#actuallyddnos

Feeling like being thrown around inside our body like riding a roller coaster

Feeling like one of us dissolves into nothing and another person takes over the body (possession)

Suddenly feeling like having stepped into a foreign body

Forgetting "who we are" and feeling like we are an imposter trying to act like someone we aren't

Feeling like we are still a child trapped in our traumatic environment (flashback)

Not noticing for awhile until something/someone makes us think about it (like individual quirks, likes/dislikes, dysphoria, ect.)

I, the host, am fronting 95% of the time. I am more or less “permanently” front-stuck. I’ve only recently discovered that we’re a system, and as a result I’m still trying to find a way to communicate with my alters. However, I do know a few things about them that leads to me to believe that one of my alters is a particularly strict gatekeeper. 

Analogue almost exclusively fronts during times of severe emotional distress and he is the the only one to do so. The switch is almost instant, especially when we’ve been triggered to have a flashback or otherwise recall a traumatic memory. But as soon as the distress has been dealt with, I’m back at the front. The emotions I felt only moments ago feel dull and the memory of what I just went through is hazy at best, if I recall it at all. 

I have been able to communicate with Analogue internally more so than my other alters. He is deeply cynical and it seems like he only sees things in terms of practicality. It seems to believe that because we formed from trauma, that rationally speaking, its only purpose is to deal with emotional distress and that’s it. He’s confined to his existence as a coping mechanism, and the idea that his only purpose is to suffer so that I can survive. 

And because it sees himself that way, he views the others that way as well. His purpose is to deal with emotional distress, Majora’s is to deal with our manic episodes, and Branch’s purpose is to deal with age regression. And I’m the “real” one. Because of that, I’m certain that he’s the one preventing the others from fronting outside of their role. He’s confined himself to its role, and thinks the others should be as well. I haven’t been able to properly communicate with Majora and Branch very much, so I have no idea how they feel about that. 

While I understand why Analogue feels the way it does, I want my alters to be able to have lives outside of their roles. Just because my brain may have formed them as a response to trauma, that doesn’t mean they should be forced to exist solely as coping mechanisms. I don’t think I’m more “real” than them nor am I more deserving of living a happy and fulfilling life. Analogue thinks that by letting them front more often, that we would become less functional and that it would be damaging to my social life. I don’t really know what to say to that. While we do unfortunately live in an ableist society, that still doesn’t mean that my alters should be suppressed and treated unequally just so we can continue pretending to be a singlet. I know for a fact that my friends will be accepting of our existence as a system, and if not I wouldn’t wanna keep them around anyway. 

Please only vote if you have a Complex Dissociative Disorder (DID/PDID/OSDD/DDNOS/UDD)!