#adhesions

you know one of the things i loved most about this world is food. my love has been tested numerous times with this crohn’s disease but i didn’t give up, i didn’t want to be in that place where i fear food (which i know sounds so idiotic because food is comfort for most of us)

i had surgery where they took out some of my intestines because it was in a really bad place, like doctors looked at it and were shocked. for a year or so i was doing pretty good, but then came the first bowel obstruction, imagine labor pains (which thankfully i still hadn’t gone through i’d like to avoid being a teen mom thank you very much) but so much worse, at least that’s what people who’ve gone through both tell me. they had to do another surgery (after a full day of agony and doctors not believing it’s not crohn’s pains which is hilarious i've had crohn’s for 8 years I KNOW my crohn’s pains) and apparently the obstruction was caused by adhesions. now, as an avid (yet ashamed) grey’s anatomy watcher i never paid that much  attention when they talk about adhesions. adhesions form after any surgery 93% of the time, it’s a type of scar tissue- the way your body heals. most of which do not cause any problems. then there’s lucky bunch who do experience problems. it can be pain, pulling sensation, discomfort, and in some cases, you guessed it- bowel obstruction (when it’s an abdominal surgery, i’m not saying you can get it if you had your knee replaced). so there i was, after my second emergency surgery, terrified beyond belief at what my body just went through, and the doctors say it can happen again and there’s nothing to do about it, just avoid eating fibers and hope for the best because well that’s life. so a year and two partial obstructions later (fun times) i have another one. this time i’m not a rookie, i can tell it’s happening. i can feel it. this one happened after i gained confidence in eating- and had an apple and some nuts. you know the saying- an apple a day keeps the doctor away? i can, without a doubt ensure you that it’s not the case. i managed through it without being admitted to the hospital and was put on a month of liquid diet to restore my system (and avoid surgery since it’s the cause of the issue). again- so much fun. now i’m allowed to eat eggs, chicken fish and some potatoes. i thought i’d be happy to eat again but i’m mostly terrified. every time i eat i’m consumed with fear. it’s like a ticking time bomb. 

i know i should be grateful that it’s not worse but damn it, i’m just tired. it can feel so lonely, and like i know this is superficial but who’d want to date someone like that?