#aboutesfjs

ESFJ’s, and most high Fe types, have a tendency to love wide and fast.They love people who they have almost no connection to and they love lots of people. Big circles of people who they share a true but slightly shallow love with. But it takes a long time to make an Fe love deep. For them to move past the people-pleasing, acts of service love to a more pure love that is just them being desperate to spend time with you. You know an ESFJ or Fe loves you when they want things from you. When they want your love back. When they are selfish instead of just giving. When they do things for you but they expect and desire love in return. Fe truly loves when Fe wants to be loved in return.

I’m slightly unsure about how Fi love in comparison, perhaps slow but deep. Loving small amounts of people in great abundance? I can not say for certain but it would certainly make sense. I’d be interested to see an Fi’s opinion on this. Please, add you thoughts. 

So half of this is stolen from my previous posts but I wanted to compile it all for you so, here are some ways to understand an love your ESFJ friends (and mums). I intend to keep adding to it over time and please feel free to do the same via reblog or submission.

Attracting an ESFJ

1. Hello tradition and manners. We like them, we are not as picky as other SJ’s but don’t be fooled, manners go a long way in our books. If you are a guy trying to impress a girl this is key. Open the door, make the first move, treat her like a lady (without being patronizing), we won’t go hard core feminist on you (most of the time… maybe for a joke sometimes) But we really do find those things touching. Alternatively if you are a girl, LET HIM do that stuff. If you open the door for him or try turning his polite act around on him he will most likely just feel deflated and awkward. Its how we show we care. Srs tho. Chivalry is life.

2. Inside Jokes. Gotta love inside jokes. Something thats ours, in our little bubble. Something thats just you and them, that you mention casually and the little things you do to reference those inside jokes. And DON’T leave them out of other inside jokes, if you have them with other people, don’t reference them and then not explain, we hateeee to be left out.

3. People, people, people. People matter! Talk to them about your life, their life, good news you heard about a mate. Let them talk about their mates, their day, and don’t assume its gossip, we just like talking about people. We like to talk and it can be annoying but often we talk cause no one else will, but we like listening too. Nothings worse than feeling like you’re the only one talking.

4. Tell them little things about yourself, stupid little things. Silly little stories from your childhood, a little moment you had the other week. We love it, and it makes us feel a little closer to you. And if you can, remember the little things we tell you about us. Nothing means more. Little gifts that mean a lot, little moments of laughter, we do like to stop and smell the roses, to enjoy those little things. So let us.

5. Attention. We do like attention. Doesn’t everyone? Message us first, do little things like pay extra attention to us in a group, make time to see us. Don’t do that “cool-guy” thing where you ignore us and chat to all your friends to try and be mysterious and alluring or WHATEVER. Its not attractive and you’ll probs hurt our feelings and have us questioning everything.

6. Okay this seems obvious but never, ever, ever leave a conversation without properly saying goodbye. I’ve noticed a lot of people do this and for some bizarre reason think its okay to stop talking when the conversation drifts off.This. Kills. Our. Soul. Just please dear god never do that. It just makes us question what we’ve said to drive you off. But this is more general than just ESFJ’s.

7. We do like to be touched. On the arm, hand, joking pat on the head, a quick hug (if appropriate). Seems weird… don’t force it too much (and don’t overdo it :P), but its true. A little touch on the arm can mean a lot. Or a consensual cuddle.

8. Use your damn face. Show emotion for goodness sakes. If you are listening NOD YOUR HEAD, hold their eyes, smile, show emotion on your face. INTJ’s can be soooo hard to deal with because they show like no emotion and i ALWAYS worry i am boring them to DEATH and so i just stop talking. Show emotion.  

9. Show us how you feel. duh. We wanna know and if you don’t give us some indication our insecurity will kill your chances. Not even just how you feel about us. Show us how you feel about everything as you go along. #Fe

10. (Gotta be cliche) Be yourself. We are generally pretty accepting of everyone but being some fake robotic person will not get you far

Ways to Avoid hurting an ESFJ

1. They are not stupid. Never patronize an ESFJ. Sometimes we come across as childish, immature or incapable of deeper thought… but its just because we like to laugh and unwind by being playful. We do not enjoy the potential angst that serious topics can create and thus avoid them at times. We are often down for a deeper conversation though, if the opportunity arises.

2. They are affected by your emotions, even if they don’t show it. Every frown has us worried, every smile brings us joy. We can’t help it and sometimes we hate it. But the Fe emotions do fluctuate a lot depending on its environment.

3. They are sensitive. Be careful with playful humor that may hurt them. But don’t tip-toe around them either as we hate it when people treat us like babies. Be sensitive, but not patronizing.  

4. Never insult the people they love. ESFJs, like all, will react to this. But they are likely to be a lot more aggressive as they can be a bit like mums.

