a lot of talking, interrupted by a heated sessions of love making on her couch.

“I'm going to cancel it. Or maybe you can go with me?” He quirks an eyebrow. “I want to do scuba diving.”

Cait shakes her head. “No, sorry,” she says, “Karolyna has put so much effort in organizing a Thanksgiving dinner for all our friends, now that I'm here, I really can't cancel that one. Donal is even flying over from New York.”

“Shall I come? Or better not?” he asks and she throws her head back, sighing.

“I wish you would come, but I'm not sure it's a good idea. If it was just the close gang, it would be delightful to introduce you to all of them, but it will be a bigger affair and there will be people, who I don't know very well and I don't think we can trust them. Not if we want to keep this a secret.”

She turns her head and looks at him. “So you go scuba diving and I stay here?”

He smiles. “Only if you promise, that this time we will face-time every day. At least twice.”

“I promise,” she says. “And in the meantime...” she moves to straddle him, “... we will make up for lost time and for the next weeks, by you moving in with me until your vacation starts. What do you think?”

Sam pulls her face down to his. “I love it,” he says against her lips.

###

Amy is not too surprised when he goes to fetch his stuff from her house the next morning. He hasn't talked to her about Cait in the weeks he lived there, but she tells him now, that she guessed.

“Unlike your character, you have a glass face, Darling,” she says. “And seeing you with her, I knew there was more to it than just friends.”

“Don't tell anyone, please?”

“Of course I won't,” she promises. “But do you really think you can hide this for long? It will be incredibly difficult.” He sighs. “We want to try. Only Maril and Matt will know. We have a no fraternization clause in our contracts and the next contracts are up for negotiations. We don't want to risk the show.”

“Good luck then,” she says and kisses him on the cheek. He's happy and she is happy for him. Not for the first time he is grateful for his friends.

The week till Mexico is one of the happiest in his life. For the first time in their relationship, Sam and Cait have endless time for each other over a longer time span than just a couple of days. No early calls, no schedule for either of them. A whole week in paradise, as Sam calls it. Cait has a nice apartment, and it is like this beautiful bubble, where they can learn to live with each other for the first time. They talk, they laugh, they sit on her patio, reading and they make love whenever they feel like it, which is very often.

When the week is over, they both are sad to part.

“Fuck Mexico,” Sam murmurs. “I don't want to leave.”

A huge apology to all followers of my story. I had a computer crash and lost all that I had written so far. It was really hard to find the motivation to get back to writing after this. The following chapter is my struggle back into the story and I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway. I’ll try to update regularly again!

Hell in the city of Angels

The next month is hell. Sam isn't sure whether it is luck or tragedy, but they're separated for most of the filming. Sam is filming the worst scenes of the whole series. Jamie gets tortured and raped by Black Jack Randall and although he is grateful for the challenge of his acting, the stress of it and the emotional drain is slowly wearing him down. He comes home exhausted and it is getting harder and harder to shake off the feeling of sickness and depression, especially since Cait is not there. They haven't talked since they came home, at least not privately. Not once outside the few scenes they had to film with each other.

Sam feels her eyes resting on him when they part after each scene. More than once she comes after him, when he leaves the set, but he almost runs to his trailer, doesn't look around and closes the door behind him before she can reach him. He hasn't answered her phone calls or texts either.

He just can't.

It's not that he is pouting or that he wants to behave like a child, but he just can't talk to her. He doesn't know what to say and he's afraid he will break down and beg her to come back to him or – even worse – cry. Because that's how he feels. Utter despair has taken hold of him. He hasn't been as heartbroken over a breakup ever and he is feeling guilty. She wanted them to take things lightly. She wanted them to not rush into a relationship, because she knew the danger behind it all and yet he managed to fall in love with her head over heels and so completely that it left him unguarded and unprotected. Now he he has to pick up the pieces of his heart somehow without her noticing. Without anyone noticing. He goes to the gym daily, sometimes even twice a day. It's the only way to release part of the stress.

The wrap of the season comes and with it the wrap party. Sam is so relieved, that it is finally over, that he allows himself to get thoroughly drunk and so does Cait. And finally, with booze clouding his mind, they can chat and laugh with each other again. Their defences are down, everything is bathed in a warm light due to buzz and exhaustion. As the evening goes on, they inevitably get closer, drawn to each other like magnets. Not long and she cuddles into him, he has his arm around her, leans close to her, smells her perfume and breathes her in. He feels her hand on his thigh, her breast squashed into his chest and his own hand is resting at her waist, moving slowly down to her hip, spreading and pushing her closer to him. Ron takes a picture of them and many weeks later Sam will laugh about his expression and how utterly wasted he looks.

There's no way any of them is going home alone tonight. Sam knows it and Cait knows it, too. Luckily Maril is so drunk herself, that she doesn't notice anything around her any more, so when the two of them call it a night and say their goodbyes to everyone, no one seems to notice or care that they're leaving the party together. It's not the first time anyway after all. Davie drives them and that's a good thing, because he's more discrete than the other drivers and doesn't comment when Sam tells him he doesn't need to wait for him at Cait's flat. He just drives off and they stumble up the stairs to her apartment. They start kissing and making out before they even reach her door and almost break Cait's key in their drunken attempt to open her door while fumbling with their clothes.

