#absentlcver

i. the words ‘i love you’ come a little too easily to ezra, almost so that he always, always has to remember when not to say it. the first time he almost does, it’s in the dingy bathroom of the bar next to the art building, bass boosting through the speakers. some local band is playing, much too metal for his tastes, so he gets away, and drags lex with him. they’re both sweaty and maybe a little too tipsy, which probably explains the smile on ezra’s face. he can’t stop giggling. “you...” he wheezes, gripping the edge of the sink he’s leaning against. “you told me iwasgonnalovethebandplayingtonight. little shit.” the words come slurred as he shakes his head. “you’re so lucky i only like you. and that you’re hot as fuck.” he grabs him by the collar, pressing his lips against his desperately.

ii. the second time, ezra’s high, lying on the floor of lex’s dorm with a burnt-out joint in between his fingers. his bags fall over his eyes and he’s trying to blink them out, to no avail. he wrinkles his nose, exhaling the last of the smoke into the air. “your weed is shit.” he stands up slowly, and flops onto the covers, resting his head on lex’s chest. his fingers drum against warm skin, and he closes his eyes so he can hear his heartbeat better. “i feel like someone sucked the life out of me, and i hate you for it. i should bring mine next time.” he looks up. “remind me.”

iii. when ezra was ten, his parents signed him up for trumpet lessons — better put your strong park lungs to use if you’re not going to take up swimming, they said. that lasted six months before he gave up, giving his shiny new trumpet away to someone who needed it. 

he’s not musically-inclined at all, but whatever lex is playing on his old guitar is surely much worse than his rendition of can you feel the love tonight. “play me a song, babe,” he’d said; only to hear out-of-tune strumming and whatever obnoxious lyrics his boyfriend can think of on the spot. when he finishes, ezra scowls, whacking the side of his arm. “i can’t believe you! you told me you could play something good. i hate you.” he says those last words with a giggle or two slipping out, full cheeks rising up. he doesn’t hate it at all.

iv. it takes months before lex finally agrees to meet his parents. it’s, thankfully, a dinner without hadley; ezra doesn’t need his weed of a cousin to voice her opinions on who he’s dating this time around. “you look fine,” he tells lex, straightening out his dress shirt. “my parents are good people. they’ll like you because i like you.” he gives him a soft peck, smiling. 

when the dinner is over, he slides his hand into his, resting his head on lex’s shoulder. “see, wasn’t so bad, right, babe? told you they’d like you, even if you were annoying as fuck telling them about how we met. i was ready to break up right then and there.” he’s teasing, sighing softly. “good to know you made them laugh, at least.”

v. ezra park is not a scaredy cat. or at least, that’s what he tells himself when his boyfriend drags him to a haunted house, which isn’t even that scary to begin with. “i’ll be fine,” he lied. “have you seen me? nerves of steel, baby.” but ezra’s jumpy, and lets out shrieks that could probably break glass. by the time they head out, he’s clinging to his boyfriend like a koala to a tree, heart racing violently. “we’re never doing that again. i hated it so much. you’re the worst. is it over? dear god, it better be over.” he knows it is, but he doesn’t want to let go of lex just yet.

vi. it’s perfect, really. his assignment is something in the vein of investigative journalism, which means taking survey and generally giving ezra a free pass to be as annoying as he can be. and he knows the perfect person to start his investigation on, sitting right in front of him. his smile is bright and his eyes are sparkling as he taps lex’s knee with his pen. he’s been looking sullen lately, and as someone whose job is to be a good boyfriend, ezra is going to try his best to cheer him up. “hey, i’m doing a survey for class on how people react to certain phrases, can you help me out?” he doesn’t wait for an answer before bringing out his phone, opening up the voice recorder app. “okay. so i’m gonna tell you something, just react normally.” he goes through them carefully, and takes a deep breath before the last one. “finally, i love you.” he looks up with hesitant eyes, biting his lip softly. “i really do.” 

but lex is quiet, deathly so, and ezra wishes he’d say something. he’s never been a fan of silence. “lex? baby?” he whispers, stopping the recording. “i can give you another phrase if you want.”

the next phrase doesn’t come in the next few days. instead, ezra finds himself on the floor of his childhood bedroom, curled up in a ball and trying to stop the sobs from coming out.