#adhd kit

"It's not nearly as dangerous as what we attempted with Livvy before!" Ty protested. "Placing her essence in a new body, the body of thule Livvy isn't necromancy. Not technically. And it'll work this time. I know it will!"

Kit was gonna kill him.

Ok well no, they probably weren't. Obviously they could never hurt Ty. But right now they were physically fighting the urge.

Kit buried his head in his hands and groaned in frustration, gripping at his curls. "How?" Kit lifted his head."How the fuck could you possibly know that? Or are you just hoping that wishing it will make it true like you always do?!"

Ok that was a little harsh. But Kit could feel the last of their self control breaking as pure rage boiled through their blood. It was like wildfire. And the warmth of the flames felt strangely comforting.

Ty stared back at Kit with a mixture of rage and horror. "So you think that I'm just delusional then!?" He asked. His voice was eerily calm. Then he smirked slightly, it was an expression completely devoid of any warmth or love.

"Well at least I'm not a coward."

That did it. That was the final straw.

Kit didn't even hesitate a signal second before he fired back.

"Fuck you!" They shouted, jumping to their feet. "You know what?  Fuck you and your selfish, self centered, egotistical, nephilum ass! Fuck you for never listening, fuck you for thinking you're always right and fuck you for making me fall in love with you!" Kit's voice broke at the end of their sentence as they fought the urge to cry.

"Go on and get yourself killed, then," Kit yelled thoughtlessly. "See if I give a shit! I don't!"

The realization of what he had just said finally sunk in after some delay, but it was too late. Ty was staring at him almost in a daze, looking completely and utterly devastated. His eyes were full of tears.

Ty shook his head in disbelief, then turned his back on Kit and stormed out of the room.

Fuck. Kit stared at the empty spot where Ty once stood in shock, completely frozen.

Why the hell did I say those things?

Sure Ty had been out of line, but blowing up at him like that was just cruel.

Kit had no idea how long he stood there. Minutes? Hours?

It honestly felt like days.

"Oh god," Kit whispered, heart sinking. "Ty." They immediately shook themself out of their daze and frantically ran out of the library. Ty would probably go to the roof, or maybe to his room.

What if he never forgives me? A nasty nagging voice inside the back of Kit's head whispered.

It didn't matter though. He still had to try. Kit was so focused on rushing up the stairs, he didn't notice Dru until he bashed straight into her causing her to shout.

"Sorry," Kit exclaimed breathlessly. Dru fixed her gaze on them with a cold stare.

So she had most likely heard them. Great.

"I kind of lost it with Ty," Kit explained. "That's why I need to go fix it so, please?" He gave her a pointed look, looking past her and then back to the space she was blocking off.

Dru laughed coldly. "Kind of? Kind of! Oh so we're comfortable with our use of the phrase kind of, are we?

Kit gulped. "I'm sorry. Really I am, it's just that sometimes I just get so mad I.." They trailed off. Kit didn't exactly know how to phrase it. It was as if their emotions completely overtook them and all of a sudden they were just reacting without even meaning to.

Dru sighed. "I know you're sorry" she said matter-of-factly. "Just don't do it again." She moved out of Kit's way.

"Thank you." He breathed a sigh of relief, rushing past her. Kit raced down the hallway before suddenly stopping at Ty's closed doorway. Kit could tell from the light coming through the crack under the door that Ty was inside.

Kit paused, mentally preparing themself for whatever Ty's response would be to seeing them at the door. Ty's forgiveness was notoriously hard to obtain and Kit knew he was probably still angry.

But you have to try. He reminded himself.

Kit took a deep breath and knocked lightly on the door. "Ty?" He called out softly. "Can we talk? Please?"

Kit heard the soft sound of voices on the other side of the door. More than one. Ty was probably talking to Livvy.

Or more accurately, Livvy's rapidly fading ghost that would soon be non-existent unless Kit let Ty put her somewhere more permanent. Like inside of the other dead Livvy's corpse which was currently on ice while the three of them debated over whether it was a reasonable idea.

And as much as Kit was going to miss Livvy being gone, like really gone, they just couldn't let Ty be in that kind of danger again. And there was no way in hell anyone else would attempt it.

