#a second wind

Earlier this morning, I decided it was best to finally have a few hours open to catch up with my best friend goodbyedrivethru aka Teej. Its been so long since we have had the chance to just talk about where we are mentally and emotionally, and we decided it was time to get plenty off our chest. And as usual, things just got so much better after talking. A lot of things are clearer now, I still dont know EXACTLY what I need to do, but I have a better understanding of what I want and how far I am willing to go and how hard I am willing to work for it.

Something you should know about me, I like planning everything. If its something I want, I typically write it down, tell myself an attack plan, and then go do it. It doesnt always turn out the right way, but I never beat myself up afterwards because I know I did my best.

The question that lingered during our conversations was, "what can we really define as our best?"

We talked about how hard we are having it, and how that even though our close friends support us through a lot, they dont know whats really going through our heads because they dont deal with the same situations we do.

My friends Julie, Jy, Travis, and brother Joey are going to Las Vegas this weekend for a concert. I told them I wouldnt want to go to the concert with them because I dont want to feel like a wheel. Instantly they responded with "we wouldnt do that to you" and "we are going as a group not as a couple". You see, its not about what youre doing, its just what I am feeling. Its a Boys II Men concert, and I would be in between two couples or at either end of you four standing next to a stranger, or another couple. It didnt click to them because they dont know exactly whats going through my mind.

Thats whats so great about talking with Teej. He and I have been side by side going through quite a bit of the same ordeals. Not in the same order, but we struggle and deal with similar insecurities and demons.

I guess I am writing this because more honest words were spoken in our conversation than I have heard in a church in a very very long time.

"I dont know exactly where I am at (in my current situation) anymore. I dont want to lose, but I am not finding any hints from the other side. And if I do lose, yeah its going to suck, but I know I will just have to pick myself up and keep going. It doesnt make me a failure and I wont be any less of the person I have already grown to be."

"Im going to take a few steps back, but thats only so I can retrace my steps to see where I went wrong, and then from there I will continue on ahead on a better path. But you have to make sure you are keeping tabs on what youre looking for. Because if you just turn around and follow your footsteps, youre not just retracing, youre going all the way back to the beginning and thats not progress. Thats just going to hurt."

On the subject of not knowing what to do now: "We already know opportunities are coming and will present themselves. The problem is we dont know what its going to look like, but that tells you exactly what you need to do. Youre want to be ready for that opportunity when it comes, so do that, get ready and be ready."

"Don't ruin who you are by pretending and telling yourself youll be perfect WITH the other person. You are complete as an individual. You can be better with a partner, but dont dare think youre incomplete."

"Im still so ecstatic and happy. If things dont go the way I hope for, yeah its going to suck, but I would much rather risk it all like I planned before instead of giving up just because the situation now is tough. The outcome I am hoping for, being able to be in love and stay in love, is worth risking a few days of ending up sad. I want to be with her, I need to be a better person, and nothing is going to stop me from doing that."

"The fear of losing is always going to be present. Life does NOT need to suck if you lose. You just gotta keep on going till you win."

Then there was a lot of metaphors on how things work out that we related to how video games work. But I will save those for another time.