Derek wished he could live in moments like this one forever. It was a lazy Sunday morning, the sun just barely peeking above the tree line, with no rush to get up and be anywhere or do anything. So they didn't, they stayed right where they were. Stiles got up just long enough to grab Tillie from her crib and change her diaper, before bringing her back to their bed where Derek was waiting. And that's where they've been for the last fifteen minutes or so. Soon Tillie will start getting fussy for her breakfast, but until then they were just enjoying the peace.
Stiles sat on his side of the bed, sitting with his back against the headboard, scrolling on his phone. Derek laid on his stomach next to Stiles, with his head resting on his arms. He had his eyes closed, but he wasn't sleeping. He would dose occasionally, but mostly he was just enjoying the moment with his family. Tillie sat between them, gumming on her teething ring, and letting out cooing noises every once in a while. When she got bored of that she would pull herself up into a standing position using Stiles' arm as leverage. She couldn't stand on her own yet, but she loved being able to bounce a little while she held onto something for balance. So that's what she did, slapping a hand against Derek's back and laughing. Then she would get bored again and plop back down onto her butt, drawn to whatever else caught her attention. She seemed content entertaining herself as her dads relaxed in the morning calm.
The room smelt of home, of pack. It smelt of thunder, pine, and lavender, a smell that was so distinctly Stiles. It smelt of laughter and vanilla, Tillie's smell becoming just as much engrained in their room as their own. But along with that came the smells of their home. The scent of the same laundry detergent that Stiles has been using since he was a kid, because it was the one his mom used. The smell of the autumn air drifting in from the window that is cracked open across the room, the morning dew that still clung to the grass and the fog that was beginning to retreat with the sun. It smelt of love and family, and a home so deeply established that it was ingrained in the land. Derek hummed quietly, taking in a deep breath through his nose, letting the smell and sounds of his family wash over him.
Tillie pulled herself up again, only to plop back down so she was leaning against Derek's shoulder. He peaked an eye open, making her giggle. She started planting messy and noisy baby kisses onto his shoulder, exaggerating the 'mwah' noise each time. Derek chuckled quietly, leaning in to nuzzle his nose against her cheek. She squealed in delight, planting one of her kisses to his cheek this time. And then she got bored again, pulling herself back up so she could do some more bouncing, occasionally running a chubby hand over Derek's stubble.
It continued like this for a while, the three of them just basking in each other's presence. The sun casting a golden light into their room, covering them like a hug. Derek felt his breath hitch as he watched his husband. He looked gorgeous like this, sleep rumpled and barely awake, but happy. The light of the sun made his eyes glow impossibly brighter, making him want to swim in the honey color. Stiles must have felt his gaze because he looked over at him, smiling warmly. He mouthed 'I love you,' Derek smiling and mouthing it back.
Tillie babbled a little, rolling herself into Stiles' side. Stiles smiled down at her, running a hand over back. She looked up at him with wide eyes that matched Derek's, her fist in her mouth as she gummed at it. Stiles chuckled, gently pulling her hand down and replacing it with her teething ring. She garbled, swinging the ring around.
"Da!"
"Yes, Matilda?"
She made some other baby noise, not quite catching onto the words thing yet beyond Da. Stiles just smiled at her softly, gently using his fingers to push her chestnut hair back away from her forehead. She sighed, flopping down so she was half on Stiles' knees, half on the bed. She seemed to have tired herself out a little with the repeated up and down, so her eyes started fluttering, her eyelashes brushing against her cheeks. It only took a couple of more moments before they closed entirely, once again asleep. Derek moved forward, curling himself around her, his head in Stiles' lap.
Stiles smiled contentedly at his little family, carding his fingers through Derek's hair. Derek took another deep breath, his hand tightening where it was fisted in Stiles' sleep shirt. He wished this moment could last forever, in their little bubble of peace that they've created, but he knew they couldn't. Eventually, this day would end. Tomorrow would come and they would have to get back to their responsibilities. But for now, they were content to ignore that, just existing in this moment for as long as they could.
