#actuallyfactitious

i have some kind of factitious disorder (munchausens). I feel a lot of shame for it and i have no outlet for it. I can't tell my friends or anyone i know, they'd never trust me again. this is where I aim to be completely honest with my thoughts . I want to stop this and heal from it, i don't want to be a faker.

things I've done:

- pretended to faint twice

- faked absence seizures

- done copious amounts of careful research on epilepsy to understand what seizures look like and how to fake them.

- lied about a bad ex-friend hurting me to make him look worse and make people feel bad for me (he already was awful and cruel asshole to me and to others, so I feel this isn't too bad of a thing since everyone i know already hated him. i would never lie about someone who was innocent.).

- fantasized and planned out many scenarios in which i hurt myself, make it look like an accident, and go into the ER, or allow a friend to find me and take care of me. or scenarios where i fake having a seizure and my friends have to take me to the hospital. I know this is terrible and that's why i haven't done it despite having these manipulative desires to do so.

I feel completely alone and abandoned right now, which makes me want to self destruct to get someone to care about me. I know this is probably just Effy acting up, wanting to hurt myself or make a crisis to receive the attention and create a connection. But the problem is she is really really convincing, and she sounds a lot like me. and I just want this ache soul to go away. I want to feel loved and needed. I want to connect with people on a deeper level, to be able to be completely honest about how I’m feeling lately. I want to be able to actually admit how much I hate school right now, even though I should love it. 

I had hoped that once I started rotations I would get more excited about school. but I’m not. This week I was on equine repro, and had I actually felt like myself I would have been in heaven. We practiced doing rectal palpations in mares, and artificial insemination, and uterine lavages, and collecting and evaluating semen from stallions, but I just didn’t care though. I participated and did my best to focus and learn, but underneath it all I couldn’t wait to get to go home. Not that I really do anything at home either though besides stare at the wall or sit on my computer. I just didn’t want to be there. and even on decent days, I’ll be siting in class and all of a sudden I get choked up and I just want to die. It's not just a mood drop. Its like getting blasted in the face with a cannon ball of depression. I sit during lecture and can't pay attention. I zone out, or I start thinking about ways I can hurt myself. and then I tell myself I’m not allowed to kill myself. I’m not allowed to hurt myself. I argue with my depression brain for the majority of class instead, and I end up thinking more about therapy things than class. I just don't care anymore. I want to care, but I don't have the energy or motivation. Vet med used to be the thing I was living for. And now its not. Now I’m living just to not cause more pain to people than I already have caused. 

I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't want to exist anymore. But the problem is, I can't tell if its my depression getting worse, or if Effy is acting up and throwing a tantrum and trying to find a reason to make people care. So instead, I act like I’m okay in front of everyone even though I feel like something inside me has died.