#aahp

My first mistake was not doing my research.  I simply heard on the news that a man had cannibalized a fellow human being’s face after getting "high" on bath salts before I switched the television off and ran straight to Bed Bath and Beyond.

Turned out, I was not alone.  The store was packed with hundreds of teenagers who were obviously all watching the same news coverage I was. 

As I browsed the selection of various flavors, brands and forms, I was thinking to myself, “What will be the most pleasant to use?”  After some experimentation, I found my answer: none.  This was the most horrible experience of my life.  No joy.

I settled on raspberry cheesecake-scented salts, but then came my next dilemma.  How the f*** do I ingest this?!

Now I am no druggie, but I know how they are used.  I tried everything.  Diced it up nice and fine and snorted it, but that shit hurt more than being stabbed in the eyes while having an elephant step on your balls.

I tried smoking it out of a pipe but it wouldn’t light.  It just turned black.  So, my natural outdoorsman came out and I ran to the backyard, gathered some twigs and used it as kindling to help ignite the fire, like I did in my Boy Scout days.  Still wouldn’t take. 

I saw something in the movies once where someone melted drugs down on a spoon.  Tried it.  All it did was melt the plastic. 

So I gave up and went and read a book. 

God, what a rush.

This idea is a propaganda technique used to perpetuate the notion that not sleeping is not only cool, but beneficial as well. Think of how much can be done if one doesn’t need to sleep! But what is it, exactly, that the government wants people to do with these extra hours in the day?

This puzzled me too until I read an article outlining the trend that China will surpass the American economy by 2016. However, China's is not the only economy that is growing faster than ours. The American government wants to keep up with other growing economies from around the world, so the less sleep its people get, the better. In order to boost the economy, Americans needed to work harder. And what better way to make a worker work more? Faux energy. 

The bailout packages weren’t just for banks. Energy drink-producing companies got a nice chunk of change for their work in the “American Comeback.”

Unfortunately, other countries struck back, and far more brutally. They manufacture weapons more powerful than any Monster or Rockstar; they make video games. True, American companies contribute to this market, but it is only a knee-jerk reaction with the mindset of, “Well, if you can’t beat ‘em... make better video games for Amurica!" The American-made games promote repetitive and menial, yet goal-oriented, tasks for the players. It is often against some foreign enemy, whether that be the invading Covenant or Nazi Zombies.

Conclusion: There is a government conspiracy to morph it's sleepless citizens into mindlessly patriotic worker machines.

This work, though, seems to be contained within pixelated parameters. From COD to WoW to Skyrim to Super Mario, these games contain any potentially active workers, thus maintaining the current status quo of the American work ethic.

While there is light at the end of the tunnel, resist the urge for energy! It’s a ruse. Lethargic work habits are the American way, and even fake energy, however powerful, cannot stop that.