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Writing Prompt #39
The couple froze as the music stopped; panting; their breaths caught in their throats as they smiled to each other.
“You said you couldn’t dance.”
“You said it would be simple.”
***
Stiles smiled as he dragged Derek through the doors of the arcade by the hand. The older male had his usual grumpy face on, his eyebrows knitted together as he glared at everything like it had personally offended him. Stiles absolutely loved it.
“Stiles, what are we doing here?”
“It’s date night.” He gave Derek his best ‘duh’ face, which only got him another glare in return.
“I get that, but why are we here? This place is for children.” Stiles rolled his eyes at Derek, making his way through the crowd of teenagers surrounded by one of the games.
“No, this is for anyone who loves fun, games, and greasy pizza.”
“None of which I like.”
“Shut up, pizza is your kryptonite. It was my turn to choose, and this is my choice.” Derek didn’t respond, making Stiles smirk in triumph. He dragged Derek from game to game, winning a nice amount of tickets. Derek just stood there with his arms crossed while Stiles played, refusing to join. Stiles eventually sighed, giving up.
“Fine. Lets just get some pizza, and turn in my tickets, and then we can leave.” Derek’s face softened at that, crowding closer to Stiles. The younger male rested his forehead against Derek’s, visibly deflated.
“I am having a good time.” Stiles scoffed at at Derek’s words, moving to pull away. Derek put a finger under Stiles’ chin, holding him in place.
“I am. I don’t really know anything about these games, but watching you get really excited about them is enough for me. I swear, I’m having a good time. I’m sorry if I’ve looked grumpy.” Stiles smirked, bumping his nose against Derek’s.
“Grumpy is an understatement. Miserable, sour, surly, crabby.” Derek chuckled at him, bumping Stiles back with his own nose.
“Okay. I get it, I get it.” Stiles’ smile turned slightly sad as Derek pressed closer, Derek making a questioning noise at that.
“I just.. I spent a lot of time here as a kid. I wanted to share it with you.”
“Well, share away. I will stop with the grumpy look.” Stiles smiled at his boyfriend, pressing a kiss to his lips. Derek hummed approvingly, kissing Stiles back. Stiles pulled away, patting Derek’s chest.
“Okay, pizza. C’mon.” Derek grabbed Stiles’ hand, intertwining their fingers as his boyfriend led the way. He was abruptly pulled to a stop not even a second later, making Derek turn to Stiles questioningly. Before he could even ask, Stiles was dragging him very quickly down one of the aisles of games.
“This!” Stiles flailed towards the game in front of them, visibly shaking with excitement. The colorful and bright screen read ‘Dance Dance Revolution,’ and it was making a lot of loud noises. “This used to be my favorite game! No one could ever beat me. We haaaave to play it!”
Derek eyed the game skeptically, not really sure if he was up for that.
“I can’t dance.”
“Babe, pleeeease. It’s really simple. Please, Derek.” Derek looked at Stiles’ face, unable to ignore the amount of pleading in it. He was gonna give in anyways, he always did for Stiles. He finally sighed, nodding.
“Fine. One game.” Stiles cheered, pressing a sloppy kiss to Derek’s lips.
“I love you.” Derek smiled, allowing Stiles to drag him up onto the platform.
“Okay, it’s really simple. You just step on the arrow that corresponds with the one on the screen, but only when it gets to the bottom. Got it?” Derek nodded, trying to concentrate on the screen.
Stiles chuckled, scrolling until he found a song he liked. He put it on an easy setting, and hit play. Derek watched as the arrows slowly started to scroll down the screen, easily keeping up and stepping on the correct arrow.
“This is it? No wonder it was your favorite game, this is easy.” Stiles raised an eyebrow at him, but otherwise didn’t look away from the screen.
“Oh really? Okay, lets up it a little then, old man.” Derek huffed, watching as Stiles upped the difficulty. The arrows started to move a little faster, but still pretty easy to keep up with.
