#actsassin

look at him. i mean, really look.

 i know. he’s the sort that when he walked in, it was hmmm. weird looking. a bit froggy. but he’s been here an hour, and he’s american. it only feels fair that if americans get to fawn over a british accent, i should start getting into the american one after a couple minutes. yes, i’ve only heard him say yes and no and “okay i’ll wait” in a phone call he was angry – sexily angry –to receive, but i’m still allowed. doesn’t help that it’s just been the two of us for two hours. the sexual tension that builds is undeniable. palpable, almost. i gracefully scooch myself over to the area of the counter in front of his table and fiddle with the glass cake-stand, make it clink until he looks. i smile apologetically – fake – and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear – provocative. then i open my mouth and     ‘cake is like –oh my god, right?’

He simply shrugs. He could say not. He could say sometimes you are born with bad fortune, and bad fortune follows everywhere you go. He could say sometimes life turns out exactly the way you feared it would. But he could also say it’s not such a terrible place to end up in. Even as you’re headed where you least wanted to go, there’s a view. A couple fun turns here and there. Bumps and speed and lights. Every now and then someone to sit next to, who laughs and makes you laugh. He could say when you’re born into a life like that, your seatbelt strapped, no kindness offered to you could ever be enough.

But also, the littlest kindness is enough. A bowl of soup on a cold winter night. A quiet corner under the counter to sit and read in. Perhaps he deserved more, perhaps everyone deserved more from life … but life, eh? Life does to you whatever it wants, so the best thing you can do is simply look out the window and enjoy the ride.    “ Maybe. The world ... the world is like big carnival. Some people ride wild rollercoasters. Some people quiet little games. Some tunnel of love ”

Hank likes Barry. He’s cool! Very cool when he’s doing his thing. He is like a real life Liam Neeson in ‘Taken’, or something like that. Never misses a shot, really tough guy. Super cool. But also, a little … cuckoo. When he’s not doing his thing he some (many) times goes into this weird, blank space and then says something really random out of one of those movies that begins and ends in similar scenes and nothing happens except a bunch of shots of the characters in the toilet and philosophical bullshit. And Hank can watch does –it’s culture –but that doesn’t mean he likes them. Or that he wants to watch one in real time while he’s eating his Happy Meal.  

Hank looks down at the paper mantel Barry has been staring at for the past two minutes, and takes a huge chomp of his burger. Then he looks around the half empty restaurant, not sure if it’s the picture in the mantel or the picture they’re sitting in that says anything about the understanding of suffering – the cartoon in the picture is smiling and the children in the PlayPlace –but he doesn’t expect it to make sense either way. It’s cuckoo Barry. With a Ketchup dripping smile, he shrugs.     “ You don’t like the Hamburglar? ”

easier  said  than  done;  she’s  not  aware  that  she’s  hyperventilating  until  he’s  speaking  gently  and  she’s  feeling  the  world  around  her  closing  in  too  fast.  all  at  once  she’s  seventeen  again,  made  of  glass  and  cracking  slowly,  waiting  for  the  moment  she’ll  fall  to  pieces.  her  hand  is  shaking  as  cell  phone  screen  flashes  CALL  ENDED:  1MIN 9SEC.  UNKNOWN.  she’s  waiting  for  someone  to  pop  out  of  a  doorway,  yell  GOTCHA!,  claim  it  was  a  joke  made  in  very  poor  taste—she  could  live  with  that.  but  it  doesn’t  come.

‘  I  have  to  go.  ’   it  makes  the  most  sense  to  her,  in  that  moment,  as  that  bone-chilling  voice  echoes  in  her  ears.  YOU  THOUGHT  YOU  COULD  RUN  FROM  ME,  SIDNEY?  I’VE  GOT  A  LOT  PLANNED  FOR  MY  MOVIE;  SO  MUCH  THAT  PEOPLE  ARE  DYING  TO  BE  PART  OF  IT.  it  sends  a  chill  down  her  spine,  prickling  at  her  skin  as  she  dodges  barry’s  hands  coming  to  rest  on  her  shoulders,  pushing  past,  still  breathing  erratically  as  she  does  so.   ‘  I  need  to  get  out  of  here.  ’

“ and i never knew i could feel that much. ”