#actuallyok

He who loses himself to vengeance, Loses sight of any common sense, As he forgets his comrades, his love, his goal, He discards all that makes him whole. He who loses himself to sorrow, Truly believes in no tomorrow, As his melancholy takes its toll, He discards all that makes him whole. He who loses himself to avarice, Falls into a bottomless abyss, Befitting such a corrupt, greedy soul, For he discarded all that made him whole.

Will you always be with me? A foolish, childish hope. Be as it may, we're highschool sweethearts and everyone knows how those always end up. Nothing more than a memory and a story to tell your children. But. I want to be more than that. To have a different story where I can say, "I met your mother in highschool you know. She caught my attention right away. Best looker in the whole school. I had no chance, but this old man of yours is more persistent than most. Everyday I would give her a flower and a note from my heart. I eventually won her over after a year." All the while, you would be chiding me about bringing up such an embarrassing past, despite a faint smile forming on your face. I've reached one dream already. Hopefully I'll be persistent enough to get this one.

I'm not certain whether I'll see you today. Or tomorrow. But, I'm certain that whenever I do, I'll fall for you all over again. I'm not certain of what you'll be wearing. But, I'm certain that you'll be beautiful, stunning, and beyond compare. I'm not certain of where it'll happen or what we'd be doing. But, I'm certain that we'll have fun and laugh the whole time because you're right there beside me. I'm not certain of what I'll say to you that day. But, I'm certain that it will have to do with how much I want to spend today, tomorrow, and everyday after with you. I'm not certain of how you'll react or respond. But life is full of uncertainties and I can only be certain that I love you with all my heart.

I glance at my phone and lower my arm. I raise it again and look at the notifications bar...again. *Sigh* Still no response from you. I can't say anything. I already have. Can't just spam message one after another. That'd be weird. Even if you did reply, what would I say? I'm too awkward to get a conversation going, so I let you control the flow. I'm too proud to tell you what's going on in my life--my father taught me to keep my problems to myself to not appear weak. I haven't much to lose, but I say nothing regardless. So I just listen to yours intently and chime in my thoughts and advice when I can. But talking with you stirs up my heart. It confuses me. I don't know what to do about it. All I know is that I want to keep feeling that way. So happy and filled with overwhelming euphoria. My concealed problems fade away to inexistence in the presence of your words. Who knew listening could be so fulfilling? *Chime* A smile creeps onto to my face and flows into my thoughts expressed through my fingers.

I don't know. Sometimes my heart beats just a little bit faster. Sometimes my face feels flush with emotion. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. Sometimes I just can't stop laughing. Sometimes I can't stop being so happy. Other times I return to normal. Standard heart rate and all. Thing is. Those "sometimes" only happen when you're next to me. Or when I see you. Or when I'm talking to you. Or when I even think about you. Is it love? Maybe. I wouldn't know. I have never loved before. Nor have I been loved. I just don't know what love is. I can only ponder and wonder aimlessly or I can wander straight into this foreign world. I would relish the challenge of exploring. As long as you're my partner.

As I look out the window of my room, I wonder what you're doing right now. Probably sleeping. I want to drift asleep because I want to dream about you, but you keep entering my thoughts and it's keeping me awake. My heart cries out for you all day and nighttime is no exception. It aches. My chest tightens. I reach out to the sky. Grasping nothing but air. You aren't mine. To have or even to get close to. An impossible dream. I lie in bed, dreaming that dream. Wanting to have what I can't. I know I'm greedy, but I can only listen to the beating of my heart. The beating that hastens for you. Only you.

I've hinted how I felt about you. Nothing major. Anything from how you're beautiful to how a crazy awesome person you are. All of it escaped your notice. You don't think much of me beyond good friend. I'm someone to confide in. I try to tell you, but my mouth stops short. My fingers refuse to type those few powerful words, "I love you." I'm a coward. I fear loss. I have everything to gain and everything to lose for you are my everything. My mornings start with me waiting for you to wake up and respond to my "G'morning." My nights end with me staying awake as long as possible to make sure I can tell you "Gnite" and "Sweet Dreams." My intentions are plain as day to some, but I am hindered by the very friendship I hold so dear. You think me not as a man, but as a close friend. I want to be more. So very much more. I want to hold you. I want to take you out to a movie or dinner. I want to have that romantic moment at the end of a date where I slowly lean in and press my lips upon yours. But. I can't. You aren't my girlfriend. Just girl friend. This space between girl and friend is not much different from the space between you and I. A tiny bridge to be crossed. A bridge that threatens to fall at any weight. A risky endeavor. But onward I push. I can only hope that you love me back. A hope that makes dreams seem possible and shields me from utter despair.