“Oooh, this is so difficult. I bet I can beat you.” Stiles scoffed at him, stomping a little harder than necessary on the next arrow.
“Ya, right. I have years of experience, and am an all time champ.”
“Alright, challenge accepted. Loser has dish duty for the next two weeks.”
“Oh you are so on. Bring it, old man.” Stiles upped the difficulty again, the arrows moving even faster. They were moving at a good rate now, but it was still easy to keep up. Derek reached over and bumped up the difficulty again.
“Careful, Der. We don’t want you injuring a hip or something.”
“This is cake. You need to find a more difficult game.” Stiles huffed, bumping the difficulty as high as it would go. Derek’s eyes widened at how fast the arrows started to move. He missed a couple trying to readjust to the speed change, but caught right back on.
They were both building up a sweat, and a crowd had started to form around them to watch. Not that either of them noticed the crowd, their attention completely on the screen. Derek didn’t know how he was making his legs move so fast, but it was working. Stiles didn’t even blink, not missing a step.
“Not so easy now, Der. Huh?”
Derek grunted back, sweat dripping down his forehead. He watched as the last arrow scrolled down the screen, preparing to nail it.
The couple froze as the music stopped; panting; their breaths caught in their throats as they smiled to each other.
“You said you couldn’t dance.”
“You said it would be simple.” Stiles chuckled, moving closer to Derek. He was about to lean in for a kiss, when the crowd that had formed started clapping. Both boys blinked, realizing for the first time that they had an audience.
Derek smiled at Stiles, leaning in for the kiss anyways. Stiles smiled into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Derek’s neck, as Derek’s arms went around Stiles’ waist. They separated, pressing their foreheads together.
“Okay, this wasn’t completely a bad idea.” Stiles smiled triumphantly, throwing his hands up. He didn’t move very far, Derek’s arms still holding him close.
“Admit it. I have the best date night ideas ever.”
“I don’t know if I would go that far.” Stiles pinched Derek’s arm playfully, Derek swatting at him. Stiles smiled, leaning back into Derek’s space.
“I love you.” Derek smiled warmly, pressing a kiss to Stiles’ head.
“I love you too, Stiles.”
“But I so win, dish boy.” Derek huffed, nipping at Stiles’ bottom lip in retaliation.
It has been two weeks. Two weeks since Derek's been able to breath. Derek has sent message after message, called god knows how many times, left numerous voicemails. He's begged, pleaded, groveled, apologized. And nothing. Nothing came of it. No answer, no reply, no hint that Stiles even knew he existed anymore.
Laura says he's moping, it's not moping. He's just dealing.
"You haven't left your room for anything except work in two weeks, baby bro. You're moping." Derek told the voice in his head, that sounded annoyingly like Laura, to shut up.
So what? So what if he's spending way more time at work than usual? So what if he hasn't slept properly in weeks?So what if he sometimes spends the night in his office? And so what if when he does get home, he just wants to be alone in his room?
He is a grown ass adult, he can make those decisions for himself. No matter how unhealthy they may be.
He decided a run was much needed. He didn't bother on a shirt or shoes, knowing he was just going to shed them anyways. He tried to sneak out the back door in an attempt to avoid his family. He should have known better.
"Uncle Derek?"
Derek closed his eyes, taking a breath, before turning to face his nephew.
Daniel sat at the counter, his head tilted in curiosity as he took in his uncle. Sometimes this kid was too smart for his own good.
"What's up, buddy?"
"Where are you going?"
"I was uh just going for a run."
"Without the pack?"
"Ya, buddy. I kinda just wanted to be alone for a bit."
Daniel looked down at his hands, his bottom lip jutting out.
"You've been alone a lot lately." His voice sounded so small, it hurt Derek. Daniel was only six. He was just a young pup, and his uncle, his alpha, has been avoiding him. Good job, Der, A+ douchbaggery.
Derek sat down next to his nephew, putting an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close.
"How about when I get back, you and I watch a movie together? Your pick."
Derek couldn't help but smile as he watched Daniel's face light up.
