everything is happening to or around me. I feel like I have no autonomy over my life and it's been on pause for as long as I can remember. I don't know how to start it. I watch all my friends live their lives and work and date and fuck and be happy and I wish I could be like that. I don't feel real. I feel like I'm tricking everyone into believing I'm a real person. I don't care about real things but that's not acceptable. I don't feel happy anymore ever. The best I got is alright. Dying wouldn't be such a big deal because it would feel the same as I do now, but when I'm dead I won't want, I won't nag or eat too much or be too much or be crazy. It'll just be hitting the stop button on a paused thing.