The Ivy League
Poisoned Ivies: America Discovers Elite Universities Have Been Majoring in Nonsense The Ivy League now costs so much that students expect not just an education, but a personal moral concierge. Universities claim to value open debate, provided everyone agrees in advance. Tuition has risen so high that graduates leave with debt, anxiety, and a tote bag. Congressional hearings have become America's most popular substitute for finals week. Administrators speak fluent policy jargon — the modern language of saying nothing for forty minutes while wearing a lanyard. In a development that shocked only people trapped inside faculty lounges with no windows and very good parking, America has once again discovered that some elite universities may have drifted slightly off course — like a yacht captained by a committee of consultants who all have competing DEI certifications. The fresh spark came from a new book, Poisoned Ivies, by Rep. Elise Stefanik, who argues that prestigious institutions once devoted to learning have become tangled in ideology, bureaucracy, and the ancient academic tradition of charging $90,000 a year to explain why certainty is problematic. Stefanik is a Harvard alumna herself, which means she paid a premium for the product and is now demanding a refund on behalf of the nation. According to reports, the book revisits the now-famous congressional hearings where the presidents of Harvard, MIT, and Penn were asked direct questions and responded the way a malfunctioning GPS responds when you drive into a lake: calmly, confidently, and completely uselessly. Citizens watching at home were stunned. Not by the controversy. By hearing complete sentences like "It depends on the context" deployed in a moral crisis with the serene confidence of a Farmer's Almanac prediction. The Price of Wisdom Has Increased Again, Please Hold American parents have long believed college is expensive because knowledge is priceless. Universities have bravely stress-tested this theory by adding fees for housing, wellness, technology, recreation, orientation, parking, breathing near the library, and — if current trends continue — a Philosophical Uncertainty Surcharge. According to data tracked by CNBC, college tuition has surged roughly 5.6% per year on average since 1983, outpacing inflation by a comfortable margin and the average parent's blood pressure by a catastrophic one. Total Ivy League costs now exceed $90,000 annually at several schools before scholarships — a figure that, coincidentally, is also the price of a used helicopter. One father from Ohio said, "I mortgaged my boat so my son could study sociology and come home calling me a systems issue." A mother from Texas reported that after paying one semester's tuition, she now refers to ramen noodles as "heritage pasta." She uses the word "artisanal" with no irony whatsoever. Economists note that elite universities have mastered a rare business model: selling dissatisfaction at luxury prices. Tiffany's sells diamonds. Harvard sells doubt. Only one of them gives you something you can hock. Administrators: The High Priests of Elegant Fog Once upon a time, colleges had deans. Deans did things. Now they have Vice Provosts for Integrative Strategic Community Alignment, whose main professional skill appears to be converting plain English into ceremonial mist and billing it as leadership. When asked whether something is right or wrong, the modern university administrator will often respond: "We are committed to a robust process of stakeholder engagement while centering values in a framework of evolving accountability." Translation: no. Or sometimes: no, but differently. One anonymous campus staffer said, "If clarity ever enters the building, Legal escorts it out through the loading dock." The job title inflation alone is worth studying. Universities that claim to oppose capitalism have somehow created an internal economy where the word "Vice" appears before every title and nobody is sure who actually turns the lights off. Students Arrive for Chemistry, Leave Fluent in Moral Acrobatics Many students still work hard, study honestly, and want a real education worth the ransom they paid to receive it. They deserve full credit and possibly a support group. But surrounding them is a cultural carnival where every opinion is brave except the wrong one — and the list of wrong ones is updated weekly, posted near the kombucha tap, and retroactively applied to things you said in 2017. Freshmen arrive wanting to learn history. By sophomore year they're explaining why deadlines are colonial. By junior year they're leading a march against cafeteria forks. By senior year they have a minor in grievance logistics and an unpaid internship at a nonprofit that addresses the root causes of root causes. A poll conducted by the Center for Completely Reliable Numbers found that 63% of students believe free speech is essential, unless someone uses it nearby, in which case it becomes a safety issue requiring an emergency forum and at least one keynote. The Hearing Heard Round the Dorms: Context-Dependent Justice Those congressional hearings became a strange national pastime. Families gathered around televisions the way earlier generations watched moon landings — except this time, the astronauts kept explaining that gravity was context-dependent. There were gasps. There was confusion. There were pauses so dense and load-bearing that geologists classified them as