#aconfession

Big thanks and shout out to the wonderful @nellidge who is not only a great actor but always takes time to show fans his big heart. ❤️

It is only possible to go on living while you are intoxicated with life; once sober it is impossible not to see that is all a mere trick, and a stupid trick! That is exactly what it is: there is nothing either witty or amusing, or is only cruel and stupid.

I was afraid of life and strove against it, yet I still hoped for something from it.

I fought as hard as I could against life.

It was as if I had carried on living and walking until I reached a precipice from which I could see clearly that there was nothing ahead of me other than destruction. But it was impossible to stop, and impossible to turn back or close my eyes in order not to see that there was nothing ahead other than deception of life and of happiness, and the reality of suffering and death: of complete annihilation.

The truth was that life is meaningless.

My life came to a standstill. I could breathe, eat, drink and sleep and I could not help breathing, eating, drinking and sleeping; but there was no life in me because I had no desires whose gratification I would have deemed it reasonable to fulfill. If I wanted something I knew in advance that whether or not I satisfied my desire nothing would come of it.