Finally they get the door open and Sam closes it behind them with a bang that makes Cait giggle. They're a mess, leaving a trail of clothes behind them on their way to the bedroom, stumbling and fumbling drunkenly and giggling hysterically while bumping into furniture and the walls.

When they fall onto her bed a few seconds later, they both sigh. Sam is feeling slightly delirious, his mind is clouded by drink, by sensation, lust and love. He's kissing her sloppily, hungry, wet kisses on every part of skin he can reach. He can't get enough. His lips travel lower, suck at the underside of her breasts and lower still over her belly, her navel to her hip.

He can't remember later how it all ends, what he does, what she does, how they respond to each other, how they come together, how they join and then move with each other. But when it happens, it's completion. It's white light and explosion and starlight and it is the most powerful release he's ever had. He doesn't remember anything beyond that, just how they cling to each other and that he must have felt asleep like that. In a tight embrace, holding on for dear life.

The next morning he leaves before she wakes up. He leaves a message. It takes him ages to write it.

“Dear Cait” it says. “You want a break and I will respect that. I'm giving you space, if space it what you need. But I'm only a call away. I'll be in LA the next months. Love, Sam”

###

LA is it's usual self. Hot, dusty, huge. He's visiting friends. Amy and Lauren, of course and Luke and his girlfriend also fly over. They're having silly fun. He's drinking too much, partying too much, having too much sun. But he's also feeling more and more relaxed. Only now he is comprehending how much the long months of filming have worn him out and how much he has needed this break from Jamie. The fans go into a frenzy when he's filmed with Amy, trying out the “Dirty Dancing” lift in a pool. Sometimes he just doesn't get all the attention. What do they want from him? Amy is cool about it, thank God. She just shrugs it off, that all the sudden she is getting hate on social media and all because of him. “You're a star now, Babes,” she says and laughs, but he is embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Cait hasn't called, but she texts him from time to time. Friendly things, sometimes funny, sometimes just asking if he's OK and having fun. It's not deeply personal, but it's better than nothing. Of course he can't stop his heart to beat faster and jumping into his throat every time he sees a text from her. That much hasn't changed. He's waiting for her call, but less and less he is expecting it.

He snaps when he hears she is seen with a dark haired guy all the time. That's when he agrees to go to a few events with some girl he barely knows. His PR agent has advised him that he needs to be seen with a woman. He has always laughed such stuff off, but this time he goes to a Halloween party with the girl. It bombs. He's usually good with people and can talk to almost everyone, but he really has nothing to say to her nor has she to him. If it wasn't so annoying, he would laugh about her bored face on all the pictures. Unfortunately he has agreed to do at least three events with her and so he does, but he's convinced they both breathe a sigh of relief when they can go their separate ways again. He swears he won't do fake Hollywood relationship buzz again.

It's the moment he knows he has to go out of here. A few weeks in Los Angeles and he feels as if his identity is taken from him and the earth pulled from under his feet. It's unreal, fake and all political. He's longing for Scotland. For the nice bubble of filming and love, that he and Cait had for a while. Where has it disappeared to? What has he become?

So he flees for a bit. He drives to Big Sur, goes climbing. All alone and he finally can breathe again. He decides that the LA scene just isn't for him.

When he comes back it's time for the BAFTA tea. Sam is nervous and excited, because he knows he will see Cait again. He even can't contain himself and tweets “Guess, who I am gonna see tonight? #Sassenach” on twitter. The fans are delighted and it warms his heart to read their enthusiasm.

She is classy as always. And so beautiful it takes his breath away. Just a look at her and he is all back where he was, enchanted, entranced, in love. They can't really talk privately, but it is good to stand next to her, feel her smiling eyes on him, hear her laugh and smell her perfume. He wonders what goes on in her head. As usual she is better at hiding her feelings as he is. They have to be professionals and to answer questions and he later wonders what he said. His mind certainly wasn't in it, it was all with her. How beautiful she looks and how much he wants to talk to her. Really talk to her.

But then the party is over and before he's able to say something, she is hustled off by some people. Her friends are there, Karolyna, of course and Trouble, too. Also a dark haired guy, that Cait introduces to him off handedly as “Tony”. His heart feels like ice all the sudden. Is that him? Is that the guy he has heard about?

He bites the inside of his cheeks and musters a smile to all three of them. He knows he has a glass face when it comes to her. He won't show his disappointment, he has some pride after all. So, when Cait hugs him, he leans in in what he think is a casual manner and also manages to suppress the urge to kiss her neck, that is so invitingly close to his lips. He closes his eyes for only a second, then he straightens and smiles at her. This is it. Friends. He has to accept it.

بنت المختار لضابط الشرطة: “التحقتُ بالكادحين وعمري 10 سنوات، ولا يمكنك انتزاع اعتراف مني..”

سردت رئيسة منظمة النساء معيلات الأسر آمنة بنت المختار تفاصيل استجواب الشرطة لها عقب استدعائها مع عدد من النشطاء في نواكشوط.

وقالت بنت المختار إن التحقيق معها تركز حول الاجتماع الذي عقده أفراد من “التحالف من أجل إعادة تأسيس موريتانيا”، والذي تتولى بنت المختار منصب النائب الثاني لرئيسه.