"Go away." Ty's voice sounded harsh and raw like he had been crying. Kit's heart broke.

"Please sweetheart just let me in," Kit pleaded. "I wanna apologize."

More furious whispering. Were Ty and Livvy arguing? Finally Kit heard movement behind the door and then it swung open to reveal a disheveled looking Ty. His hair was adorably messy and he was wearing a giant fuzzy blanket draped over his shoulders.

Kit looked behind him but Livvy was already gone.

Ty raised an eyebrow at Kit expectantly. "So? Talk."

He shivered slightly under Ty's piercing gaze. "I'm really sorry," Kit whispered. "I have no idea why I said those things. I was totally out of line."

"Did you mean them?"

Kit met Ty's gaze with surprise. He didn't look angry, just serious.

And maybe a little afraid.

Kit sighed. They began to fidget absentmindedly with their sleeve.

"I don't know? Maybe a little?" He admitted. "But not like in the way I said it you know?"

Ty stared blankly at Kit.

"I just-" Kit leaned back against the doorframe, shifting their weight. "I just feel so powerless sometimes. Like you get an idea that I'm positive will lead to you getting killed, and I'm terrified for you." They explained. "Not because I don't believe in you, or think that you're incredibly capable because you are, but because I can't lose you Ty."

Kit realized he was crying again. His emotions had gone so many places in the last half an hour or so. He was exhausted. Ty cautiously reached for Kit's hand, interlacing their fingers and squeezing tightly.

Kit breathed a sigh of relief. They always communicated best when they were skin to skin. "And then when you don't listen to me-" they continued, "I just feel really useless."

Ty squeezed Kit's hand. "I'm sorry," he murmered. "I wasn't trying to scare you or make you feel useless. I just have a hard time letting things go."

Kit snorted. Yeah no shit.

Ty glanced down. "I didn't want to let her go, I still don't. But the truth is, I know you're right."

Kit smiled at him slightly. "So I'm not a coward then?" He asked, attempting to keep his tone light despite the fact that Kit was still a little hurt.

Ty's head snapped up, eyes widening in realization. "Of course not!" He protested. "Kit you're the bravest person I've ever met." Ty reached out with his free hand and striked Kit's cheek.

Kit's heart melted as all lingering feelings of hurt or resentment washed away and all that was left was love. Pure burning adoration inside their chest. Like a spark that started small and then spread, engulfing their heart in flames.

It was powerful, sometimes even too powerful. Sometimes painful. But Kit never let that stop them.

"Come here." Kit carefully pushed Ty's security blanket off his shoulders and gently tugged him towards foward, wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing him tenderly. It was both an apology and a declaration.

Kit tried to push everything he was feeling that he couldn't bring himself to say into the caress of his lips against Ty's.

Forgive me. I love you. You are everything to me. I missed you so much even though it's only been a few minutes. Or maybe it's been hours.

Kit had never had any sense of time. Why should now be any different?

As much as they tried to stay lost in the heat of Ty's mouth and the urgency of his wandering hands. Kit couldn't help but fixate on that familiar worry. That nagging thought at the back of their mind.

There's something wrong with me.

Wrong in the sense of how he blew up at Ty and how he always felt everything so intensely. How he always completely lost control of his emotions as they consumed him. Wrong like how he always reacted too quickly and too extreme without thinking things through. Wrong like how he couldn't remember to fucking eat.

Or like how Kit was late for the hundredth time or how they forgot Tessa's birthday or when they were reading that book or playing that game and then the next thing they knew it was morning and they didn't sleep.

Wrong like how sometimes Kit felt like he was going at a million miles a minute and leaving everything else behind and he would try and grab onto to something but it never worked. And other times he was just fucking stuck.

Stuck.

Stuck. And then they were just left with the piles of dirty dishes and unfinished paper work and the promises.

The promises you swore, you absolutely swore you were gonna keep and you fucking tried but then you couldn't.

Everybody was always asking why. Why? Why do you keep doing this? How did this happen? How could you let this happen?

Kit never had an answer for them.

He reluctantly broke the kiss, but refused to let go of Ty. He nervously began tapping a pattern against Ty's chest as he thought of what to say. Ty smiled at Kit adoringly and repeated the same pattern on Kit's hand.

