One of the biggest problems I have with relaxation is that I cannot ever do only relaxation for an undefined amount of time with no consequences. I cannot do a key piece of relaxing, which is to not worry about how long you are doing it.
Instead I am always multitasking my leisure time. I slot it in between loads of laundry or in the last hour before I go to bed. Except no, I don't. I can't, because if I do anything more than scrolling socials, I could get sucked in to feeling joy and completely miss my deadlines or fail my other tasks. Scrolling socials let's me actively keep an eye on the time, even though it's a boring and anxiety-producing activity. At least I won't accidentally play my video game for 2 hours instead of 30 minutes and forget my clothes in the wash. At least I won't be interrupted by the alarm I set to remind me to stop having fun and then feel guilty for snoozing it. At least I know exactly how much time I am wasting doing nothing productive, nothing that truly feels good, nothing fulfilling but still technically not my work, because I can glance up at the time on the top of my phone every few minutes.
At least I'm not ripped out of my book in the middle of the best part. At least I'm not 4 episodes into an excellent new show only to find out that tomorrow is going to be physically painfully because I missed bedtime. At least I'm dissatisfied and poorly rested and honestly still feeling guilty about it. Isn't that better?
Now let's get up and go back to checking off those chores!