وقالت بنت المختار إنها أكدت لضباط الأمن الذين استجوبوها أن الاجتماع انعقد في صالة في منزل، ولم يكن المشاركون فيه…

  Caught

Summer comes and the ending of the filming nears. But before they wrap up they go to Comic Con in San Diego and to their world premier. So far they have been in their Scottish bubble, filming mostly unrecognised in Scotland, far from the hype around the show, but the closer the premier date gets, the more nervous they are. How will the book fans react to the show? How will other viewers react? Will it be a success?

It's their first Comic Con, too. They've heard about it, the fans, the craziness, the fun, but they're still overwhelmed when they get there and fans get crazy wherever they see them. They joke about their huge body guards. "Big Al" and "Big Ben" are like giants and they're the biggest guys around so everyone can see them from very far. There are people dressed in kilts at the convention and they're shouting "Outlander" whenever they see one of the stars.

After the experience of LA in January, Sam is a little bit apprehensive how it will be between them with Ron and Diana around. Will Cait subtly put a little bit of distance between them while they're there? Or will she be as she is in Scotland now: Loving, warm and openly affectionate with him?

She is. This time he doesn't have to spend his nights alone in his room. They're lucky, their rooms are on the same floor and even next to each other. No problem at all to stay together without anyone noticing. The only thing they have to remember is setting their alarm bell very early in the morning so Sam can sneak back before Claire's stylist arrives, but he jokes their secret affair is good for his discipline, because he can't be tempted to skip his early workouts in the gym for another kind of workout.

"Even though I would love to," he adds, kissing her neck and down to her collarbone.

She chuckles sleepily. "You can play hokey when we are back in Glasgow. Now away with you, Tara is always punctual and you only have 5 minutes left."

He sighs and with a last kiss, that leaves them both wanting for more, he withdraws reluctantly and leaves. Tonight is the big night. Their premier The first time an audience will see the first episode of their show. It's the Highlight of their visit here and the mere thought of it gives him butterflies. But before the premier, they have a last panel in the morning and he has to hurry, if he wants to do a quick workout session and still be on time.

Walking the red carpet in the evening works perfectly. Sam is in a kilt and he knows he looks good. It gives him the confidence he needs not to be intimidated by the thought that the fans will see him as the iconic Jamier Fraser for the first time tonight. Cait is stunning as ever. Sam can barely take his eyes off her and more than once he has to check what his hands do, because the need to touch her is almost unbearable. There're several interviewers and he notices, that he gets more and more used to all the attention. While in LA in January, he felt still a bit on edge all the time, he is now much more relaxed and able to answer the questions confidently. The only person who still has the ability to make him blush is Cait. She's complimenting him in every interview and he is almost breathless how her eyes rest on him full of warmth and pride while she is doing it. He doesn't get tired of telling the journalists, how lucky he feels to work with her either. His heart is filled with her this evening, how much she means to him and how much they have achieved together. He knows he can't tell the world how he really feels about her, but he feels it very clearly tonight, even more than on any other day during the last months since Paris.

They sit next to each other in the theatre and the second the lights go out, Sam feels Cait's hand searching for his. He gives it a reassuring squeeze and holds it for the remaining hour while they're watching the first episode. They haven't watched it before either, so it's just as new to them as it is to the audience. It's good. It's really good. The emotion in the audience palpable, they sigh and laugh at the right moment and then Jamie appears for the first time and a murmur goes through the crowd and Cait squeezes his hand. "Awww," someone sighs and Sam feels his heartbeat speed up. They like him. They like Jamie! It's so important! He takes a deep breath. He wishes he could lean over and kiss Cait, but of course he can't, so he just holds her hand, his thumb stroking the outside of her fingers lightly.

Then it's over and the reaction is immediate. Applause roars and viewer after viewer stands up to give standing ovations. Sam feels goose flesh all over his body. Cait is beaming at him and he smiles back. "It's a success," she says and her eyes sparkle with tears. "They love it, Sam. They love it!"

There's a Q&A after the viewing, but Sam later can't say what was asked or said. It all passes very quickly and in a bit of a blur. He's too excited and too happy to take full notice of his surroundings. He wonders later if he made any sense at all.

Afterwards they all go to dinner and to celebrate. It's a wonderful evening, everyone is giddy with happiness and excitement. The later the evening gets though, the harder Sam finds it to hide his feelings for Cait. In fact he finds it hard to direct his eyes anywhere else but her face and when she is sitting next to him, he has to make a fist to keep his hand reaching out to touch her. They sit way too close, he knows it, but he hopes the others are too drunk to notice. He is a bit drunk himself, but it's just the nice, warm state of buzz, where your limbs go a bit heavy and everything is glowing around you. Cait is happily tipsy, too and that makes her even more ready to cuddle into him than normal. He can breathe in her unique smell. Expensive perfume mixes with her skin to a delicious combination that makes him want to kiss her so badly, that he has to bite the inside of his cheeks. He clears his throat and swallows and watches her red lips, smiling at him. Does she know what she's doing to him? Being drunk also makes her frisky, he knows, and that thought alone fuels the warmth spreading through him and settling nicely in the neither regions of his body. Her hand is on his thigh while she talks to Maril, who is sitting on his other side and Sam tries to look as nonchalant as possible, while his mind is searching for a way to get her out of the room and into bed with him as quickly as possible. She smiles at him again and raises an eyebrow. Oh yes, she knows.