"I guess I've picked a few things up from you," Kit laughed.

Ty stared at him matter of factly. "Actually I think you have ADHD," he said.

Kit couldn't help it, their mouth fell open in shock. "What?"

That didn't make any sense.

"But.. but that's impossible," Kit stammered. "I'm not like..super hyper, like bouncing off the walls or anything you know?" He ran his fingers nervously through his curls. "You know I'm usually quite stationary."

Ty gave them one of those looks that meant Kit wasn't picking up on something he thought was terribly obvious. Kit could never find it in their heart to be annoyed though. It was kind of adorable.

"Actually," Ty said. "You aren't always. In fact you seem to be fidgeting a lot right now. And being extremely hyper is just one of the many more stereotypical traits of ADHD. You aren't hyper just like I am not a mathematical genius."

"But-" Kit protested, Ty cut him off.

"Executive dysfunction, impulsivity, issues regulating emotions, hyperfixations," Ty counted on his fingers. "You have problems focusing, at meetings, during training and even during everyday conversations. You don't absorb anything during lessons-"

"Hey alright I get it ok?!" Kit snapped. "You can stop."

Ty gave them a sympathetic look. "And you can't handle any perceived rejection."

Kit was frozen in shock, coupled with the sinking realization that Ty was right. Ty was usually right. But this...

"What does this mean?" Kit asked. His voice sounded small and far away.

Ty must have sensed Kit's fear because he pulled Kit into his arms, squeezing him tight. "It means whatever you want it to mean," he said gently. "There's medication you can take if you want to, but it's your choice. You don't have to."

Kit's stomach clenched. "I don't want anything to change." They whispered. "I don't want to change."

Ty sighed and rested his forehead on the top of Kit's head. "Listen...Watson, what you're doing, what you have been doing for the past nearly two decades just simply isn't sustainable. You're slipping. Something has to change. I'm not suggesting that you need to change who you are, I would never do that. But can you honestly tell me that there is nothing about the way your life currently is that you wouldn't want to change?"

Kit squeezed their grip on Ty's sweater even tighter. It seemed almost impossible. A life where they got out of bed on time every morning and didn't forget to eat or shower and actually got their work done. A life where Kit could be focused and disciplined and achieve things without feeling like they were wading through molasses.

A life where things were easy? Was that even possible?

And yeah sure, he enjoyed that feeling of becoming so utterly in love with something it completely enveloped every part of him. Discovering a new song and feelings it vibrate through him, traveling through his skull and tickling down his spine. Playing it over and over and over again just to feel that same rush.

But Kit didn't like feeling like this. Like a mess.

"I feel so pathetic," they whispered, not meeting Ty's eyes.

Ty gave Kit a squeeze. "I understand how you feel. It isn't easy, acknowledging your limitations. Knowing that there are some things that you'll never be able to do without help. Or at all. It can make you feel broken. But you aren't broken, alright?

He pulled back slightly, looking Kit in the eyes. It was an incredibly significant gesture seeing as Kit knew how much Ty hated eye contact.

"I need help," Kit finally admitted. "I need someone to help me." He paused. "I need you to help me."

Ty looked at them carefully. He didn't look upset or disappointed or any of the things Kit was afraid of. Ty just smiled. It wasn't what Kit would classify as one of his "sunrise over the water smiles." It was more like a soft sunset. A subtle yet peaceful and soothing reminder that no matter how bleak things got for Kit, there would always be beauty in this world.

"Of course I'll help you." Ty said. "I've been doing some research. There's this thing called a body double. Basically someone who reminds you to get up at a certain time and eat or do other things and sits with you while you do your work and basically makes sure you actually do it." Ty lightly kissed his forehead. "I could be your body double."

Kit's heart warmed. "Are you sure you wouldn't get bored?"

Ty tenderly cupped their face in his hands. A gesture that never failed to make Kit feel so full of light and love that they worried they would split down the middle and burst open. But it didn't scare them anymore. Kit just felt love.

Ty grinned at him. "I don't mind if it's you."

The two lines from the books are pretty easy to recognize so I don't think I need to list them.