sedimentary. Viewers learned that asking a yes-or-no question at an elite institution can trigger a six-part symposium, two panel discussions, one sensitivity review, and a strongly worded letter that arrives three weeks later and uses the word "centering" four times. Penn President Liz Magill resigned days after the hearing. Harvard's Claudine Gay followed. The lesson, apparently, is that there is such a thing as a wrong answer — who knew context had limits? One retiree in Florida said, "I haven't seen people dodge this hard since my nephew's wedding RSVP." His nephew studied communications at an Ivy. Probably unrelated. Harvard, Penn, MIT, and the Context Industry: Prestige by the Vague Prestige schools sell certainty in brochures and uncertainty in controversy. It is a business model as elegant as it is infuriating — like a parachute company that only guarantees deployment weather-permitting. Admissions offices promise leadership, courage, truth, and excellence. Then trouble arrives, cameras turn on, and leaders suddenly become comparative philosophers trapped in a hedge maze of their own careful construction. A consultant familiar with campus branding explained: "Universities want to look bold in sunlight and vague under subpoena." That may be the most honest mission statement in the history of American higher education, and it appears on no brochure. The City Journal review of Poisoned Ivies notes that Stefanik identifies billions in untracked foreign funding and bloated DEI bureaucracies as key drivers of the rot. Which means the universities weren't just academically vague — they were financially creative, too. Expensive fog, as it turns out, doesn't generate itself for free. The Real Victims: Students Who Just Wanted to Learn a Thing Lost in elite melodrama are the ordinary students who just wanted to study engineering, medicine, literature, or accounting without living inside a nonstop argument moderated by people with ring lights and strong feelings about your word choices from 2019. One biology major said, "I came here to dissect frogs. Instead I've attended twelve emergency forums and one restorative circle about the frogs." Another student whispered, "Please don't quote me. My lab partner reports vibes." These students are paying premium prices — Ivy League costs increasing faster than inflation year over year — to navigate a campus climate where every week is season-finale week and the plot is never resolved because resolution requires certainty, and certainty requires context, and context is a committee. What the Funny People Are Saying About the Funny Schools "I love college. It's the only place where people pay six figures to be told they're the problem." — Jerry Seinfeld "Universities used to hand out diplomas. Now they hand out emotional weather alerts." — Ron White "You can major in anything now. I think my cousin majored in taking offense. Graduated with honors. Dean's list in Grievance." — Amy Schumer "Every time I see a university president testify before Congress, I think: buddy, this is a yes-or-no question, not your dissertation defense. Except at least a dissertation requires an answer." — Bill Burr A Radical Proposal: Maybe Just Teach Things Some reformers suggest a genuinely shocking solution: universities could return to teaching subjects, rewarding merit, protecting open debate, and preparing graduates for adulthood rather than for interpretive activism with a side of debt. Imagine campuses where: - Students read books before denouncing them. - Professors welcome disagreement instead of reporting it. - Administrators use nouns, subjects, and verbs in the same sentence. - Graduates leave with skills instead of slogans and a $70,000 deficit. - A yes-or-no question gets a yes or a no. Wild. Revolutionary. Possibly unconstitutional on some campuses. Wall Street immediately classified this proposal as speculative. The bond market was unmoved. The frogs remained undefended. Final Exam for the Ivory Tower: Pass/Fail, No Context Required America doesn't hate universities. It hates watching treasured institutions behave like expensive escape rooms designed by people who got their PhDs in making the exit harder to find. People still want great colleges. They want science, literature, medicine, mathematics, engineering, philosophy, and ideas sharpened through honest disagreement conducted by people who can look a camera in the lens and say a simple sentence. They just don't want to refinance the house so a dean can explain that truth is complicated while the plumbing in the dorm still screams at night and the parking fees accrue like compound interest on a moral crisis. If elite schools want trust back, the recipe is reportedly quite simple: lower the fog, raise the standards, fire the Vice Provost for Strategic Fog Elevation, and remember that the customer is not an oppressor. He's just a father from Ohio who sold his boat. Until then, the Ivies may remain poisoned primarily by the one toxin nobody can compost, tax-deduct, or process through a restorative circle: self-importance. A condition that, tragically, has no vaccine — though several universities are currently convening a task force to study whether developing one would be culturally appropriate, context-permitting. This satirical article is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real absurdities is purely educational. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! Read the full article