5. YOU ARE DIFFERENT (unless you’re an ESFJ). Remember that. You think and feel differently. Don’t try and understand. Just accept.

6. Don’t ever tell them they are “too much”. Never tell them to worry less, be less complimentary, be less talkative or call us annoying for doing these things. That hurts more than anything as that is a big part of how we show love.

7. Don’t call them a gossip or nosy for caring about people. Sometimes we gossip yes, and call us out for sure. BUT sometimes we care about people and we don’t know how to deal with them, or we are having a hard time and we just need to talk it through because of our Fe. The worst thing you could do is call it gossiping as that is NOT our heart behind it.

Helping a stressed ESFJ

Love them. Be there for them. Don’t try and “fix” or “solve” their problems unless they give you signs that they want you to, or its something small like making a meal. ESFJ’s are SJ’s and they have a way they like to do things, but their Fe will mean they won’t really tell you if you’re doing it wrong because they’ll be touched you’re trying to help… but you might make it worse. So be careful. More just try and be there to talk, to be present, to be understanding when they need help. Things like a meal, or some chocolate, or something like giving them a lift or whatever (something that there’s no way to mess up basically) can be super nice and really appreciated. Mostly as the love they will feel from that will help more than anything. A cuddle r hug or chat does some wondrous things. But also, space if they need. Exroverts need “me time” too. You have to judge it on a case-by-case basis, every ESFJ is different and reacts slightly differently.

Showing love for an ESFJ

1. We overthink things a lot, so soothing those thoughts is always very helpful.. and please don’t give us reasons to overthink. Be straight up, and honest. This is such a key.

2. Let us love you. We love to love. People love to love. So let us love you how we love you. By being an annoying mum friend or telling you off about not sleeping enough. By bringing you chocolate or by trying to talk to you about whats going on. We love as best we can and sometimes all you need to do is let us.

3. We love how we want to be loved, so pay attention. If you want to take care of your ESFJ, pay attention to how they love and take care of you.

4. We like to talk. A lot. We talk too much. We are very chatty. Let us be. Let us talk and talk back as well. We don’t want to talk AT you. We want to talk with you. So talk.

I know a lot of these things all seem very general and like they might apply to all types. In a way, they do. BUT theses are the BEST for ESFJ’s. Good for others, and other things are also good for ESFJs… But I think these are the best things you can do. Love you alll heaps. Thanks for your support

Okay. A couple of points. First, sorry about the late reply, I just had to leave tumblr for a bit to get my life in order as I was overly addicted. But onto the question:

Extroverts still need “me time”

Sometimes people forget about this, or don’t think its very important. Extroversion and Introversion is a spectrum. In the same way that introverts don’t want to spend ALL their time alone; extroverts don’t always want to be around people. If your friend is very busy and very stressed then she may be struggling to find that down time, so if she’s pulling away, don’t pressure her to talk or hang out. She still loves you and she’ll get back on track if you give her time. But that may not be the whole issue, so defiantly do not go AWOL on her. She’s still Fe, mostly try and let her talk if she needs, ask and be genuine but don’t push too hard. 

Stress may cause other functions to ‘take over’

In times of stress, different types can do a whole lot of things. They can get caught in the grip, the loop or just use their second functions a bit more than normal. I won’t go into too much depth in this but might do a post on it later. This can be healthy or VERY unhealthy. Fe isn’t actually that great at helping solve problems like organisation or school stress. So an ESFJ might start using their Si/Ne/Ti a bit more than normal. This could be positive development or it can be unhealthy squashing of Fe. Fe needs harmony so when that is not achievable they will try and get rid of stress through other functions OR ignore their Fe all together. The second is not very healthy. So if they are crying, breaking down, getting angry and basically having crazy emotions/no emotions AT ALL then this MAY be a sign of neglected Fe. BUT if they just seem more focused, directed and a little colder than usual, but still mostly content and still showing some Fe tenancies, this might be okay for them and necessary while dealing with stress. My Fe was like that during exams. I’d be worried if it was ongoing though. What they are doing might also tell you which of their functions they are relying on. If they’ve turned all Ti that’d also be a worry because that’s not a happy or natural state for an Fe dom. But a little big picture Ne or a little more Ti than normal is totally fine. You just gotta watch them and try and peg what they are doing and if its healthy. Feel free to ask me more specific questions on this.  

How to help a stressed out ESFJ

Love them. Be there for them. Don’t try and “fix” or “solve” their problems unless they give you signs that they want you to, or its something small like making a meal. ESFJ’s are SJ’s and they have a way they like to do things, but their Fe will mean they won’t really tell you if you’re doing it wrong because they’ll be touched you’re trying to help… but you might make it worse. So be careful. More just try and be there to talk, to be present, to be understanding when they need help. Things like a meal, or some chocolate, or something like giving them a lift or whatever (something that there’s no way to mess up basically) can be super nice and appreciated. But also, space if they need. You have to judge it on a case-by-case basis, every ESFJ is different and reacts slightly differently. 

