#addled-egg

also, I hope that things get better for you soon and that tomorrow will be a better day <3

i do!!!! i love them both so dearly!!!!!!

carcrash (henry/driver)

i think carcrash is one of those relationships where they’re kind of terrible for each other in the sense that they’re both so unstable and traumatised and guilty, have so much weight on their shoulders that it’s next to impossible to be the stability the other needs (though they always try) — but it also means that they understand each other on such a deep level.

henry’s used to pitying concern when he’s having a crying shaking breakdown, muttering about how it’s all his fault, but driver is quiet and practical. he’s logic in the face of henry’s distress, quietly telling him what he could or couldn’t have done differently, if it would’ve changed anything, and telling him that it’s okay anyway. what happened happened, whatever it was — whether henry’s talking about the crash or a painting or an assignment he failed — and they’re both here now.

henry is obsessed with driver’s scars. it’s rooted in concern, really, the cloying guilt that driver was hurt so badly so many times before henry knew him, but it manifests in artistic fascination. henry paints abstract landscapes in the shapes of the scars up driver’s back, of the knot of scar tissue over driver’s gut — the stab wound that driver emotionlessly admitted was the closest he’s ever been to death. henry is terrified of driver dying. he wakes up hysterical from nightmares about it and has to hold driver to his chest for hours afterwards, listening to him breathe. it’s one of the few places driver will fall asleep.

driver, in sharp contrast, is utterly disinterested in henry’s scars. all the awful scars from the crash, the ones people stare at, and the self-harm scars up his wrists and thighs, the thick awful burns and cuts from henry learning which pain he liked more. driver doesn’t care. henry knows doesn’t care isn’t the right way to put it, but it’s the most soothing thought. driver cares about the hurts, not the scars, doesn’t pay any special attention to the scars that henry hates, aside from a thoughtless brush of his fingers over them sometimes. driver once quietly confessed he likes the texture of henry’s scarred wrist, and henry had fallen backwards on the mattress laughing. “y’know any normal person might find that insensitive.” “good thing you’re not normal.”

henry doesn’t drive anymore. driver is the only person he’ll let drive him. driver teaches him all about cars, lets henry watch him work on them, and it…helps, to have cars made into something tangible in henry’s mind, not just the monster that betrayed him. he starts painting and sketching a lot of car parts. he starts painting and sketching a lot of driver, sketchbook pages filled with figure studies of driver leaned over the hood of a car, lay on his back on the garage floor, hunched studiously over his work table.

henry doesn’t mind at all when driver’s dissociating or nonverbal, even when it’s for days. he’s patient. and he has absolutely no qualms with speaking up for him. one time a waiter scoffed at driver for not speaking and henry loudly told him to fuck off. they got banned from that diner, but driver was smiling to himself all the rest of the day.

sundaydriver (lars/driver)

driver isn’t exactly touch-averse, but he’s so incredibly touch-starved that it manifests in similar ways. touch is very overwhelming to him, particularly non-violent touch — he locks up, gets scared, it often triggers dissociation — so it’s something he and lars explore together. driver will sit there with his hands in his lap, not touching at all, and let lars touch him as much as he wants, drawing tentative fingers over driver’s clothes and skin and working out what’s scary and what hurts and what’s okay if he keeps practicing. it’s easier when he’s not being touched back — it’s something he appreciates about driver, even though it comes with the churning sickness that comes with knowing that driver won’t touch him because he won’t do anything he thinks he’s not allowed. he won’t take anything he wants unless it’s given, and he’s used to being hurt for it.

it completely overwhelms lars, sometimes, how sad driver makes him. which he feels guilty for, because driver makes him happy and excited and peaceful too, but sometimes driver will flinch when lars moves too fast or he’ll have awful nightmares that make him whine and cry in his sleep or he’ll tell lars a story about something somebody did to him once, and lars will get so upset he has to go and do something. he’ll often chop wood. and driver will sit silent on the porch and watch him, curled up small in one of lars’ big jackets.

lars likes it a lot when driver wears his clothes. it started out of necessity, because driver had nothing and especially no warm proper clothes — even though he’s thin and always cold in a way that makes lars worry so much — but lars keeps lending driver jumpers and cardigans and coats even after they take driver to the mall and get him proper clothes. driver has lars’ blanket almost as often as lars does, and lars trusts him completely with it because driver is so so gentle with it, and appreciates it like lars does. he always calms down with it, running his fingers over the nice texture.

they go bowling together. it’s one of the only things to do in town, sure, but driver mentioned once early on that he’d never been bowling before — “some of my foster parents took me to a bowling alley once, but i wasn’t allowed to play ‘cause it was their real kid’s birthday.” — so lars took him and taught him. margo helped. and now driver will come bowling with all of them, the group of their friends, and sometimes he won’t play but he’ll watch them and he’ll smile when lars looks at him, the real soft smile that makes lars feel like fireworks are going off in his stomach.

driver loves the lake. he gets very cold so lars has to wrap him up and bring lots of blankets and bring hot chocolate in a flask, but driver loves it. they’ll sit quiet and content for hours, and driver won’t get bored or impatient. sometimes lars will sing.

lars also doesn’t mind at all when driver is dissociating or nonverbal. it makes him braver when it’s driver he has to advocate for rather than himself, and he finds himself getting loud and sharp when people don’t listen or are cruel to driver. he’s very protective of driver.

waaaa thank you so much!!! i have had such a good day and i am so so grateful for all my pals and moots (who i frankly consider pals), yourself included!!! and everyone else too, you all bring so much light to my life and i'm so so grateful for all the kindness ive received today, so grateful to have met u all and to be blogging beside you on this fine dashboard 🙂‍↕️

ozzie you in particular are so creative and i adore seeing the ideas and creations you share, i have such a blast sharing ideas back and forth with u and lovelove seeing u pop up in my notifs. you understand characters so well and care for them so deeply and it's so so nice to see and so fun to engage with!!!