"Really? Any movie I want?"
"Any movie you want. I'll even make you your own bag of popcorn."
Daniel jumped up in his chair, wrapping his little arms around Derek's neck.
"I missed you, uncle De."
Derek wrapped his arms around Daniel, holding him close.
"I missed you too, bud."
Daniel pulled back, patting Derek's head. Derek playfully snarled, snapping at his little fingers. Daniel giggled, doing it again to show he was faster than Derek's reactions. Derek let him.
"Okay, go on your run, Uncle Derek. I'll get mommy to set up the TV for when you get back."
Derek chuckled, standing up.
"Okay, buddy. I'll be back in a little bit."
Derek shed his sweatpants when he hit the tree line, nicely folding them in half and hanging them over a branch. He took a deep breath, breathing in all of the scents that the forest had to offer. They lived on the edge of the preserve now, leaving the original Hale house as a memorial instead of building on top of it. They were now closer to town, but still had access to the preserve from their backyard.
Derek let the tension in his muscles go, easily gliding into his full shift. He hasn't done this in a while, he mentally made it a note to do it more often. It felt good, having four paws sink into the forest floor. Feeling, hearing, and smelling everything. He took off, heading in no particular direction, just running to run.
The wind blew thew his black fur, giving him the feeling of being free. He caught the scent of a rabbit, chasing it just for the fun of hearing it's heart race. He kept a safe distance from it for a bit, letting it think it had the upper hand. Eventually he grew bored of the chase though, going back to just running. He sprinted through the forest, the ground making almost no sound as his paws barely touched the ground.
He wasn't sure of exactly how long he had been running for, but he kept an eye on the setting sun, keeping track of when he should be back. Soon the sun was almost completely gone, the moon taking it's place. Derek sighed, heading back in the direction of home.
As he got closer to the house, he could hear Daniel in the backyard. He was running around, playing. Derek smirked, sprinting faster. He broke through the tree line, kneeling playfully. Daniel screamed in delight, charging at him. Derek gripped the back of Daniel's shirt gently (Laura would kill him if he ripped another shirt) between his teeth, throwing him backwards, so he landed gently on Derek's back.
Daniel took two hand fulls of Derek's fur, holding on tight. It wasn't until Derek went to take a step forward that he noticed Jenna, standing with wide eyes behind Daniel's climbing tree. Derek froze, not knowing what to do. Daniel was none the wiser, nudging Derek with his foot, telling him he wanted to play.
Derek finally moved, letting out a bark of distress. Laura was in the door way moments after, sliding the backdoor open. She took in the scene, huffing in annoyance.
"Nice job, Der. You're an absolute fail wolf." Derek sent her a glare, but it was cut short. Stiles stood behind Laura, his eyes on Derek. He didn't look scared, obviously knowing it was Derek, but he did look nervous. Nervous because Derek was in front him, not because Derek was in front of him as a wolf. He noticed Derek staring at him, sending him a nervous wave.
"Hi."
If Derek was in human form he's pretty sure his jaw would be on the ground right now. Fortunately he was not.
"Uncle Dereeeeeeek, come oooonnn."
Derek huffed at Daniel, but did as requested. He twirled around a couple of times, careful not to move too fast as to knock Daniel off of him, but enough to where the boy giggled in delight. He liked to pretend Derek was a bull, see how long he could stay on. Derek made sure to never knock him off.
Jenna finally came out from behind the tree, watching the two of them. Derek reached his head around, grabbing Daniel by the shirt again. He set him on the ground, nudging him towards Jenna with his nose.
He went back into the tree line, shifting back and slipping his sweats back on. He kind of regrets not grabbing a shirt now.
When he got back to the backyard, he instantly had two little monkeys hanging off his arms. He smirked down at them, doing a couple reps with a kid hanging off each arm. They squealed in delight at being lifted off the ground.
"You know, I'm not a jungle gym."
The kids just giggled, just trying to climb higher. The scent of both of them together made Derek internally purr. He missed this so much, missed Jenna. He put the kids down, looking back up to the porch. Stiles and Laura still stood there, watching them.