He excuses himself and goes to the rest room. When he comes out of it she's standing at the wall, waiting for him.

"You are in trouble," he says. Taking a quick look around, he gently pushes her to the wall, pressing himself against her, letting her feel exactly what she does to him. She laughs and presses back, her arms finding the way around his neck.

"Trouble, huh?" she asks innocently. "What could you possible mean?"

He chuckles, kissing her thoroughly. "I'll show you," he then murmurs against her throat, "Later in your room."

Then Cait gasps and he knows instantly it is not because of his teeth scraping her neck lightly and it's also not because his hand has found it's way under the hem of her very short dress.

Slowly he raises his head, following her glance and he looks directly in the shocked face of Maril Davis.

xxxx

"OK guys," Maril says a few minutes later. She has given them no time for an explanation. Just shoved them into the next bar , away from the others, who are still celebrating in the dining room.

"Please tell me you're just drunk."

"We are," Cait says the same second as Sam says "We aren't."

Cait puts her head in her hands. "I'm sorry," she whispers.

Silence.

Maril orders drinks for them and for a while neither of them speaks.

Finally Maril puts her glass down. "Guys, I can't pretend, that this isn't serious. Because it is."

Sam wants to say something, but Maril shakes her head. "Let me just say this."

She looks at the glass in her hand and takes a deep breath. "You know I love you both. I do. And I'm not blind. I mean it is why we hired you, isn't it? Your chemistry is amazing for a reason. You just fit. Everyone who has worked with you guys has felt the attraction between you and it is beautiful!"

"But", she raises her eyes and looks directly at them. "It is dangerous. It's dangerous for the show, but it's also dangerous for yourself. You're right at the beginning now. Right now it is all exciting and fun and you're floating on a cloud of adrenaline. But this cloud won't hold. The fun will turn into serious work over the next months and hopefully years and you two will have to work long days with each other. The pressure will rise, as will the attention. If you two are a couple in real life, your relationship will be watched by millions of people and they will scrutinize it and gossip about it with every picture that is shot behind the scenes. Every scene you do will be watched with speculation. And imagine you'll break up? What then?"

Maril takes a sip and swallows. "Remember, guys, that you're at the beginning of your careers. This is your big breakthrough. Are you willing to risk it? Because that's what you do. Are you sure this is worth it? Risking your friendship, your career and the show over it? Are you sure you know what you're doing here?"

Before Sam or Caitriona can answer, she stands up and puts down her glass. "Don't answer me now. Think about it. Think about it and let me know what you decide."

Without another word she leaves.

xxxx

"She's right," Cait whispers later. She's lying in his arms and they're both staring at the ceiling. They're naked. They made love, urgently, desperately, but they're not happy.

After Maril leaves, they doesn't know what to say or what to do. At first they just sit there almost paralysed, drinking and staring hopelessly at each other. Then Sam throws the money for the drinks on the table, takes her hand and pulls her out of the bar, through the hall and directly up to their room. If they have to talk, they can't do it in public.

In their room Cait throws herself at him as soon as the door closes behind them and Sam responds immediately. Her dress is up in seconds and her knickers on the floor join his pants. He has her right there against the door, hard and hungry and desperate. They cling together afterwards, she has her legs around him and her face buried into his neck, he has his arms closed tightly around her, as if he never wants to let her go. He carries her over to the bed and let himself fall on it backwards, with her on top of him. He still doesn't let go and she sighs and snuggles even closer into him.

They don't talk. After a while Sam turns them around and starts to kiss her and she reciprocates. They kiss long and tenderly, they mouths soft on each other, eyes closed, tongues playing, lips touching and retreating. His hands are warm, framing her face, his long fingers gently in her hair. She sighs into him and he answers with even more tenderness. Without breaking their kiss he moves to enter her again and she opens up to him, welcoming his warmth and strength with a moan that is born deep down in her. They move slowly, unhurriedly, one rhythm, one breath, one body until they don't know where their own being ends and the other's begins.

And then they lie in each other's arms afterwards and Sam feels tears sting behind his eyes when Cait whispers: "She's right."

He wants to say so many things. "I love you," first of all, but he hasn't told her before. Only in her sleep so how can he do it now? The knot in his throat gets bigger and bigger and the words will not come. The words he so desperately needs to make her see, that the worst is losing each other, that nothing else can ever come close, that he needs her, that she needs him, too.

"We knew it from the start, didn't we? We knew it is a risk and she is right."

"It has worked so far though," he tries. His heart beats anxiously and his mouth is dry. "We can do it. We have managed through all these months..."

"You heard her, Sam! It won't get easier. In the contrary! It will be all get more and more difficult." She is crying now and it tears him apart to hear it. "This is my only chance to achieve an acting career, my one and only shot. I'm 35, there will be no other chances like this for me and this is what I wanted to do my whole life! I'm sorry..."

Her voice is pleading for him to understand and he does. He really does. "You've promised," a voice in his head tells him. "You've promised to let her go and remain to be her friend.

"So you mean we..." he can't even finish the sentence or he is sure he will cry. Cait nods, unable to speak as well. She takes a deep, shuddering breath. "We'll wrap in a month. Maybe we should take a break then. See how much we really mean to each other?"

