#abaddon's gate

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Books I read in 2024

In the novel, we see Holden start to believe he really is special, pushed to that conclusion by the (ultimately erroneous) belief that the woman who did the things Clarissa actually did was Julie Mao - that Proto-Julie set off a cascade of events designed to get Holden specifically through the Ring, just like Proto-Miller seemed to he aiming for. He sees that Ring Station, and he head for it without prompting to look for answers, because he believes the protomolecule wanted him here for a reason, and going there would mean both fulfilling his purpose and finding out what that purpose is.

Then Miller reveals he was 'chosen' simply because the real Miller felt a certain way about him - trusted him, it seems to boil down to - and the protomolecule then reached out to Holden bc it absorbed Miller's consciousness, and Miller saw Holden as the guy to get things done, and...that's it. But Holden continues to think more must he at play because why then did Proto-Julie go to such great lengths as part of this conspiracy to bring Holden here? She didn't know him after all.

When Holden explains everything, starting from first seeing Miller a year before, it all hits him - he isn't special at all. He doesn't actually care about that; what he cares about is the fact he bought into it at all. He feels incredibly foolish. Humiliated by his own hubris. I imagine that will get even stronger when he realizes the actual woman behind it all was Julies very much alive and protomolecule-free sister. Holden doesn't necessarily desire being special, but that he jumped to that conclusion at all is humiliating to him.

Then we have Show-Holden. We see Show-Monica suggesting more than once that he's special, but Holden continues to refute it. Even when she says 'I think you are, I think you know you are, I think you like it' he calls her out - says he thinks she's just trying to get a rise out of him. This Holden, much like the written one, would feel foolish if he believed he was special and wasn't. It's possible that part of why he insists he isn't is the belief it would be foolish to think it regardless of evidence presented: the hubris he doesn't want to fall prey to, and which Novel-Holden does.

He also never has the factor of a belief that Proto-Julie is involved. How would that affect Show-Holden though if he did? Would he ask again what makes him special in the way he once asks Proto-Miller the same?

A part of me thinks he wouldn't, because of where the urge to even ask that seems to come from. Show-Holden has had been made very aware of the potentially far reaching consequences of his actions. His sense of responsibility prevents him from doing otherwise, even when he disagrees about the specifics of what he is or isn't at fault for (e.g. he sees his role in the earth-mars conflict earlier in the show as different than other accuse him of, because he sees something that the viewers, on the outside looking in, do: that this was a conflict that had been building over decades, maybe centuries, to the point that what would set it off would be less an instigating element and more an excuse. We see how the political machinations of those like Avasarala reveal this: she's aware that it's an excuse those two militaries and governments are looking for, and her efforts to prevent war are all focused on removing any potential excuses, which she recognizes as a stop-gap solution more than anything else).

Holden's awareness of that is made explicit in the scene on the Station. He refuses to complete that circuit until Proto-Miller tells him what the consequences will be: specifically, what harm it could or will do to others. Seeing a more 'human' Miller who talks about Julie and how it was to die is what enables him to go forward with it: he's shown a version of a man he trusts to *care* about those consequences. He's been reassured that this isn't a malevolent entity; perhaps even one of compassion, even if that compassion originates from the memory of Miller's mind rather than the protomolecule itself. A sense of urgeny does the rest.

So what about that urge to ask? I think it comes less from a place of wanting to know for its own sake, and for his concept of himself, and more from wanting to know so far as what that could mean for humanity in general. He asks 'why me' because if he knows why, he can use that information when he weighs his choices; a calculation. It's not about him - it's about the protomolecule's motivations, by whatever definition of 'motivation' might apply. The content of those motivations then in turn inform him of whether doing what it says will have dire consequences or if those dire consequences are what will come to pass if he refuses. And, 'knowingly' or not, it becomes a matter not so much of the real Miller's trust in Holden, but about Holden's trust in Miller.

That trust comes into play in Season 4, when he helps Proto-Miller out by fixing the planet's machinery, to put it one way. Proto-Miller already told him how to stop the Ring Station from destroying all those inside, and the rest of humanity along with it. It's not like when he trusted the info that got them in the Ring safely - that was about hinging their lives on Proto-Miller's need for a 'ride'. Negotiates for their safety with it. But how to save humanity from destruction? The protomolecule would have no interest in that: as he says, it's like paving over an anthill. Humans mean nothing to that force. Malevolence or benevolence are a non-factor. But Proto-Miller acted with benevolence by giving him the information he needed to understand how they could all survive, how to show they weren't a threat. Holden doesn't have to trust the protomolecule's non-motivations...he only has to trust the rememnants of Miller he came to see while inside the station as the apparition spoke about his moments with Proto-Julie on Eros; his feelings about death, which meant he *had* feelings. Compassion, fear, regret.

It puts the question of 'why me' in the backseat. Holden doesn't need to know anymore. He had the real question behind 'why me' answered: got the information he was really concerned with (or at least he believed he did). This is demonstrated when the question expands from 'why me' to 'why us': Holden wonders and asks multiple times if humanity as a whole has been chosen for some unknown purpose, if there's something about them that made the protomolecule open up the universe to them or if their humanity is simply incidental, along with their existence. If they're just tools, then what kind of tool? Does the protomolecule, and possibly the builders who made it, need something from them, and if so, what is it?

The thrust of the question hasn't changed. Holden wants to know if humanity's actions - their choices, their behavior, even their mere presence - will have dire consequences, or if *not* continuing to use the Rings will. This is a Holden who will ask 'why me' only up until the time to act comes: why or how he ended up in the position to do something stops mattering - all that matters is the fact of him being in that position and then actually doing it. The reasons aren't important unless they affect the outcome.

I'm not trying to suggest that Show-Holden is some perfectly altuistic person, selfless to the point caring nothing for what happens to him and only what happenes to others, but he does prioritize it. He alters his behavior not only to prevent death and institutionalized harm but to be kinder to people he loves. When he's made to realize in Season 6 that his apparent disregard for his own safety hurts the people who love him, he promises to do better, then does. He priotizes the people he loves not because they have some greater purpose but because they're important to *him*. He cares about his home and his family and sees preserving those things as important for their own sake, and for himself. His needs, including emotional, do come into play. As they should.

He still fucks up, still gets things wrong, still has all the flaws he has, but that's good, because it makes his character feel like a real person and not just a symbol - some idealized version of a hero that either turns the character two dimensional or elevates them beyond realistic expectations. The show and novels both examine what it means to be human; the things we value, the ways we behave, how our emotions manifest in actions - our flaws, our limits, our strengths, our potential. Having your main hero escape all that somehow would run counter to the story's messaging, whatever its format or version.

From the beginning, Cortez acts as though he is going to find out what the ring is. When Anna points out that it's clearly a wormhole, he brushes her off. She is going to the ring to find out what it means, not what it is, and in hopes that she will be able to make it less frightening for her followers at home.

And when the catastrophe of the slow zone happens, Cortez collapses into despair, because this is about him, about God punishing his hubris. Anna, on the other hand, starts helping, because this is about others and the alleviating of suffering. She's able to identify Clarissa as the terrorist because she had reached out to a random engineer in the canteen who looked like she was having a hard time.

And that's why "we have to make a weapon so powerful it will kill us in the process" appeals to Cortez, and "we have to turn our engines off and prove we aren't a threat" appeals to Anna.

Cortez follows the plan that says they must martyr themselves (and unwilling others) to save humanity from an alien threat. He tells Clarissa that glorious death is her only chance for redemption and believes the same for himself. He only goes to Clarissa once she serves a purpose in that salvation.