Derek cleared his throat, walking towards them. He didn't miss the way Stiles' eyes lingered on his chest. Laura was polite enough to act like she had manners, leaving the porch to join the kids in the yard. That left Derek alone with Stiles, and Derek's heart felt like it was beating out of his chest.
"Hey."
"Hi.. Can we talk?"
Derek wanted to say no. He wanted to be resentful, wanted to go hide in his room. But he also wanted to grab Stiles and never let go. That part of him won, and probably always will. He nodded, walking into the house. Stiles followed him, Derek closing the door behind him. They sat down on the living room couch, Derek giving Stiles plenty of room.
"I just.. I wanted to say I'm sorry, Derek."
"Why are you apologizing? I'm the one who fucked up. I shouldn't have left with her without letting you know, and I'm sorry."
"No, I overreacted. You did let me know, you left a note. With a heart drawn on it! And I know, I know she's safe with you. She's probably safer with you than me, cause you can actually do something to protect her. But I.. I just can't lose her. She's all I have left."
Derek reached forward, grabbing Stiles' hand in his. The younger man had tears pooling in his eyes that threatened to fall at any moment, and that broke Derek's heart.
"She is never more safe than when she's with you. I-"
"Shush, I'm not done. You're the best for trying to comfort me, but if I stop I'm not going to be able to get all of this out. Okay?"
Derek quietly chuckled, but nodded his head.
"Okay.. Okay. I'm protective of Jenna because she's all I have left of my little family. Jenna.. Jenna had a twin when she was born. His name was Mieczyslaw, at his mother's insistence to make him Mieczyslaw the third. I, on other hand, quickly gave him the nickname of Mitch. I don't think Jenna remembers either of them, and I.. I don't really talk about them. I probably should, for her sake, but.. I just can't.
"I guess that runs in the family, my dad did the same thing when my mom died. But uh.. the twins were about a year old when they died. Their mother, Caitlin, and I weren't a thing. She was a friend I made at college, and we spent one night together my second year of grad school. She told me a couple weeks later that she was pregnant. We talked options, the decision ultimately being hers, but we both wanted to keep it. We were excited, but freaking out all at the same time. And that was over just one baby, imagine us when we found out we were having twins."
Stiles chuckled lightly at the memory, a tear falling from his eye. Derek wiped it away with the pad of his thumb, having moved closer to his boyfriend as Stiles was talking.
"But uh, we decided that we should live together, for the babies. That was probably the hardest decision either of us made, deciding where to live. I was almost done with my last year of school, she had finished the semester before me, so we didn't need to stick around Berkeley. We ultimately decided on San Jose. It was pretty close to half way between Beacon Hills, and San Francisco, where her parents lived. We both would have no problem getting jobs there.
"It was all falling in place, we were excited. We found a three bedroom apartment in a nice area, we both had good jobs set up. We were building a life.. We'd been living there for a little bit over a year when it happened. Mitch was crying nonstop that night, it was keeping Jenna up. Jenna had a fever, she needed rest and some medicine, but we were out. Caitlin said she wanted to walk to the store to get some and take Mitch with her, thought maybe it would sooth him to sleep.
"I offered to do it, but she said she wanted to. She made a joke about Jenna being Daddy's girl, and Mitch being Mommy's boy, and then she left. It was only a block away, it shouldn't have taken her that long. So when she was gone for awhile I called her, but sh-she didn't answer.. Some druggy mugged her for fifteen bucks and an iPhone."
Stiles had a dark sneer on his face as he said the last part. Derek just squeezed his hand tighter, offering silent comfort.
"Caitlin always carried the babies in a wrap on her back. The guy thought it was back pack, and accused her of having more on her.. before shooting her. It went straight through, hitting Mitch too. When he saw that she had a baby, and not a back pack, he turned himself in. He's serving life, even tried sending us a letter once."
