setting: spanning the years 2013 to 2017, set in an au in which nariās family is a big player in black market dealings summary:Ā at 13, kim nari is innocent and naive. at 15, she discovers the truth. at 18, nari has changed. at 19, nari is dead. warnings: light gore, blood, scary situations, implied torture, death, and just overall sad vibes Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā at 13, kim nari is innocent and naive, full of hope and longing. she believes her life is as ordinary as anyoneās, that her family is composed of three utterly normal people, and like many children who grow bored of the routine their parents establish, she wishes for adventure. she dreams of becoming a musician, of performing for audiences in grand stadiums -- even if sheās behind the scenes playing for a singer. sometimes she imagines what it might be like putting on a show in the middle of the street like sheās seen on the internet and wonders how likely she is to be scouted by an agency. at 13, nari believes herself to be just another kid with a dream.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā at 15, she discovers the truth, or rather, the truth crashes into her ordinary life.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she comes home to a quiet apartment -- not uncommon on a tuesday evening when her mother is tutoring her students and her father is likely still at work -- and while nari yells,Ā ā iām home, ā out of habit on most days, the words never make it past her lips. the living room is a wreck with the coffee table overturned, the lamp her grandparents bought laying broken on the wooden floor, papers and a few magazines scattered around, and a takeout box of jajangmyeon spilled by the couch. her heart is in a frenzy by the time sheās done taking it all in, hand flying to the phone in her back pocket when she hears muffled voices.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā nari freezes, straining to make out whatās being said and whoās saying it as fear wraps its hands around her throat. is it the intruder? what if theyāre threatening one of her parents? if nari were to guess, she would bet the jajangmyeon belongs to her father; mrs. kim scolds him all the time for grabbing takeout when they always have plenty of food at home. with a fresh bout of fear surging through her body at the thought of her dad being in danger, she follows the faint words leaking from her parentsā room. not before she starts dialing 119, though.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā but just as the operator answers and nari reaches the door, hands trembling and sweat trickling down the nape of her neck, her parentsā door swings open to reveal a giant of a man who looks anything but happy. things become blurry after that.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she canāt clearly remember what happens because it happens so fast. she remembers the giantās rough hands on her, her phone falling and cracking against the floor, the shouts and grunts coming from her parentsā room -- thereās a second intruder, she realizes too late -- and the cold metal pressing against her temple. she remembers how silent the apartment suddenly becomes, how she feels lightheaded and sick and so, so scared. she remembers her fatherās face, how utterly calm he appears to be as he keeps his own gun pointed at her captor, and she remembers crying at him, though she canāt remember the words. she remembers barely being able to breathe because the giantās arm is hard and tight against her neck, wishing, PRAYING that by some miracle, no one will die. that her father will give the giant whatever he wants so that heāll leave, and everything can go back to normal.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā itās clear that god hasnāt heard a single word when the giantās hold loosens, and he falls to the ground with a dull, sickening thump.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she canāt move initially. nari just stands there, shaking and holding her breath and unable to tear her gaze from the blood beginning to pool around the giantās head. even as her father races over to crush her against him while kissing her hair and reassuring her that sheās okay, nari remains fixated on the crimson liquid spreading across the floor. she canāt breathe. she canāt hear her father. her father...Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā he shot the giant. her father shot the giant. her father killed a man without blinking an eye -- her father SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD. he shouldnāt be capable of that, she remembers thinking in her panicked confusion. heās just a lawyer.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā at 15, kim nari learns everything she believed her life and family to be is completely and utterly false. none of it is ordinary or typical or normal. normal families have grandparents who fuss and dote on their grandchildren; nari has grandparents who run two businesses, one covering the tracks of the other so as to keep the police who arenāt on their salary unaware of their dealings. she learns that her father, who she believed to be a simple, dedicated lawyer, is the heir to such a business, and though he tried to wash his hands of it, some stains never wash out. she learns that mirae is next in line, but her father refuses to involve her when sheās still ignorant of whatās happened. her mother, too, is none the wiser until she arrives home to a destroyed living room and two dead bodies. it surprises nari that her mother doesnāt lose her mind at mr. kim when honesty is so important to her, but perhaps the shock is too much for her in the moment.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she also learns that her father was planning to move their family to america to escape, to keep them safe and starter over, but he was one month too late.