#accidentallylongpost

Amazing news, I got me a house by the grace of all the entities watching over me. It's been a group effort to fix it up and get it painted, and it's nearing completion. I wanted to reflect on the journey and what that means for my future.

The person we got it from was one of those "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is" so we took a risk and got it. After some stress and various other things, it made the trip from 800 miles away to my family's property safe and only a little cracked up. The person and their people turned out to be very not great at communicating, and bailed out without completing what they were contracted to do (its a single wide trailer type home, 16ft wide and 60ft long with cathedral ceilings, so we needed the bottom skirted and some steps built, and other things) but... they bailed after fixing 2 windows and shittily spackling some of the cracks and won't contact us back when we try. Luckily my dad is smart and knows how to build and repipe things. So most of everything has been done with the help of family friends and my partner when they come here.

It's close to being done. My own reflection leading up to moving in with me cat has been constant. I love my family and living back at home, but being in the same house as everyone feels a bit stagnant. I want to be close, and the property will end up being my brothers and mine, so this is home for me. That's why we have my home here. I will be living on my own with my cat, and I'll be close enough to help when one or both of my parents need it. I feel very lucky, and even blessed because my family has had struggle after struggle in life.

I realize that it's not common for someone at almost 30 years old to say that they have their own home, which makes me even more grateful and thankful that the world aligned enough to bring the opportunity to me. I wish more than anything that other people could have the opportunity presented to them in a similar fashion.

While I'm excited and so grateful, I find myself hurting more for those who struggle still. It's like one of things that you want to be fully happy for, but can't help but feel melancholy during the times you really get to thinking about it. The world is so damn harsh, and i think of families who could benefit tremendously from something like this falling onto their plate.

I remember this as we all make progress on it, and my empathy for the world around me swells so much is hurts. Literally painting and crying sometimes, because why did i get this kind of thing to happen for me while so many other people deserve or need it more? This is the cycle my brain has been on. I just can't help that feeling sometimes, and i have to convince myself I'm just as deserving of it. With the help of my partner (thank you, cara mia) i am fighting the brain buzzards and trying to just be grateful about it. I am pushing energy out into the world so that maybe, just maybe this can happen for families or other people who are just as deserving. 🖤🖤🖤

If you got this far thank you for reading, this is the only forum i like sharing on these days. This turned into a diary entry but its just my honest life vent, the catch 22 of feeling so happy but burdened of feeling empathy for other people so deeply. I DON'T want people to feel any type of jealousness, but i severely want them to know that this could happen for them too