Stiles wiped at his face, trying to dry the tears off his cheek. Derek didn't know what to say, knew first hand that there was nothing he could say. So he just pulled Stiles into his chest, holding him close. He cried into Derek's chest, his hands curling into Derek's shirt. Derek let him cry, rubbing a hand up and down his back and pressing kisses to his head.
After a bit, Stiles pulled back, wiping at his face again.
"I miss them everyday. Jenna reminds me more and more of Caitlin each day. It hurts to think she'll never see our little girl grow up, and I'll never get to see the same for my son. But I have Jenna, so I hold onto her, and I don't think I'll ever be able to let her go."
Derek kissed Stiles' head again, placing his hand on the side of Stiles' face as he met Stiles' eyes.
"And you never will have to, I promise you that."
Stiles shook his head, pressing their foreheads together.
"You can't promise things like that."
"Yes I can, and as long as I'm alive I will keep that promise."
Stiles kissed him, Derek kissing him back in earnest. Stiles broke the kiss first, pressing their foreheads together again.
"You plan on sticking around that long?"
"I plan on being around as long you'll have me."
Stiles smiled at him, giving his lips another peck.
Derek took a deep breath in, smelling the air around him. It was a beautiful day out. The sky was blue, only a couple white clouds around. The trees were a vibrant green, swaying in the slight breeze. The sound of laughter and families was heard all around the park.
Derek smiled at it all, before starting off at a jog down the running path. He ran for a little ways, looping over to the other end of the forest, before he finally stopped to catch his breath. He held his arms above his head, stretching as he did.
"Dad!" Derek looked up as a little girl cried out. No one else was around this side of the park, Derek remembers seeing people maybe 100 yards back up the path. He stepped closer to the girl, crouching so he was closer to her height.
"Hey sweetie, are you okay?" She looked a little scared, but so far no tears.
"I-I can't find my daddy."
"Okay. Where'd you see him last?"
"I don't know. W-we were having a picnic, and I wanted to explore. I don't where he is." Aaand tears were starting to show.
"Okay, sweetie, it's okay. I can help you find him. My name's Derek, what's yours?"
"Jenna."
"Okay Jenna, I'm going to help you find your dad. Is that okay?" She nodded, reaching out for Derek's hand. Derek allowed her to, her little hand almost being swallowed by his. Derek walked back in the direction he came from, back towards where he saw the people. He tried to use scent to track her dad, but there were so many scents on the little girl alone, Derek didn't know which one to follow.
"So how old are you?"
"I'm six. How old are you?" Derek smirked.
"I'm thirty-seven." Jenna nodded, swaying their jointed hands back and forth.
"How was your picnic going?"
"Good. Daddy packed oreos, and caprisuns!"
"Is that so?"
"Mmhm, and he knows those are my favorite. I can't wait to get some." Derek smiled. He kept up the small talk as they walked, wanting to keep her mind off of things. It worked. Derek was relieved when they got to the little clearing he remembered seeing a family or two. He was sure Jenna's dad was going out of his mind at this point.
"Alright Jenna, does this look familiar?" She looked around, her eyes squinting.
"I don't know... Everything's green." Derek chuckled.
"Ya. Um, do you see your dad?"
"No."
"What's your dad's name?"
"Stiles." Derek didn't comment, just lifted an eyebrow.
"Alright. Maybe we can try calling him."
"Okay." Derek nodded, looking around.
"Stiles!" A couple people looked up, but no-one answered. Derek decided to look around the park, walking away from the path.
"Stiles!"
"Daddy!" They called a couple more times, before Derek sighed.
"I don't think he's over here." Jenna's shoulders sagged, her bottom lip starting to tremble.
"Are we gonna find him?" Derek knelt down in front of her, grabbing both of her hands in his.
"Of course we are, sweetie. Do you know his phone number, maybe we ca-"
"Jen!" Derek looked up as Jenna's name was called out.
"Daddy!" A man came running over to them, scooping Jenna up in his arms. Derek was almost certain that Jenna lost all access to oxygen in that moment.