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā at 16, nari and her family move into the lavish home her grandparents own, and itās there that nari quickly learns that her life is no longer her own to do with as she pleases. her fatherās parents are nothing like her motherās kind, nurturing parents -- theyāre cold and demanding and expectant and BRUTAL and force her to learn about a business she wants nothing to do with. they force her into self-defense classes, then into shooting practice, then personally teach her about the management and financial aspect of their dealings. at 17, they hand her off to someone they trust. heāll teach her the ropes, they tell her, and sheās confused because theyāve taught her everything she thinks she needs to know and seething because itās the LAST thing she wants. but she understands that she doesnāt have a choice, even with her father arguing with his parents more often than not about her involvement. if she doesnāt do as sheās told, sheās useless, and being useless gets a person killed.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā nari wonders if thatād be so bad, especially when her grandparentsā right hand takes her with him to a business transaction -- the safest sheāll ever attend because these guys are regulars, and ā regulars know not to start shit ā -- and she has to watch as heās shot in front of her. any attempt at running is pointless, but amid the terror coursing through her veins and the urge to be sick, nari feels some satisfaction in giving one of the guys a bloody nose before they knock her unconscious and take her away.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she doesnāt like to remember what happens next. itās a part of her memory sheās tried her hardest to erase, yet she canāt fully block it out -- even at 18, nari remembers each painful detail in perfect clarity. she wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat sometimes, heart racing and blood roaring in her ears as she scrambles to check her surroundings, to prove to herself that itās all just another memory and no longer her reality. on the worst nights, her hands often search her back as far as they can reach, tracing each scar as a reminder that she has long since healed from that incident, that itās in the past, that she has survived, and she is safe now. but she still doesnāt feel safe. she canāt feel safe living as she does and knowing what she does.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā by 18, much has changed. nari has changed. she no longer holds hope that things can go back to the way they were, having accepted that, like her father, she wonāt be able to leave the family business no matter how desperately she wants to. sheās fallen into the role her grandparents have forced upon her, learning and training and involving herself willingly even when her parents both ask her to stop. if she doesnāt play the role, who will? mirae? mirae who has graduated culinary school and created her own business? mirae who is blissfully ignorant to the darkness that would swallow her whole if she so much as glanced its way? mirae who is hurt that her family has cut all contact, but who otherwise lives a happy, ordinary life? no. nari wonāt allow that to happen. this fate belongs to nari now, and no one else.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā and she hates it. with every fiber of her being, she hates it. she hates that she may have to kill someone with her own two hands one day. she hates that her family is in constant danger and that their safety will one day be her responsibility -- if they die, it will be her fault. she hates that her friends all believe sheās ditched them now that she lives in luxury, that theyāll never know that if given the chance, she would trade luxury in a heartbeat to have them back. she would give anything to have them, her old life, her old self...
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she hates that she hasnāt touched a piano since her kidnapping. her fingers grow restless more often than not, tapping against whatever surface they find themselves resting upon, and when nari notices, her heart aches with regret and yearning. yet she canāt bring herself to so much as look at a piano.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā it hurts too much. the longing is bad enough, but if she were to start playing, nari knows it would be unbearable. for the sake of her family, she has to leave her first love behind. she has to leave the dreams of her youth behind. she has to leave the kim nari who was bright behind. thereās no place for her in this world.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā at 18, the dreamer has died, leaving a pessimistic realist in her place. by 19, the realist joins the dreamer in the ground.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā the day is nothing special. but the weather is nice -- sunny and just a little cold -- and itās the first day in a long time that nari doesnāt have to worry about the family business. her lips twitch and curve into the faintest of smiles. a day off, all to herself, to spend however she wishes! she canāt help but wonder if her father has something to do with it, if he pulled some strings to allow her some time alone, because he and her mother have complained more than once about how little free time she has between her studies and her training. it doesnāt exactly matter if heās the reason, but the thought that that might be the case makes her smile a little wider, feel a little warmer despite the breeze.