(Director's Note: Feferi, you've got couch duty. Same configuration as earlier: right in the center of the stage. Nepeta, Equius, each of you grab a plant from stage left and get 'em by the couch.)
(Director's Note: NOPE, not doing that. Dave, as soon as the couch is out, lie on it. Rose, you enter from stage left. Equius, Nepeta, stay out of her way!)
Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in
way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
(Director's Note: Dave, this is when you get up. For the "well hanged," that pelvic thrust you're doing is good. The two of you, hang out upstage slightly left.)
let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this
world needs to fear no colours
he shall see none to fear
A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that
saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'
where, good mistress mary
In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
well god give them wisdom that have it; and those
that are fools let them use their talents
(D.N.: Dave, low bow. If your hair touches the floor, you're doing it right.)
Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,
to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and
for turning away let summer bear it out
(D.N.: Dave, go lie on the couch again. Hold up two fingers before saying the word "two.)
not so neither; but i am resolved on two points
That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both
break, your gaskins fall.
(D.N.: Dave, laugh and get up. Aim stage right this time.)
apt in good faith very apt. well, go thy way; if
sir toby would leave drinking thou wert as witty a
piece of eve's flesh as any in illyria
Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my
lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
(DN: Go stage-right, Rose.)
it an't be thy will put me into good fooling.
those wits that think they have thee do very oft
prove fools and i that am sure i lack thee may
pass for a wise man: for what says quinapalus
'better a witty fool than a foolish wit.'
Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO
(D.N.: Everyone''s coming in from stage left this time. Roxy, Feferi, you're with Kanaya here. Dave, bow and retreat, walking backward stage right. Eridan, you just sort of hang around. Kanaya and Eridan stop slightly left of center-stage.)
(D.N.: Roxy, Feferi, move to grab Dave. When he responds with his line, stop and turn to Kanaya.)
do you not hear fellows? take away the lady
(DN: Kanaya, at "besides," begin crossing to the couch, and sit down primly when you're done. Eridan, follow her and stand on the stage left side of the couch. That "just licked a lemon" look you've got going is ideal. Dave, follow Kanaya as best you can, and cross your arms and lean on the stage right arm rest.)
Go To, Youre A Dry Fool; I'll No More Of You:
Besides You Grow Dishonest
(DN: Dave, hold up two fingers again so that the audience can see them. Do any gesturing with your right hand. Mime bottles, dismissal, what have you. At "if it will not," shrug enough that you're off the couch entirely. Gesture emphatically for your last pair of lines. Kanaya, as he gets going, giggle.)
two faults madonna that drink and good counsel
will amend: for give the dry fool drink then is
the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend
himself; if he mend he is no longer dishonest; if
he cannot let the botcher mend him. any thing
thats mended is but patched: virtue that
transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that
amends is but patched with virtue. if that this
simple syllogism will serve so; if it will not
what remedy? as there is no true cuckold but
calamity so beauty's a flower. the lady bade take
away the fool; therefore i say again take her away
Sir I Bade Them Take Away You
misprision in the highest degree! Lady cucullus non
facit monachum; thats as much to say as i wear not
motley in my brain. good madonna give me leave to
prove you a fool
i must catechise you for it madonna good my mouse
of virtue answer me
Well Sir For Want Of Other Idleness I'll Bide Your Proof
good madonna why mournest thou???
(DN: Kanaya, I like the way you're saying this line sadly. It suits you.)
Good Fool For My Brother's Death
i think his soul is in hell madonna
I Know His Soul Is In Heaven Fool
the more fool madonna to mourn for your brother's
soul being in heaven. take away the fool gentlemen
(DN: Roxy, move toward the couch. Feferi, grab her shoulder and shake your head.)
What Think You Of This Fool Malvolio? Doth He Not Mend
yes and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:
infirmity that decays the wwise doth evver make the
better fool
god send you sir a speedy infirmity for the
better increasing your folly! sir toby will be
sworn that i am no fox but he will not pass his
word for two pence that you are no fool
How Say You To That Malvolio?
i marvvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
barren rascal: i saw him put down the other day
with an ordinary fool that has no more brain
than a stone. look you now hes out of his guard
already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to
him he is gagged. i protest i take these wwise men
that croww so at these set kind of fools no better
than the fools' zanies
(DN: Dave, your reaction to this goes from stunned shock to actual rage. This is your motivation for the rest of the play. Make a show of it. Kanaya, for this next bit, you don't notice how angry Dave is and respond somewhat fondly to Eridan. Dave, when she's done, kiss up to her while glaring at Eridan.)
Oh You Are Sick Of SelfLove Malvolio And Taste
With A Distempered Appetite. To Be Generous
Guiltless And Of Free Disposition Is To Take Those
Things For Bird-Bolts That You Deem Cannonbullets:
There Is No Slander In An Allowed Fool Though He Do
Nothing But Rail Nor No Railing In A Known Discreet
Man Though He Do Nothing But Reprove
now mercury endue thee with leasing for thou
speakest well of fools
(DN: From stage left again, Rose.)