"Bożena Claudia Stilinski, don't you ever do that to me again! I thought I lost you! Do you know how worried I was? I almost called Dziadek to bring out the dogs and swat team."
"I'm sorry, Tatuś. I didn't mean to scare you. But Derek helped me find you, and I'm okay." Jenna's father looked up at Derek from where he was crouching, almost as if he just realized Derek was there. He stood up, still holding Jenna in his arms.
"You helped her?" Derek nodded, his voice suddenly not working. Stiles was beautiful.
"Derek Hale." Stiles just looked at him for a moment, before looking over to Jenna.
"I think this was enough excitement for one day, kiddo. Let's say you and I head home, huh?" Jenna pouted a little, but didn't argue. Stiles pressed a kiss to her head, and Derek noticed his hands were still shaking. Derek took a step back, wanting to give them their time. He can tell that Stiles is still sort of panicking and just needs to hold his daughter for a while.
"I should get going." Stiles looked at him, giving him a polite smile.
"Bye Derek." She waved at him, her head resting on her father's shoulder.
"Bye Jenna." He gave another nod, before heading back to the running path. He looked back one more time before leaving though. Stiles was holding Jenna close, obviously trying to calm his breathing. Derek sighed, continuing his run. He cut it a little shorter than usual though, not really in the mood for a run anymore.
Soooo I need/want to start writing again since it’s been a while and I have a lot of abandoned WIPs. I have very many ideas and very little motivation. So if there’s a fic or a series of mine that you would like to see more of or a new chapter of, let me know. That can be from ones I’ve posted on here, AO3, or even my older stuff on wattpad.
My hope is that this will force me into feeling motivated 😂
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I said once that I wish I didn’t love you
But I was wrong
God, how I was wrong
I’m glad that I love you
Because the pain of having to keep it bottled up is worth it
It’s worth it because it means you stay a part of my life
And that is what is important
I don’t think I would last in a world where you don’t exist
God, how I wouldn’t last
If keeping this my secret means that you stay, then I will die without having ever whispered it to the stars
If it means I get a lifetime of your smiles, and your laughs, your hugs, and your voice, then I will keep it to myself
Because having you in my life at all, is far more meaningful than having you love me too
But oh how I wish you loved me too
God, how I wished
But it’s okay
Because I know you do in way, maybe not the same way, but a way none the less
So that is what I cling to
Because having you in any way, is better than in no way
So I keep my secret locked away in my heart, but I do not regret it
And I do not wish it never happened
Because when you look at me, with that beautiful smile of yours pulling at your cheeks, and my heart stutters in my chest at how much you mean to me, and just how beautiful you are
It’s worth it
God, how it’s worth it
I feel sick,
My stomach churning,
As the thoughts of you swirl around my head.
It almost feels like the panic attacks I used to have.
That feeling consumes me, covering me like a dark blanket, slowly suffocating me.
I wish I could breath.
God, how I wish I could breath.
The thoughts that overtake my mind are the ones you taught me how to ignore,
Yet now they're all I can hear.
When I think of you, my heart flutters.
I don't know how to make it stop.
You were there when I needed it, you understood and got it.
No one else did.
God, how no one else did.
I think I need to let you go.
But I don't know how.
When the darkness over takes me, you are the light that leads me out.
I think I became too dependent,
And now I don't know how to quit.
I wish I did.
God, how I wish I did.
Because this pain I feel when you're gone, it's like nothing else.
When I questioned my faith, you were there to become my religion.
And now, as I lie awake in my bed at night praying to you, I get no answer.
As I questioned my love for life, you told me that sometimes it's okay to hate.
Passion is passion, no matter the shape.
I think I started to love you.
I wish I didn't.
God, how I wish I didn't.
You were the one to pull me from the depths of the sea.
But now, in the presence of your absence, slowly I start to sink.
I check my phone obsessively, waiting to see your name at the top of my screen.
I sink, farther and farther I sink.
I wish I didn't need the raft that you offer.
I wish I knew how to swim.
God, how I wish I knew how to swim.