Magical

The next months fly by. They're incredibly busy with filming the show and there is little time for anything but work. Cait has an even more gruelling schedule than Sam and he tries to be as supportive as he can in the little free time she has. When he's not filming himself, he cooks for her, helps her learning her lines for the next day and just tries to be helpful. It's good that he is from the same business, because he knows what she needs when she comes home late with an early morning call just a few hours away.

They have told their closest friends by now, or at least they implied that there's an affair. They're still reluctant to put a name on what there is between them and Cait especially is very careful not to let anyone at work know. Sam is sure Duncan suspects something, but he is nice enough not to ask or to remark on it.

It's weird when they have to film their big sex scenes. Sam needs a bit of time to relax, because he's incredibly nervous, that people might see something strange in the way he and Cait interact. Cait, while more determined on keeping their relationship a secret, is much cooler about it and he admires her for it. But then again he knows that every actor is probably nervous in the beginning when filming such scenes and so the crew probably doesn't find anything strange in his behaviour. He's very careful to be respectful to Cait and in the beginning he keeps to the choreography of the scenes almost religiously, until he notices, that Cait just forgets about choreography after a few takes and does what she wants and what is born in the moment. Once he relaxes enough to do the same, their scenes get much easier to film.

At one weekend Sam goes to London to meet his mates and that's when he tells Luke about Cait. His reaction is mostly concern. Just like Cait's best friends he warns about the dangers, about the influence this might have on their work, about the danger of them breaking up and falling out over it. Sam almost laughs about it. It's not as if they haven't talked about it and and even fought about it during the last months.

There's always the moment when Cait withdraws a bit, when she doesn't call for two days in a row after long filming days and doesn't come over either and these days leave Sam anxious and restless, because the one thing he knows in this madness now is, that he can't do it all without her. He can't help himself, he needs her. He needs her desperately in his life. When she is with him again after such a quiet day and she comes to him affectionate, warm and giving, his soul opens up like a flower does to light and water.

Then again there's the point when he suddenly needs space and air and time for himself and when he spends one of the rare free days they could have together with hiking and climbing Munros. In the past these "ego trips" as an ex girlfriend called them, were always a reason for arguments and for a bad atmosphere in the relationship. With Cait it is different. He thinks she doesn't just put a good front on it, but she really understands. She seems to know that he needs his freedom some times, to recharge and to be able to give again. So instead of making a face, she kisses him goodbye sleepily in the early morning hours, when he leaves for such a tour and she welcomes him back warmly into her arms, when he comes through the door that night, exhausted, sweaty, kissed by wind and sun and sometimes rain or storm but always ultimately happy.

The passion they have for each other doesn't lessen and that is something new for him, too. Even after a very long day and when he's feeling utterly shattered, he still finds himself wanting her constantly. A certain way to smile at him, the way she moves, her giggle, the way she plays with her hair when she talks to him sometimes, a glance she gives him over her shoulder and he's on fire. What is it that drives him so absolutely crazy about her? He can't put a finger on it, but his body's response to her is beyond everything he's ever experienced.

And then there are those magical moments, where he almost can't breathe from all the pent up emotion in him and when he feels like wanting to sweep her into his arms and run away with her. Or ask her to marry him. Or just take her up against that huge rock and fuck her senseless. Or just worship her with kisses. Or just laugh with her and talk with her through the night. A moment like the one when they climb North Berwick Law together.

They're filming on location in East Lothian and they're staying in a little hotel near the coast. A surprisingly short filming day sees them with unexpected free time in the afternoon and that's when Sam proposes to walk to the top of the mountain that they can see from their hotel.

"Are you mad?" Cait asks, a sceptical brow raised. "This looks bloody exhausting for a free afternoon."

"Come on, you'll love it," he teases. "I bet the view is terrific from up there."

She's not completely against it, he can see it and he's eager to show her how beautiful it is to climb to the top of a hill. "I'll give you a feet rub later, I promise," he grins. "And a massage, too. Like a real athlete."

That makes her laugh. The truth is she just can't resist him any more than he can resist her and he knows it, so she finally shrugs her shoulders and agrees.

They drive to the foot of the mountain and park their car. Since it's already late in the afternoon there seem to be no other tourists there, they're all alone on their way up. It's a short, steep walk and Cait is jokingly threatening him with all kind of horrors that she will do to him later, because the only shoes she has with her are a pair of boots with heels, which is not the best footwork for a climb, even a short one.

Still half an hour later they're already at the top and the view is indeed breathtaking. Sam watches enchanted how excited Cait is about being able to spot Edinburgh Castle. Her hair is flying around her face, her cheeks are rosy from the wind and her eyes are sparkling. Sam is sure he has never seen her more beautiful. They take two selfies and post them to twitter and then they just stay at the top, Sam with his arms wrapped around her and they take in the view while the sun starts going down.

They finally decide, that they have to start their descent if they don't want to be caught by darkness. Hand in hand they walk down. They don't talk much, but each time they catch each other's eyes, they smile.

It's already dark when they get to their hotel. Usually when they're filming on location, they meet with other cast and crew members in the evening and hang out a bit, but by silent agreement they avoid the bar and sneak in unseen and to Cait's room. After a long shower, she gets her feet rub and the promised massage and naturally things lead to more. Much more and it has them both lying on their back, panting afterwards and grinning at each other like idiots.