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much
desires to speak with you.
(DN: Kanaya, jump up. This is not happy news.)
From The Count Orsino Is It
I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
Who Of My People Hold Him In Delay?
Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
(DN: Kanaya, this is very bad news. You are desperate!)
Fetch Him Off I Pray You; He Speaks Nothing But
Madman: Fie On Him
Go You Malvolio: If It Be A Suit From The Count I
Am Sick Or Not At Home; What You Will To Dismiss It
(DN: Also stage left. It's gonna get crowded back there.)
Now You See Sir How Your Fooling Grows Old And
People Dislike It
thou hast spoke for us madonna as if thy eldest
son should be a fool; whose skull jove cram with
brains! For … here he comes … one of thy kin has a
most weak pia mater
(DN: From stage left. Feferi, Roxy, you've got to keep the right side of the stage interesting. Not center of attention, but real. John, you are staggering, waving the bottle of "purple drank" around like a madman.)
By Mine Honour Half Drunk. What Is He At The Gate Cousin
A Gentleman! What Gentleman
(DN: John, you burp as loudly as you can, using whatever aid you want. Dave, Kanaya, your response is disgust. It smells bad.)
'tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these
pickle-herring! how now, sot!
Cousin Cousin How Have You Come So Early By This Lethargy
(DN: John, you remember in the middle of your line what you're here for. Change your pose as much as you can. Kanaya, you are exasperated.)
lechery! i defy lechery. there's one at the gate.
let him be the devil, an he will, i care not: give
me faith, say i. well, it's all one.
(DN: Stage left, John. Stagger off. Pretend to drink at least once. Kanaya, you are tired and worried. Sink back down on the couch. Dave, you are conciliatory. You want her to feel better.)
Whats A Drunken Man Like Fool
like a drowned man a fool and a mad man: one
draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads
him; and a third drowns him
Go Thou And Seek The Crowner And Let Him Sit O My
Coz For Hes In The Third Degree Of Drink Hes
Drowned: Go Look After Him
he is but mad yet madonna; and the fool shall look
to the madman
(DN: Dave, go left. Pat her on the shoulder before you go. Eridan, you're coming in from stage left. Crash into Dave. You are angry and confused when you talk to Kanaya.)
madam yond young felloww swwears he wwill speak wwith
you. i told him you wwere sick; he takes on him to
understand so much and therefore comes to speak
wwith you. i told him you wwere asleep; he seems to
havve a foreknowwledge of that too and therefore
comes to speak wwith you. wwhat is to be said to him
lady? hes fortified against any denial.
Tell Him He Shall Not Speak With Me
has been told so; and he says he'll stand at your
door like a sheriff's post and be the supporter to
a bench but he'll speak wwith you
(DN: Eridan, you are completely oblivious to her frustration.)
of vvery ill manner; he'll speak wwith you wwill you or no
Of What Personage And Years Is He
not yet old enough for a man nor young enough for
a boy; as a squash is before tis a peascod or a
cooling wwhen 'tis almost an apple: tis wwith him
in standing wwater betwween boy and man. he is vvery
wwell-favvored and he speaks vvery shrewwishly; one
wwould think his mother's milk wwere scarce out of him
Let Him Approach: Call In My Gentlewoman
gentlewwoman, my lady calls
(DN: Eridan, you yell your line before you're offstage. It's a joke. You leave stage left, and Rose enters stage left. Swerve around each other.)
(DN: From stage left, carrying four veils. Rose, you know what's up.)
Give Me My Veil: Come, Throw It Oer My Face
We'll Once More Hear Orsinos Embassy
Enter VIOLA, and Attendants
(DN: By attendants, we mean Tavros, Nepeta, and Equius. You are going to hang out in the background and look nice. Rose, you're going to put veils on yourself, Kanaya, Feferi, and Roxy. You're all going to sit on the couch. It will be a tight fit. Jane, approach the couch and stop upstage left of it. Get down on one knee, and then look really confused.)
The honorable lady of the house, which is she?
Speak To Me I Shall Answer For Her
Your Will
(DN: Jane, direct your "I pray you" at Feferi. Fef, shrug like you honestly don't know which of you it is.)
Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I
pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,
for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away
my speech, for besides that it is excellently well
penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good
beauties let me sustain no scorn; I am very
comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
I can say little more than I have studied, and that
question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me
modest assurance if you be the lady of the house,
that I may proceed in my speech.
No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs
of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you
the lady of the house?
If I Do Not Usurp Myself I Am
(DN: Kanaya, stand up when Jane says "yourself." Roxy, Feferi, Rose, remove your veils.)
Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp
yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours
to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will
on with my speech in your praise, and then show you
the heart of my message.
Come To What Is Important In't I Forgive You The Praise
Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.
It Is The More Like To Be Feigned: I Pray You
Keep It In. I Heard You Were Saucy At My Gates
And Allowed Your Approach Rather To Wonder At You
Than To Hear You. If You Be Not Mad Be Gone If
You Have Reason Be Brief: Tis Not That Time Of
Moon With Me To Make One In So Skipping A Dialogue
(DN: Rose, stand up at "be gone" and cross to Jane. When it's your turn, grab her shoulders and wheelbarrow her away. Jane, resist.)
Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.
(DN: Jane, at "hull," wheel about and cross back to Kanaya. Indicate Rose for "giant," and sound angry about it! Become sympathetic at the end.)
No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little
longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet
lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.
Sure You Have Some Hideous Matter To Deliver When
The Courtesy Of It Is So Fearful. Speak Your Office
It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of
war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my
hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.
Yet You Began Rudely. What Are You? What Would You?
The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I
learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I
would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears,
divinity, to any other's, profanation.
(DN: Rose, Roxy, Feferi, you are affronted and shocked by Jane's accusation of rudeness!)
Give Us The Place Alone: We Will Hear This Divinity
Exeunt MARIA and Attendants
(DN: Stage right  for Feferi and Roxy, who are still on the couch. Rose, go left. Equius and Nepeta, follow Rose. Tavros, pretend to leave, but stay onstage and react to everything you hear.)
Now Sir What Is Your Text?
A Comfortable Doctrine And Much May Be Said Of It
Where Lies Your Text
In His Bosom? In What Chapter Of His Bosom
To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.
O I Have Read It: It Is Heresy. Have You No More To Say
Good madam, let me see your face.
Have You Any Commission From Your Lord To Negotiate
With My Face? You Are Now Out Of Your Text But
We Will Draw The Curtain And Show You The Picture.
Look You Sir Such A One I Was This Present: Ist
Not Well Done
Excellently done, if God did all.
(DN: Tavros, be utterly in awe of her beauty.)
Tis In Grain Sir; Twill Endure Wind And Weather
'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on:
Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive,
If you will lead these graces to the grave
And leave the world no copy.
O Sir I Will Not Be So Hard-Hearted; I Will Give
Out Divers Schedules Of My Beauty: It Shall Be
Inventoried And Every Particle And Utensil
Labelled To My Will As Item Two Lips
Indifferent Red Item Two Grey Eyes With Lids To
Them Item One Neck One Chin And So Forth. Were
You Sent Hither To Praise Me
I see you what you are, you are too proud;
But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
My lord and master loves you: O, such love
Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd
The nonpareil of beauty!
With adorations, fertile tears,
With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
Your Lord Does Know My Mind; I Cannot Love Him
Yet I Suppose Him Virtuous Know Him Noble
Of Great Estate Of Fresh And Stainless Youth
In Voices Well Divulged Free Learnd And Valiant
And In Dimension And The Shape Of Nature
A Gracious Person: But Yet I Cannot Love Him
He Might Have Took His Answer Long Ago
If I did love you in my master's flame,
With such a suffering, such a deadly life,
In your denial I would find no sense;
I would not understand it.
(DN: Jane, this is your chance! Make her fall in love with you by the passion of your love!)
Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest
Between the elements of air and earth,
But you should pity me!
(DN: Kanaya, you are now in love with Jane. Congratulations.)
You Might Do Much
What Is Your Parentage
Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
I am a gentleman.
(DN: Kanaya, the "unless" is your realization that you can manipulate Orsino to get more time with Jane. Be crafty! Jane, you are not about it.)
Get You To Your Lord
I Cannot Love Him: Let Him Send No More
Unless Perchance You Come To Me Again
To Tell Me How He Takes It. Fare You Well
I Thank You For Your Pains: Spend This For Me
I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse:
My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;
And let your fervor, like my master's, be
Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.
(DN: Jane, go stage left. Tavros, wheel off at your best speed as soon as you realize she is going to go. Kanaya, you now begin bouncing between excitement and self-control. Let yourself get carried away!)
'What Is Your Parentage'
'Above My Fortunes Yet My State Is Well
I Am A Gentleman' I'll Be Sworn Thou Art
Thy Tongue Thy Face Thy Limbs Actions And Spirit
Do Give Thee FiveFold Blazon: Not Too Fast
Soft Soft
Unless The Master Were The Man. How Now
Even So Quickly May One Catch The Plague
Methinks I Feel This Youths Perfections
With An Invisible And Subtle Stealth
To Creep In At Mine Eyes. Well Let It Be
What Ho Malvolio
here madam at your servvice
(DN: Kanaya, you improvise the bit with the ring. Pull it off your finger.)
Run After That Same Peevish Messenger
The Countys Man: He Left This Ring Behind Him
Would I Or Not: Tell Him I'll None Of It
Desire Him Not To Flatter With His Lord
Nor Hold Him Up With Hopes; I Am Not For Him
If That The Youth Will Come This Way To-Morrow
I'll Give Him Reasons For't: Hie Thee Malvolio
I Do I Know Not What And Fear To Find
Mine Eye Too Great A Flatterer For My Mind
Fate Show Thy Force Ourselves We Do Not Owe
What Is Decreed Must Be And Be This So
(DN: Stage left. Feferi, come back in and strike the couch. Equius and Nepeta, nab the potted plants.)
