#accidental-muse

Hi anon.

I've only just become aware of this.

Let me say right here and now that I remain friends with anyone who wishes to remain friends with me. So basically, I'm staying neutral. I don't agree with kangaroo courts anyway and will only accept evidence which would hold up in a court of law. As always, anyone can block me who wishes to.

I have blocked petmewithyoureyes and Dani both because I am done with the drama. I will be blocking everyone who engages with either party. Tumblr is a passive, stress-free (or is supposed to be) thing for me to engage with. I will not participate in online wars over poorly organized and hinderingly vague writings that I TOLD you I did not understand after reading several times. I will not be told that I don't care about the safety of women and children when I actively report minors, pedophiles, and abusers in the community.

Here's a little history lesson for the bulk of you:

My mom got cancer 6 months after I was born. My dad emotionally abused her with pictures of her frail, cancer-ridden body and told her when she was dead he'd make sure I only remembered her for how weak she looked in those pictures. He tried to kill her twice after she survived cancer, both times I walked in on. My mom endured homelessness, WITH ME, while she sought divorce. She worked 3 full time jobs and attended school full time for 6 years to take care of me without needing a man that could hurt her like that ever again. I have listened to my dad cry to me on the phone about how he wished he was a better father and coldly told him "I wish you had been a better husband to my mom."

If any of you has any doubt that I care about the safety of women, unfollow me. Block me. Don't tell me. Don't make a big hurrah of it. Just leave my name out of your mouth and get out of my space.

Now, to address the rest. I am a 32 year old with adult ADHD, who works full time, and is going back to school full time. In October, when the 144 business happened, my mom got sick and was hospitalized. I had read Dani's posts multiple times. I did not understand the sequence of events. I knew petmewithyoureyes (formerly flamingdumpsterkitten) had come out against 144 for being an abuser and a cheater. That is all I could honestly make heads or tails of with my limited time in my personal life to invest into Tumblr. When I didn't understand after the third or fourth reread, I asked Dani to explain it to me like a kindergartener. "Who do I need to watch out for," is all I wanted. I'm not a therapist. I'm not qualified to rehash all of her trauma. I just needed to know the names involved and which side of the fence they were on. She pointed me to the same posts that I told her had left me confused. A fun fact many people don't know about ADHD? It's considered a learning disability. That means people with ADHD may experience trouble when trying to process information that is presented in a format that doesn't suit the way their brain works. Dani knows this about me, and I believe has ADHD herself. She also knows that I cannot afford, even with insurance, to be medicated for it. I asked for five minutes. You spent four months adding to the garbage pile that I already didn't understand when I asked for five minutes. Then my mom was hospitalized and diagnosed with a chronic anemia. So I stepped away. I dropped all of the drama, told you I would try to decode it when my life wasn't so stressful outside of Tumblr. And I did. I did try. Your links lead me through a maze that actually left me more confused than the first time I read them. So I decided to act on what I knew at the time. 144 was bad and FDK had outed him. I discreetly unfollowed everyone you had finally asked me to, which did NOT include FDK, and then you made a post that you were done with the drama when I finally started easing back in. And I started using Tumblr more passively. Queue stuff, scroll the dash, reblog.

It's no surprise that I found myself supporting someone you had been vaguing on as a bad faith actor, Dani. You're over 40 years old and this is the internet. Just fucking say what you mean. Don't go around vaguing everyone like it's high school. We're adults in this space. We have responsibilities and stresses outside of Tumblr. We cannot Imitation Game© your posts every time you make a new one. You had four months to check in with me as my friend, during which you NEVER asked if I was okay. Never asked how my mom was doing. You had four months to step in and say "hey, you've been blogging from a couple people that are still in 144's circles. I have a post about it, here it is. I know you've got a lot going on so just let me know if you get a chance to read it and if you have any questions after."

I am not the one who actively and maliciously came into your DMs. I am not the one making posts encouraging people to harass you because I didn't make an effort out of courtesy to our former friendship to make sure I understood your side before attacking your character. I am not the one who, over the past four months, has effectively imploded my own community and continued to stir up shit out of nowhere and burn bridges with my friends instead of treating them like an adult and taking the time to understand their side.

I truly, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, could not understand your posts after reading them several times and I am sorry that explaining it to me was so beneath you that it led to a fundamental misunderstanding of the situation. As a librarian, I would have expected better organization and record keeping from you and as a former friend, I would've expected a modicum of respect and courtesy instead of outright hostility and the encouragement of harassment.

I am truly and genuinely sorry for the trauma Dani has endured and I am sorry that I did not understand the information she provided in its current format but I did not maliciously and knowingly interact with apologizers of 144. If you can't accept that, then so be it but keep my fucking name out of your mouth.

Once again, to everyone else, if you are interacting with either Dani or petmewithyoureyes, I will be blocking you. Nothing personal, I just don't want to see either of them or be the monkey in the middle. If I see any content involving instructor144, I will block you because he is an abuser for what he's done to Dani.