"Thank you," Cait whispers to him later. "It was a magical day."

He kisses her softly and she spoons her body into him, closing her eyes.

"No, thank you," he whispers back. He strokes the soft skin of her bare shoulders, breathing in the smell of her hair and smiles. Magical is the right word. Whatever he has with her, it is magical. He listens to her even breathing and there's a certainty in him, that has never been there before.

City of Loneliness

Sam doesn't know what he thought their time in LA would be like. He didn't think he would spend the first night alone in his hotel room though. She is apologetic about it when they talk about the hotel phone and he is understanding, but he feels bad and alone anyway. He had thought they would be in this experience together.

It starts right when they leave Scotland. They fly on different planes, because that's how the studio booked it. Sam is flying with Ron, it's an enjoyable flight. He is still unused to the comfort of flying business and being able to stretch out his long legs and not be crammed into a much too tight space. They drink a bit of Whiskey and they talk a lot about the show, Star Trek and what awaits them at the TCA press panel, so the time passes enjoyable. He would have preferred to fly with Cait anyway.

When he checks into his hotel after their arrival in LA, he asks for Cait and hears she has already arrived. With a slight feeling of annoyance, he notices, that their rooms are two floors apart, but of course they can't say anything about that. No one knows of their relationship after all.

After a shower he dials her room number, but she doesn't answer. He unpacks some of his things, gets dressed and decides that he will go and knock on her door. Maybe they can grab something to eat nearby, he's hungry. Business class or not, plane food is still bad.

She's not there and he starts to wonder where she might be? Did she really arrive already? Was the friendly guy at the reception right about that? He tries texting her. "Where are you? Call me." and decides to go for lunch alone then.

He buys a newspaper on his way out of the hotel. After a little bit of searching he finds a café that looks promising. He sits down and starts reading, but he isn't really paying attention. He is still puzzled. The receptionist told him again, that Cait arrived about an hour before him and so he wonders where she might be? Why didn't she leave a message?

50 minutes later he is on his way back to the hotel, when his phone buzzes. "Cait?"

"I'm sorry, Sam," he hears her voice over the phone. "Karolyna surprised me at the airport. She has planned this party for me tonight. I'm actually in her rest room now, because I couldn't think of an excuse why I had to call you so urgently."

His heart sinks. He had been looking forward to their first evening here together. A little breather before the hustle of the TCA tomorrow. He has never experienced anything like that, he was hoping to talk about it with her beforehand.

But it's not her fault of course. None of her friends know about him and they're of course excited to have her back for a few days. It's understandable and he tries his best to swallow his disappointment. She feels it though, he can hear it in her voice when she asks him if he will be OK?

"Of course," he says bravely. "Enjoy the evening."

Obviously he has done a good job, because she sounds a bit more cheerful in her next sentence. "I told them we will have an early start tomorrow, so I won't be back too late."

"Call me," he says. "No matter how late, OK? I just wanna know that you got here safely."

She promises to do that and ends the call. He stares at his phone for second and ponders what he's going to do with the rest of the day. He could call Amy? She's a good friend, he has even lived with her and two other friends for a while. It would be a good opportunity to see her, because she would be certainly mad if they didn't find the time to meet when he's in LA. He tries her number, but she's not at home. He leaves a message. Then he decides he will try the hotel's gym. A workout is a good way to clear his head and with luck it will wear him out enough, so he will be happy to just stay in his room later and watch TV.

Working out proves to be a good choice. He feels much better afterwards. It's indeed early when Cait calls him at half past eight, that she's in her room now. She sounds so knackered though, that he asks her if she wants to go straight to bed and she gladly accepts.

Sam lies awake for a long time. Jet lag, excitement and a the nagging feeling of uneasiness. He can't quite put his finger on it, but he feels something is wrong. He battles with himself for a while to go to Cait's room, but it's two floors away and he doesn't know if she would be okay with it. She's probably already asleep?

  He turns from one side to the other, wishing she was here. Just to feel her lying next to him would be nice. They have slept in each other's arms nearly every night since New Year and he's amazed how fast he has become used to it. He misses her terribly. Her warmth, her smell enveloping him, the feel of her body spooning into his. He turns again, groaning. He's wide awake.

What if she feels the same? Maybe she can't sleep either?

Before he has formed a conscious decision, his body has made it for him. He's halfway through his room, before he knows where he is going.

She opens her door almost immediately after his soft knock and his heart lifts when she smiles at seeing him. Sam sighs and encloses her in his arms. "I couldn't sleep," he murmurs apologetically into her hair. "I'm sorry if I woke you up."

Suddenly all is well. Without a word she takes his hand and drags him with her to the large bed in the middle of the room. When they get under the cover together and she snuggles into him, he feels better instantly. His last thought before sleep takes over is, that it is like coming home.

The next day is insane. Sam barely manages to sneak out of the room, before Cait's stylist and Make up artist arrive and his stylist is already in front of his room when he gets there. Sam murmurs something about "gym" and hopes he isn't as pink in the face as he feels. They really should have set their alarm earlier.

Or maybe not have given into temptation of a prolonged session of glorious morning sex on a morning when they're under a lot of time pressure?