Hope this helped and sorry again about the late reply. 

Aha this is a big question…. and a very hard one. And i might sound a bit cocky….. Gah.

Like: 

I like that i am a sensor, and that there is a part of me so consumed with emotions that i know i can’t hide them so i don’t try. I like how that forces me to be more honest. I like that my Fe pushes me to put others before myself and see the best in people. I like that i am J and that my life is structured and i like that i am SJ and that i value and honour tradition and manners, but i like that my Fe stops me from being to picky about that. I like that I am an extrovert and that I can be my crazy extroverted self with other extroverts. I like that I get to be (this sounds so dodgy) a bit of a odd ESFJ in my interests because it means that while i am surrounded by iNtuitives that think crazy diffrent to me, i sometimes get to be the one with the weird new perspective. I like that i notice little things and remember them.

Dislike:

I dislike pretty much all the things i like. I hate that i can’t hide my emotions and that i become a doormat for some people. I hate that i am so picky about having things organised and that i judge people so much for having bad manners. I hate that i need to be around people and that i am so loud and “bubbly”. I hate that people just see me as bubbly and blonde. I hate that i am not an iNtuitive and that i can’t see the things that they see and i hate that there aren’t that many ESFJ’s or even S’s interested in the same things as me. I dislike that my personality can be so easily affected by other people and that i can be vain and fold to peer pressure, AND I HATE that i notice little things and remember them cause people find it weird.

Oh my word how perfect! My mum is INFP and i am an ESFJJJJJ… so are my two oldest mates. haha lols.

Avoiding Conflict with ESFJ’s

I reckon our Fe/Fi clash the most and that can be very hard. ESFJ’s struggle with Fi. Your emotions will influence her a HEAP. I mean you are already her child so of course they will. But even more so because she has dominant Fe. She needs to get her emotions OUT. So if she is crying and has mood swings and is dramatic and talks to much its because she is just expelling negative emotions. That being said ESFJ’s will try and keep it inside. But unlike people with Fi, its not healthy. So don’t let her do that. 

If you are calm and have even emotions then there is much more of a chance she will. Now i know she is the adult but her emotions will be affected by yours. Don’t diss her traditions and things she holds dear. If she shares something with you don’t tell her to shush or ignore her. Be careful when making fun of her. She might be really hurt but not show it. We are really sensitive and being easily hurt is one of the big downfalls of that. I do that a lot.  

MBTI might help her understand you a LOT. Take the time to explain it to her. What got me hooked is the contrast between people. Help explain to her not “the over all theory” but the more details bits. Show her the differences between you and her and the things that are alike. Si loves comparing and contrasting. 

Fe values other people feelings above everything else. And believes everyone else should as well. That doesn’t mean they are illogical… But someone else’s feelings are often more important than them being right. And Fi tends to worry more about what is morally right how they feel personally. Obviously both have good and bad points but you catch my drift. 

Top five things to remember for avoiding conflict with an ESFJ

1. They are not stupid. Never patronise an ESFJ.

2. They are affected by your emotions, even if they don’t show it

3. They are sensitive. Be careful with playful humour that may insult them. But don’t tip-toe around them either.  

4. Never insult the people they love.

5. YOU ARE DIFFERENT. Remember that. You think and feel differently. Don’t try and understand. Just accept.

Top Five Tips for getting along with an ESFJ

1. Be polite. Thank you, please, etc. Be appreciative of the things they do compliments are good for everyone. But ESFJ’s love it when their hard work is recognised or something they put effort into is complimented, even if its their appearance.

2. They hint. A LOT. Try and pick up on this.

 3. A bit of healthy gossip goes a long way. But nothing mean or bitchy. They like talking about PEOPLE. They are people persons. Talk to them about your life, their life and the lives of your mates.

4. Try and pick up on little details about them. They are people watches and they pick up on little habits and traits that you have, but they probs won’t mention them too often as people call us creepy. But nothing is nicer when someone else does the same. 

With their dominant Fe, they want to see the best for those they care about, add in a bit of that SJ temperament and you have ultra loyal peeps.

I struggle with this, there are a lot of people who negatively impact my life, they use me as a doormat and i barley care. Cause if they are happy i am happy. But sometimes you have to let go... And i struggle with letting go. 

Not so much with the “change” but more with the losing someone who you care about. Fe blames themselves a lot and ESFJ’s especially will spend their whole life wondering if there was something they could have done.... Even if it was all the other persons fault.

To all my ESFJ’s: Sometimes no matter how much you give it won’t be enough. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help, sometimes you just have to let go because your lives have gone in different directions.