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā temptation reels her in that particular day. perhaps itās the sense of nostalgia that blossoms in nariās chest at the sight of what was once her favorite music store, or perhaps itās because sheās denied herself of what she loves most for so long -- regardless, nari finds herself stepping inside, swaying to the pop song bursting from the speakers as she shuffles through some albums. she reaches for one she remembers mirae loved only for her hand to knock into someone elseās, an apology immediately falling from her lips before sheās even glanced at the stranger. nari can hardly believe her eyes when she finally does look at the male who towers above her.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā a lanky young man with kind eyes, messy hair, and long fingers perfect for the piano -- though his features have grown more mature since their freshman year of high school, she knows itās lee jiyun who has unwittingly bumped into her. his eyes go a little wide upon realizing who she is, lips parting in a silent gasp before they curve into a smile.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā his smile is just as warm as she remembers. it stirs the butterflies in her stomach, entices a slow, growing grin of her own, and has nari forgetting for a brief moment who she is supposed to be. she forgets that she will one day be in charge of her familyās business, that she will one day have blood on her hands, that she will one day decide who lives and who dies in the name ofĀ ā good business. ā she forgets that she is supposed to be the cold, wary grandchild of the kim family. in the presence of an old friend and crush, the persona nari so carefully built melts away to reveal the remnants of the dreamer she quietly said goodbye to shortly after her kidnapping.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā sheās 15 again, bright-eyed and hopeful.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā you cut your hair. ā jiyunās voice is deeper but still just as sweet.Ā ā it suits you. ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she decided to cut it when her grandmother pointed out her long hair could be a disadvantage she couldnāt afford against stronger opponents, but nari doesnāt mention that. she just flicks her gaze from jiyunās feet to his face.Ā ā and youāve gotten even taller. āĀ
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā he rolls his eyes at her, hands sliding into his pockets -- the only way to keep his fingers from tapping restlessly against his thighs, nari remembers.Ā ā still bitter about my little growth spurt, shorty? ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā there was nothing LITTLE about it! i went from being a whole three inches taller to being a whole three inches shorter! ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā they slip so easily into conversation as if it hasnāt been years since theyāve spoken to each other, bantering and bickering and reminiscing their days with their crotchety piano teacher, and though she knows it canāt last long, nari allows herself to enjoy this one, small happiness. she allows herself to accept jiyunās invitation to grab food, to speak and laugh freely, to whine when he comments on her height and blush when he tells her sheās gotten prettier ( even if, in the same breath, he recalls the time she was missing her two front teeth ) . she even allows herself to exchange numbers with jiyun, knowing that she wonāt be able to keep in contact like he hopes she will, but a few texts here and there canāt hurt.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā when they part ways, nari doesnāt feel the gloom set in like she expects it to; instead, she feels light. hopeful. and it scares her. but the memory of jiyun's arms wrapped around her as he muttered how badly he missed her banishes that fear to the back of nariās mind. just this one day -- for this one day, she wonāt worry over how horrible this could all go. for this one day, she just wants to be happy.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā her phoneās text notification rings sharply, and immediately nari checks to see who it is, mind already running through scenarios involving her family and situations gone wrong, but itās only jiyun asking that she let him know when she arrives home safely. nari canāt stop her smile -- not that she tries -- as she begins typing out a response, searching for the right kaomoji when she hears frantic screaming from in front of her. her head snaps up to see an older woman on the sidewalk screeching and wildly motioning for nari to move, but she understands the situation a second too late, registers the sound of a speeding car too late, attempts to run the rest of the way to safety too late.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā at 19, approximately 3 : 15 pm, kim nari is dead. she has her regrets, mostly concerning mirae who may be forced to take her place and who still doesnāt know how much her little sister has missed her all this time. she regrets leaving her parents all alone to deal with her grandparents and not acting like the teenager they knew she wanted to be. she regrets becoming exactly what those old bags wanted her to be instead, but she doesnāt regret the blissful ignorance she provided mirae as a result. she regrets having to give up music, denying herself everything that made her feel happy and alive. she regrets the pain jiyun will feel when he never hears from her again as well as the pain that will pierce him if he ever finds out what happened to her.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she doesnāt regret meeting him that day, though. she doesnāt regret spending all that time together, feeling more like herself than she has for a long time. she doesnāt regret entering that music store, giving into her longing for the first time in ages. she doesnāt regret allowing her old self to reemerge. she regrets trying to kill the old nari in order to survive because thatās all sheās been doing these past few years -- surviving rather than living.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she hopes in her next life, she chooses to live.