But then again, she was so cute and irresistible, he just couldn't help wanting her like crazy and she could have been a little less responsive, right?

Sam becomes aware that he is grinning and that the stylist has been saying something to him, obviously waiting for a response. He clears his throat and says. "Sorry, what was it you were saying?"

They decide on a kilt for the TCA panel. The Scottishnesof the show is important. Fans of the books will love it and they are the people who's interest has to be stirred. The buzz about the show among the book readers is already huge and the excitement is supposed to mount until the show will premiere in the fall. That's a long way from now and they don't have anything to show to press or fans yet. They have to relate on Scotland, their good looks and their own wit and charm to promote the show as best as they can.

After the panel there's one press interview after the next. Everyone is very nice, the questions are always the same and after the first few Sam feels himself relaxing. It's not that difficult. He can feel that it's the same for Cait, who's smile becomes more and more genuine and sparkling over the day. During a short coffee break they wonder if they will meet these people and answer these kind of questions for the next few years in a row. If the show becomes the success they hope it will be, it is possible.

When they finally come back to their hotel that night, Amy has called. She is excited he is in town and would like to meet. A look at his schedule tells him though, that there won't be the time any more. He calls her and is sad when he hears her disappointment, but he knows there will be another long day tomorrow and then they'll leave the day after. There's no way to fit it in, even if it is just a short visit.

He has just ended his call, when his phone buzzes. It's Cait.

"Hey," he says. "Have you eaten something yet? I was thinking of the restaurant here in the hotel..."

She interrupts him. "I'm sorry, Sam. Karolyna just called. She's coming over for dinner. I said I can't come to her place again, because I'm so knackered, but she said she will drive here instead..."

He swallows. "OK," he finally says. In his head he is asking why she doesn't introduce him to her best friend? He knows she hasn't seen Karolyna for a while and probably won't see her for months, but... He doesn't ask. He said he would give her space so he will give her space. And they both said they would keep their relationship a secret for a while. Still...

She probably hears, that he's not happy, but for once he doesn't care. He ends the call by wishing her a good time, he's not that much of a jerk after all, but she must have heard in his voice, that he is angry and disappointed. Second evening in a row where he will sit alone his hotel room with nothing to do and no one to talk to. He sighs and decides that he will go to the gym again. It always helps. And he will not go to her room tonight. If she wants to be with him, she has to come to him.

She doesn't.

Next day is the fan event. They only meet when the car that will take them to the event is already there. She's looking fantastic in a purple dress and the butterflies in his stomach are immediately there. He can't help it.

She smiles when she sees him, but doesn't say anything and he wonders how to get at ease with her again. But then she turns to him, the minute the car starts rolling and pulls him towards her, kissing him thoroughly and he returns it just as enthusiastically. "I missed you," she murmured and his heart sours. "Not as much as I did," he manages between kisses. "I thought you would come over," he then adds when they both come up for air.

"Couldn't," she says. "Karolyna stayed over, since it got so late."

Too soon they have to withdraw from each other, because the car slows down. Cait reapplies her lipstick and gives him a critical loo.

"You should wipe that off," she grins and points at his upper lip. "Otherwise people will wonder."

He does so, when they get out of the car, but he realizes, that part of him would love to leave it. He sighs. Hiding their relationship is harder than he had thought.

The fan event is fun. The fans seem to be so enthusiastic and very welcome to them as actors of their favourite characters. Cait is sparkling and he can't help looking at her at every possible moment. They laugh and flirt and the fans seem to love it, so they do it a bit more.

After the fan event, they meet some fans outside and write autographs for them. It's a great feeling and a first for them both. They both don't have too much experience with fame so far, being only in small productions. It's weird to be admired all the sudden, but also exciting.

They both talk about it on their way back to the hotel. Sam doesn't ask what she's going to do tonight. He doesn't want to be disappointed again. If it's gym again, it will be gym again, he thinks. Nothing bad about working out anyway. Looking at her, seeing her return his smile, he knows everything is al right between them. Tomorrow they'll fly back and in Scotland everything will be easier. Less hype and less secrecy. He's looking forward to it.

He's prepared for her to tell him she's doing something with her friends again, when they arrive at the hotel, but when the elevator door closes behind them, she turns to him with a grin.

"What do you say? Room service?" she asks and her voice has that special tone, that he knows so very well by now and that causes heat rushing through him from head to toe.

"No other plans?" he asks anyway while he pulls her towards him. "Won't Karolyna be disappointed?"

She blushes. "I confessed," she murmurs. "You don't mind, do you? She's my best friend."

He shakes his head and kisses her until the elevator stops on her floor. "Not at all," he says. "May I tell Luke, too?"

She laughs and pulls him out of the eleveator and towards her room. He follows willingly and with a grin on his face.

In her room she turns around and puts her arms around his neck

"Secrecy is all good and well," she whispers. "But not when it separates me from you."

Due to the recent events, I really thought about whether I should conitinue writing this story. I've decided, that I will. I hope it is clear enough, that it is a fantasy. I'm using real people's names, but for me they're turning into fictional characters. No offense is intended and I there's a line I'm not going to cross. 

Longing over Christmas.

The day after they come back from Paris, Caitriona leaves for Ireland to celebrate Christmas and NYE with her family. Sam knew beforehand they wouldn't see each other for almost two weeks. What he didn't count on: How much he would miss her.

The first days are the worst. He feels like a caged animal all the sudden. He goes to the gym a lot, working out like crazy. John gives him the sideye, but doesn't say anything. When he's not working out, Sam tries to catch up on everything he didn't find the time for during the last and exhausting months of filming. He meets with several friends whom he hasn't seen for ages, because of his gruelling schedule over the last months. It's fun to see his mates again, but it is also difficult. They want to know about his new job and they tease him about the sex scenes he's supposed to have with his beautiful co-star. Sam hopes he's not as pink in his face as he feels, but then he laughs with them good naturedly. He changes the topic at first opportunity.

In truth he lives for his daily face timing with her. They only casually said they would face time and text over the week, but in the end it's every day and it's get harder and harder for him to end their talks, because it's the highlight of his day. Some days they continue by texting deep into the night and he falls asleep with his mobile still in his hand, clutched to his heart.

Christmas day he drives to his mother and spends the day with his family. It's nice, but again it's difficult not to talk about Caitriona. His heart feels so full of her and naturally the show is a huge topic for his family, too. They want to know how it is working with the new colleagues, especially his female co-star and he would love to tell them, but is afraid to say too much and reveal his feelings. So he remains non committal and strangely tied lipped about her and when he drives home on boxing day morning, he wonders if they will worry he doesn't like her at all.

He hasn't made any plans for New year. He had thought about meeting up with Luke and Matt to celebrate it in London, but they haven't really talked about it. There are other friends he could call, but he is still delaying it without real reason. If he's honest, he doesn't feel like it. The only person he really longs to be around is Cait. He's astonished how much he misses her and he wonders if it would scare the hell out of her, if she knew. He wonders if she misses him, too.

When she calls him two days before New year, she asks about his plans and he has to admit, that he has none. He tells her he will just stay at home, binge watch a show, drink a bit of Laphroaig and reflect on the last crazy year.

"Can I come?" she asks and for a second he doesn't trust his voice before he answers, that yes, of course she can, that he would be delighted and why she is changing her plans, when she had initially planned to stay in Ireland? He hears in her laugh, that despite all his efforts he's Probably sounding abit overexcited, but when she answers she doesn't sound any less enthusiastic. "I miss Eddie," she says. "And actually I miss you, too." He is sure his heart stops at that moment.

She tells him, she will fly into Glasgow the morning of the 31st and he tells her he will be at the airport, but she says he better not. The chance that anyone is going to recognize them is small, but she doesn't want to risk it. She tells him she will go home by herself, see Eddie and then come over to his flat around seven.

The next day seems to be endless. He leaves for the gym very early, because he can't sleep any more. After a long and hard session he drives home to shower and then he goes and buys groceries for the next day. In the afternoon he is lucky, because Duncan calls and they meet in a pub for a few drinks. "How's Cait doing?" Duncan asks casually and not for the first time Sam wonders what he knows. "She's in Ireland," he says. "But coming home soon." He doesn't add, that they will see each other tomorrow, but he is sure his face reveals it all and so he tries to cover it by raising his pint to drink.

They part very late that night and so Sam sleeps in the next morning. When he finally wakes up, it's already past the time Cait's flight was bound to land. He checks with the airport quickly and sees that the plane arrived safely. He battles with himself to call her, but then decides against it and only texts her: "Happy to be home?"

She sends a kissing emoji and he feels ridiculously happy about it.

She's punctual as usual and so two minutes to seven his door bell rings. His heart is hammering in his chest when he goes to open the door. Unsure how to greet her, he just smiles, but she isn't as shy and flings herself at him instantly. He closes his arms around her and then they're kissing like crazy. Dimly he is aware that the door is still open and he closes it with his foot.

He doesn't know how long they kiss or how they end up in the living room and on his sofa for that matter. He only becomes aware of his surroundings again, when she raises her head and crinkles her nose. "I think something is burning," she remarks.

"The Lasagne!" he cries out and with a swift movement he lifts her from his body. "I hope it's not ruined!"

Thank god it isn't. The cheese is a tad darker than it should, but she assures him, with laughter in her voice, that she loves it that way. He has already laid the table, so they sit down and eat. She has brought a bottle of wine with her. She tells him it's a present from a friend who is a big wine expert They agree that it is delicious. She entertains him with stories about her Christmas. Right in the middle of a sentence, she takes his hand in his and he closes his fingers around hers, changing his fork to the other side and eating one handed which she acknowledges with a smile.

He tells her about his friends and family and that it was a bit difficult to talk about the show without giving them away. She agrees and says it is one reason she came back early. It just was exhausting. "And I thought it would be nice to have a few days here, before we have to go to LA," she adds.

He leans over and kisses her. Her mouth is warm and delicious, tasting of the excellent wine they had. She is responding to his kiss and quickly they decide that dinner is over and that they should move to the couch. They turn on the TV, but they don't really watch, too much occupied with each other to care. They're both still fully dress, but their hands are wandering more and more and starting to explore under layers of clothing. Sam is incredibly turned on. "Let's move this to another room?" he suggests and she nods in approval.

At midnight they watch the fireworks over the city from his window, wrapped in a blanket, both reflecting silently on the exciting year they had and the big change in their life, that lies before them.